tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-54910755283168106942024-03-14T02:56:38.767+10:00My Forever Babies Taite and SethA million words can't bring you back, I know because I've tried. A million tears can't bring you back, I know because I've cried.. If love could have saved you, you never would have died..Abbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13288304980939842986noreply@blogger.comBlogger88125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5491075528316810694.post-85315630270661837962017-12-05T11:13:00.001+10:002017-12-05T11:16:35.033+10:009 years9 years... I didn't cry on their birthday, I have forgotton so many little things I never thought I would. There were so many moments that were so emotional, so intense, so indescribable, I thought I'd never forget.... But 9yrs later I have forgotten so many. Those moments are now only connected through grief.... So I am grateful for it's intensity. I'm grateful that grief reflects love... and that will never leave me. I will forever grieve. I am a mum of 3 and my first borns died.<br />
I will never forget the love that I feel for my baby boys...<br />
♡Taite and Seth ♡ (21.11.08 ~3.12.08)<br />
"If love could have saved you, you never would have died"<br />
<br />
The above is what I posted to FB... Trouble is, I haven't felt connected to my grief. I feel like it's a protection. The memories aren't so fresh anymore so I feel like to REALLY connect I have to tap into a locked box in my brain... And I haven't had time to do that. Life is busy.<br />
<br />
I can feel it in other ways though. I can't sleep and I'm feeling a bit more anxious, hypervigilant and fearful. I feel like until I have a good cry, I wont release my emotions properly. There was a time when I didn't have a choice. The tears would simply fall and were incredibly beyond my control. I don't know what is better. I'm glad I'm not a crying mess. Glad I can work, glad I can function, but I still need to release these very real emotions... Sometime. I see my psychologist Thursday, so maybe it will be then.<br />
<br />
I usually go to a support meeting around this time of the year but this year I didn't make the time. We had so much going on. I don't know if it would have helped. I don't know how to grieve this far along.<br />
<br />
On the twins birthday this year I went xmas shopping, to the drs... Just normal stuff. I wasn't frightened of being in public in case I broke down. Early on, I avoided seeing other children or babies. I didn't do that at all this year.<br />
<br />
We did go out for dinner though and had a cake. Jett blew out the candles and sang Happy Birthday which is always cute.<br />
<br />
This morning Jett woke up crying saying he missed Taite and Seth. Strange thing is, I haven't even mentioned their anniversary which was on Sunday, so I'm not sure what that was about. That kid is so smart and in tune.<br />
<br />
We still haven't gotten around to see the binary stars I name last year! It depends on the weather, so it's hard to plan. Now it's storm season again we can't. I'm sure we'll get there 1 day.<br />
<br />
So we're almost at the end of another year. I wish I blogged more, but it takes time and energy and I don't always want to unlock that box in my brain that holds all my big feelings. It can be too hard to lock away again...<br />
<br />
Well, that wraps up another blog post til probably same time next year...Abbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13288304980939842986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5491075528316810694.post-51335969886695026742017-05-17T00:46:00.001+10:002017-05-17T00:57:09.431+10:008 years!!<p dir="ltr">Well another birthday, Christmas,  Easter and Mother's day gone without my babies. Not that they would be babies anymore. 8 years old! The last birthday was the first birthday I didn't do anything.... I can't really remember what I did... Anyway,  I was ok with it. I did name binary stars though. We haven't had a chance to see them yet. I was sent a certificate with the co ordinates, but they sky has to be very clear. Maybe in the next couple of weeks.  Jett would be excited. He knows his brothers are in the stars and speaks of them often.</p>
<p dir="ltr">My grief has changed so much, my life has changed so much, but nothing will change my endless love for my beautiful boys. I wish they were here. I wish I had 3 children here (although I'd probably go mad!!). I ♡ you Taite & Seth. Forever in my heart beautiful babies xx<br><br></p>
Abbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13288304980939842986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5491075528316810694.post-6444789051281669862015-11-23T22:50:00.001+10:002015-11-23T22:50:57.381+10:00Happy 7th birthday my babies!Well, it was the twins birthday on Saturday. As planned I did a butterfly release.... Well tried anyway. I had a company recommended by another baby loss Mama, so I emailed him and had the delivery organised.. So Friday I was out for lunch with my dad who is up from NSW and I got a text message that I'd missed the delivery. Anxiety immediately set in, but I had also warned myself to expect the unexpected and not get my hopes up, so I remained as calm as I could. Later that day I received a text that they were at the local pick up centre, so feeling relieved I went to pick them up.<br />
<br />
It was strange picking them up.... It took me back to when I first lost them. I went through pregnancy and labour yet all I get are these butterflies, so I felt a little emotional. Anyway, the next day we went to the chapel as planned. I had a good friend there to take some photos, my Mum, my partner and of course my Earthside Miracle. The plan was I would release the first 2 butterflies and Jett would release the next 2... So with my friend and her camera at the ready, we opened the first box.... The butterflies were dead. If this had happened 5 years ago I probably would have lost my shit totally. Instead, we just all looked at each other and started laughing.. OMG, lucky I didn't get my hopes up too much! I did feel sorry for the butterflies though.. I had stopped doing balloon releases due to the environmental issue and now I'm getting dead butterflies! Yeah not how I'd planned it! So then came the 2nd box... In that box one was alive.. It was really beautiful, it flew out and hung around for a while. My friend got some nice photos, so at least all was not lost. Not as expected, but it was still quite nice. I don't think we'll do it again though... I have another year to come up with some more ideas!<br />
<br />
It was a really hot day, so we went back home, drank nice champagne and had a nice swim. A couple of my friends popped around throughout the day and it really was such a beautiful celebration of the day I became a Mummy. That is one thing the that death will never take away. Taite and Seth were my 1st born sons and they made me a Mummy.<br />
<br />
Today I crashed and burned a little. Time has gone so fast it's insane. I still struggle with the fact that having babies so prematurely has taken away my choice to have more children, but I am so incredibly grateful I have 1 living miracle. We speak about his brothers often, although he hasn't quite got the meaning yet he will eventually. He sang happy birthday to his brothers and he cuddles Taite and Seth's puppies that they got when they were born. It's nice that Jett cuddles something that did actually touch the twins. The puppies are named Taite and Seth and Jett cuddles them saying, "I'm hugging my brothers" It is so cute!!!<br />
<br />
The lead up to their birthday wasn't too emotional. I still worked and functioned like normal... Something that after they first died, I wasn't sure I was ever able to do. I still love and miss them every day though.<br />
<br />
Taite James & Seth David, Forever in my heart xxxxAbbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13288304980939842986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5491075528316810694.post-16599284607466748742015-06-16T21:37:00.000+10:002015-06-16T21:37:44.446+10:00A 6 month anniversary..I'd been feeling really shitty around the beginning of this month. I put it down to PMS... Then I realised the date.. It was around the 3rd of June. 6 and a half years exactly since my babies died... Funny, how subconsciously dates can affect you. A similar thing happened around March/April (March would have been Taite and Seth's due date).. I hadn't been to a baby loss support meeting in a long time, but I felt the need to go. It was strange. I didn't know why I needed to go, or even if I'd get anything out of it. I went anyway. Driving there I got that nervous feeling I used to always get. Butterflies and a little anxiety. It was a different group as Bonnie Babes doesn't run anymore. I felt excited to tell my story to people who had never heard it before, but still felt apprehensive. I have found it hard to share my story the further time goes on, which seems strange, but it is what it is and I don't know why.<br />
<br />
So I went to this meeting. Th woman that ran the meeting was a psychologist. I found that strange as I'd only really ever had peer support. The women that went were both pregnant (I had been told this before I went) and it had been about a year since they lost their babies. It was so strange, hearing the clarity in the way they told their story. Their memories were still so fresh... It is really strange to think about how much I have forgotten. At the time, you never think you will, but you do... 6 years along and some memories have faded... It makes me sad in some ways, but I also recognise that it's part of moving on. It's a protective mechanism. Grief brings me closer to my boys, but I couldn't stay in deep grief forever, so it really is a double edged sword.<br />
<br />
So the meeting was god. I'm glad I went, but I haven't been since. I might go this month if I'm not working.<br />
<br />
Another wave of grief has hit this month. I think about Taite and Seth every day, it it doesn't really make me sad, as such, they are just part of my life. I can tell when the wave hits though because I can't think of them without feeling sad...<br />
<br />
It's still hard to believe sometimes that this is my reality.. I have birthed 3 children, but only have 1 here (Who I'm sooo incredibly grateful for!)<br />
<br />
I don't write much anymore. Especially here. Partly due to time, partly due to the fact I don't know what to say. I've been saying the same thing for 6 and a half years now. I read another babyloss blog last night and her words resonated with me.. She pretty much said a similar thing, she doesn't write anymore because she's only repeating herself. "I miss you, I love you" What else is there to say?<br />
<br />
I'm planning to do a butterfly release this year for their birthday. I must get my act together though... The time always creeps up on me, but if I want to do this I need to plan ahead!<br />
<br />
I had a photo pendant of Taite and Seth, which broke, so I bought something similar. I love it. I love having them close to me in SOME way. The only way I can.<br />
<br />
Taite and Seth, Mummy loves you and wishes you were here. I wish I could know who you'd grow up to be. Instead I just hope that you 2 are watching down on your little brother and I and know that you will be forever in our hearts. Mummy loves you. <br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjB5ANzYPBODCbclny6U_vXv5A9-gJHN0hco44woH1dAlyM1EjSZia4CpbD5q8P0HPRPeKFSZZB8pp0r-OBkDwFapw3wLYRlgpM1GFBDG0oYPVHITuUllCjJ3YtaR_heib57Ji7GaPVnrTk/s1600/PicsArt_1433826424905.jpg" imageanchor="1" ><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjB5ANzYPBODCbclny6U_vXv5A9-gJHN0hco44woH1dAlyM1EjSZia4CpbD5q8P0HPRPeKFSZZB8pp0r-OBkDwFapw3wLYRlgpM1GFBDG0oYPVHITuUllCjJ3YtaR_heib57Ji7GaPVnrTk/s200/PicsArt_1433826424905.jpg" /></a>Abbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13288304980939842986noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5491075528316810694.post-90981861266509663142014-11-27T21:07:00.000+10:002014-11-27T21:07:05.851+10:00Taite and Seth's 6th birthday.... How my grief has changed.November 21st was my twins 6th birthday. It was a nice day. Mum and I took a nice walk around the chapel, then went for a yummy lunch. I picked the kids up from school and day care and we had a swim then did a cake with sparklers. I got a really gorgeous video<br />
of Jett singing Happy birthday.<br />
<br />
I didn't cry. I don't speak about them as often as I used to and when I do, it's not with the same intensity. Things have changed. I love them and they are very much a part of the family. Their 'stuff' is around. They're brother knows about them. But yes, there are many layers added to what was once intense grief.. I am now parenting living children, I'm back at work, I'm studying and yes, life is happening. I felt so guilty, so alone. Confused by this change. I feel I don't fit in. I'm not a mother who has ever lost a child, but I'm a mother that is not in the intense early stages of grief either... I don't need to feel guilty, because this is a natural progression, but somehow I do. "You're grief is as deep as your love" I still love them. That will never change, and some days I can be hit by a an unbearable wave of grief, but those days are few and far between now, but does that mean that I love them less? I've read some blogs from parents who have lost babies around the same time and it does make my feelings seem 'normal'. I spoke to a friend who lost her babies over 10 years ago and she said she stopped crying probably around the 6 year mark. I guess it's just strange for me because I have never not cried on their birthday. Anyway, their anniversary is Wednesday, maybe I'll cry then??<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGgdTTWP2D6F9CElcXTrKuleIBB8plJCShJGmXvFdW_bo0mudUW2rWrNpsh3iO316BHgSA2lguM4PNniEqNvofDmsLaoKEf_qcttC8H1DrzmeQmRPHTjTmxo4KF-vx5zD9Tt7hdA3r8IzJ/s1600/150163_10152899463552859_4160790113825102928_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" ><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGgdTTWP2D6F9CElcXTrKuleIBB8plJCShJGmXvFdW_bo0mudUW2rWrNpsh3iO316BHgSA2lguM4PNniEqNvofDmsLaoKEf_qcttC8H1DrzmeQmRPHTjTmxo4KF-vx5zD9Tt7hdA3r8IzJ/s320/150163_10152899463552859_4160790113825102928_n.jpg" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5iiJ7yRTt6whccp9pfzdFxJwHNjfHkf8W5gJ6E-hxkfbPhPsfFljpaL9cxQKRp4HiVqUxCtnnsyq5n6ldzNQtRpJh42jR77iTPVUaunDsJCEriwSEgUf-cLNEWbiAEnmBoRWeBi4TMEse/s1600/10387669_10152899577767859_1497137096879560436_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" ><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5iiJ7yRTt6whccp9pfzdFxJwHNjfHkf8W5gJ6E-hxkfbPhPsfFljpaL9cxQKRp4HiVqUxCtnnsyq5n6ldzNQtRpJh42jR77iTPVUaunDsJCEriwSEgUf-cLNEWbiAEnmBoRWeBi4TMEse/s320/10387669_10152899577767859_1497137096879560436_n.jpg" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHquSo5j_L8hH1J5Fm4KFFZczwRuT17d5QPfKudp1NdyW6zGjR1Adl_ruvaDU68TjvZp4zpsX2eDhEWhWm0hAXarbe2JasazDJTtfwyBQpANLS1hs6eFe_I6amqvtqPvWdDauEl_o60ubp/s1600/10405391_10152899463412859_8108917228263917884_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" ><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHquSo5j_L8hH1J5Fm4KFFZczwRuT17d5QPfKudp1NdyW6zGjR1Adl_ruvaDU68TjvZp4zpsX2eDhEWhWm0hAXarbe2JasazDJTtfwyBQpANLS1hs6eFe_I6amqvtqPvWdDauEl_o60ubp/s320/10405391_10152899463412859_8108917228263917884_n.jpg" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFcXV3BeY59WHV88LOux2139kWxTAcmDDle7v-FfKfDq5qYGoIvlXuX16QUSc5kikCACoZJkTk783xa1PvrEeoKbX8CUHosW0Lnh49WkKCkWjAQc9skqneLTU4HADVGD0GEDgFiPdyawP7/s1600/10599678_10152899579267859_7660143073893969759_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" ><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFcXV3BeY59WHV88LOux2139kWxTAcmDDle7v-FfKfDq5qYGoIvlXuX16QUSc5kikCACoZJkTk783xa1PvrEeoKbX8CUHosW0Lnh49WkKCkWjAQc9skqneLTU4HADVGD0GEDgFiPdyawP7/s320/10599678_10152899579267859_7660143073893969759_n.jpg" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8_sznoez9BXEd9Vx7IXBAv7eW_hneMhU3HxCkqrRmVwVWvzm5anzpSaDSyrd7pXVIZX4CvChKl1FeuUUMuo5pS0iqbax0LR69Pt2EqD5jnhoJs4NV6MUcnE4bG_BDiO-3t58qClt3x5ut/s1600/10632803_10152898500177859_6247245161631249295_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" ><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8_sznoez9BXEd9Vx7IXBAv7eW_hneMhU3HxCkqrRmVwVWvzm5anzpSaDSyrd7pXVIZX4CvChKl1FeuUUMuo5pS0iqbax0LR69Pt2EqD5jnhoJs4NV6MUcnE4bG_BDiO-3t58qClt3x5ut/s320/10632803_10152898500177859_6247245161631249295_n.jpg" /></a>Abbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13288304980939842986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5491075528316810694.post-18635150401859128462014-11-21T10:06:00.002+10:002014-11-21T10:06:39.380+10:00Happy 6th Birthday my AngelsWow, 6 years! I say it every year, but I can't believe it. Time goes so fast, yet can sometimes seem like yesterday. Today I am planning to visit the chapel their funeral was held at. It's so beautiful. Then have a nice lunch with Mum, then in the arvo do a cake, candles and balloons in the afternoon with the kids. Jett still doesn't understand, but I still talk about Taite and Seth all the time.<br />
<br />
I wrote a birthday poem for my babies:<br />
<br />
My Birthday Boys, up in the stars<br />
6 years old, it's gone so fast<br />
I really wish you were here on Earth<br />
So we could help you celebrate the day of your birth.<br />
Instead I imagine you both with your wings,<br />
up in the stars with lovely things,<br />
having a party with cake and balloons<br />
while your angel friends sing you birthday tunes.<br />
Mummy misses you and wishes you were here<br />
I'd love nothing more than to hold you near<br />
You're both in my heart and thought of every day<br />
but today is special, cos it's your birthday!<br />
<br />
I was actually really proud of that poem. I was looking for poems, but couldn't find one that 'fit'. A lot of poems now reflect the deep intense grief that is felt, or more focused on 'babies'. My babies wouldn't be babies anymore. This is really the first year I don't see them as babies like I did. It's strange though because I only knew them as babies, so I guess they always will be.<br />
<br />
*TRIGGER WARNING, RAINBOW BABY AND PARENTING CHALLENGES ARE TALKED ABOUT*<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
It's amazing how grief changes over time. Parenting a living baby is really so exhausting. When Taite and Seth died, before I knew what it was like to actually parent a child 24/7 I put parenthood on a pedestal. I think my expectations were so high. I thought I'd be the perfect mother.... But I'm not. Some days I struggle, I get frustrated, tired and all the *normal* things that come with being a mum. This brings new challenges for me though. I was a mum for 3 years before I brought a baby home, yet I had no idea what it was like.<br />
<br />
I feel so guilty. How can I want a break from my beautiful child that is here, yet cry and grieve for the ones that aren't. On hard days, I often find myself thinking that they died because I would have been a crap mum. The guilt, the guilt, does it ever go? <br />
<br />
I do my best to parent all of my children. Today I even struggled with whether I should send Jett to day care or not.... I decided to though. I decided that Taite and Seth, although thought of often, they don't get 'time'. Time where it's all about them. I do talk about them still, but this far down the track I don't always mention them when asked how many children I have. Sometimes I even get uncomfortable talking about them, because I don't want to make people uncomfortable. Then I feel guilty for that. Anyway, I guess this is just something I have to live with. It is what it is and I need to go with it.<br />
<br />
Anyway, enough of the depressing crap. I am going to get ready and celebrate the day I became a mum! The day 2 very special little boys entered the world and changed my life forever. <br />
<br />
Taite and Seth, Mummy loves you so much. I hope where ever you are, you know my love for you will never fade. You will always be my firstborn sons. The day you died I lost a piece of my heart and I'll always miss you. Thank you for choosing me to be your Mummy. 'Some people only dream of Angels, I held 2 in my arms' xxxxAbbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13288304980939842986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5491075528316810694.post-12744040806517590352014-01-07T20:25:00.000+10:002014-01-07T20:25:04.035+10:00Merry Christmas and Happy New YearWell, I still hate Christmas. Even though Jett's presence and being a family of 4 with my partner and her son makes it better Christmas is still not right. I miss Taite and Seth and have a hole in my heart, no matter how many beautiful people I have in my life. Taite and Seth will always be missing.<br />
<br />
I think Christmas will always be a little traumatic, as I clearly remember Christmas 2008, it was 22 days after I lost my firstborn sons. I hated life, I hated Christmas, I hated that the world was still turning and not only turning, but people were HAPPY!!<br />
<br />
I hate that Christmas will always be forever tainted. I try not to show it though. Jett and my family don't deserve to have their Christmas spirit dampened but sometimes it's just hard.<br />
<br />
Anyway, it's another Christmas gone and another year started without 2 of my babies.... Life goes on..Abbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13288304980939842986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5491075528316810694.post-58396325197809944742013-11-22T21:12:00.000+10:002013-11-22T21:12:16.360+10:00Happy 5th Birthday my beautiful son's...The anticipation of another birthday without my firstborns sucked, but as usual the lead up was worse than the day. The night before I felt good and in the morning I felt good. Waking up to Jett is just divine and makes me feel so lucky. <br />
<br />
So tonight I have friends coming from NSW and our place was a pigsty so I dropped Jett at Mum's so we could clean in peace. Then I gathered Taite & Seth's urn, their puppies and some candles and Mum, Nae Jett and I went to the chapel. <br />
<br />
It was even more beautiful than I remember. .. I had felt fine all morning but started to feel sick on the drive there. When we got there my breath was taken away. All the emotion but also beauty.<br />
<br />
We took some pics by the lake then the woman arrived to show us through. Krista was lovely and said I could just call her whenever I wanted to come through again. <br />
<br />
Mum and I both had tears but it was so nice. We got some really nice pics. After that we had lunch at the golf club. <br />
<br />
That night, I lit their candles and we had a cupcake. Jett sang Happy Birthday it was the cutest thing everrrr!<br />
<br />
Such a beautiful peaceful day, and we have found our new tradition. <br />
<br />
♥Happy 5th birthday My Precious Sons, I can't believe how fast time has gone. Always loved, Never forgotten.Abbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13288304980939842986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5491075528316810694.post-51706708071990531362013-03-02T21:05:00.000+10:002013-03-02T21:09:56.225+10:00Time for Taite and SethOn Thursday night I went to a bereavement support meeting. I have only been once since my rainbow has been born because I don't feel comfortable leaving him. Now that he's older though, I am thinking I might start going again.. Not every month, but just sometimes..<br />
<br />
The meeting was good. (Well as good as a support group can be when you talk about dead babies) It felt good to tell the story of my beautiful babies to someone who had never heard it. I showed photo's of them that I still keep in my phone. I showed my tattoos of their tiny footprints.<br />
<br />
It was really strange though listening to other people's stories.. I am so far along in my grief now compared to these poor people that have just lost their babies. You can see they are just in pure shock, sad, angry and all the other things you feel when your baby dies. It is when I see people so fresh in their grief I realise how far I've come.. I NEVER thought I'd function again, let alone smile and dare I say learn to actually LIVE and not just exist.. I left there feeling so glad I am not back there..Even though grief is everchanging, I still ride the waves and sometimes the waves are huge and crash over me leaving me struggling to get up,I guess It just really does feel different now??<br />
<br />
I still have a lot of guilt.. I am on a prem FB page and sometimes you hear of all the 'miracle stories' of the babes that had grade IV brain bleeds and they are healthy children now.. It's really hard to read.. It's hard to read all the 'Never give up' messages.. I don't like to think I gave up.. Logically I don't think I did.. But, I guess it depends what day you catch me on.. Some days are better than others..<br />
<br />
I don't post a lot here anymore, I am part of a close knit bereavement group on FB so I post in there if I feel I need to. I should really post here though, as I like to think that I may be helping someone who publically comes across this blog for whatever reason.. I never would have got through without the support I recieved online and through the support group.. Baby loss can be so isolating.. Unless you have been through it, you don't understand, no matter how hard you may try. That's the reason I started this blog, to try and give back and let a newly bereaved family know they are not alone... Anyway, I'll wrap it up there.. I'll be back :)Abbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13288304980939842986noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5491075528316810694.post-10410569132057796812012-12-25T10:30:00.000+10:002012-12-25T10:30:07.183+10:00Merry Christmas my sweet AngelsConsidering this is my 4th Christmas without Taite and Seth, you'd think I'd know by now how painful it is.. I am missing my boys so much. I really wish they were here. Although it's painful, I am one of the lucky ones who got to wake up to my take home baby this morning. There was nothing sweeter and it truly makes this Christmas the best Christmas EVER!I feel so very very lucky, but my family will always be incomplete. This Christmas they would have been old enough to understand the excitement of Santa and presents. Their little faces would have lit up in amazement to see that Santa had been. Their little imaginations would have run wild as they tried to speculate how Santa actually got in and left the presents. *Sigh, I will get to see that one day with my beautiful rainbow baby, but it should be this year. Taite and Seth SHOULD be here. I SHOULD have 3 children with me this Christmas.. Taite and Seth will never ever be forgotten and they are forever missed.<br />
<br />
Dear Santa, <br />
<br />
I'm writing this letter as I'm feeling a little blue. I hope you don't think I'm asking too much of you. You visit every year and leave us such wonderful things, but I'm wondering if you visit all the children who have wings? <br />
<br />
I know you are very busy, so much to do in one night, but could you please make an extra trip to the stars that shine so bright? <br />
<br />
You see my baby lives up there, just too perfect for life on earth, no presents I could send to truly show their worth. <br />
<br />
Please leave them a gift and put a stocking on their cloud, filled full of precious presents from their family on the ground. <br />
<br />
Please stroke their sleepy head and tell my baby I love them so, that my heart aches with sadness and my tears just seem to flow.<br />
<br />
If you could do this for me Santa, I may even be able to smile, even if it is just for a little while. So thank you very much Santa for all that you do, after all it is Christmas in heaven too.Abbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13288304980939842986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5491075528316810694.post-78701595881173670832012-12-02T23:33:00.000+10:002012-12-02T23:41:26.898+10:00Birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas..<br />
<br />
Wow, it is the 2nd of December..<br />
<br />
21st of November it was what would have been Taite and Seth's 4th Birthday. My babies would have been 4 years old. Wow. I can't believe that much time has passed.<br />
<br />
The day was nice. Mum, Baby Button and I did a balloon release. I normally get blue ballooons, but I got red this year, as I was told you can see them for longer in the sky. Unfortunately it was so bloody windy, one of the balloons popped before we let them go, then when we did let them go they got stuck in the tree :/ We tried to get better pics but it didn't happen lol<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsrkHDXsMc21llZ0fRSfaW1Zf9DBZSK3poV7jtkqutdEwEHEa3hizWHSNeD1UOEoJcRcmwF6GfSdk3_HNuWewmC1DJ98RbB8GJFrrIKPAoWKz81UyKxeDlVjcv1GQaYPwG0xA_NhYuxLoF/s1600/IMAG3395.jpg" imageanchor="1" style=""><img border="0" height="191" width="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsrkHDXsMc21llZ0fRSfaW1Zf9DBZSK3poV7jtkqutdEwEHEa3hizWHSNeD1UOEoJcRcmwF6GfSdk3_HNuWewmC1DJ98RbB8GJFrrIKPAoWKz81UyKxeDlVjcv1GQaYPwG0xA_NhYuxLoF/s320/IMAG3395.jpg" /></a><br />
<br />
The last 13 days have been better than previous years. I have been on a nice holiday and with Baby Button around, I have a very very good reason to smile. I always wish his big brothers were here though, running around and playing. I wish I knew what they were like. In looks and personality. I see Baby Button and wonder if they would all be similar.<br />
<br />
So tomorrow is the anniversary of their death. 4 years since my babies died. 4 years since I last held them. Felt their soft skin and smelt their baby smell. If I had just one more day... If I had just one more day I would have more photos. I'd have skin to skin with them.. I'd put some breastmilk on their lips and around their mouths so they could be familiar with me. I'd drink them in even more than I did. <br />
<br />
I DIDN"T GET ENOUGH FUCKING TIME WITH THEM. It isn't fair.. I want more of everything, but most of all I wish they were here. My perfect little 4 year old boys.<br />
<br />
Taite and Seth, I love you and I always will. I miss you xxAbbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13288304980939842986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5491075528316810694.post-76634796206604530902012-10-03T23:01:00.000+10:002012-10-03T23:01:08.061+10:00Birthdays and Balloons..What a week we've had and my boys have sure been missed. This week the twins little brother turned 1. I planned a party with excitement but also with a hint of sadness. This should not have been the first party I planned..
<p/> The theme for Baby Button's party was jay Jay the Jet Plane. We had a helium balloon and today I suggested we should let it go so Taite and Seth can play with it.. Baby Button gave a great big smile :) <p/>
Watching Baby Button grow has been truley amazing. I often wonder what Taite and Seth would look like. Would they be challenging feeders like their brother? Would they sleep, how would they interact?
<p> I miss Taite and Seth so much. I can't believe it's coming up to their 4th birthday! I am planning a balloon release, hopefully Mum will be here for it too :)<p/>
Not a day goes by where Taite and Seth aren't thought of.. I often picture them hovering above, perfect angels, sprinkling angel dust that symbolises love and protection..
<p> Love you my Sons xxx <p/>Abbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13288304980939842986noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5491075528316810694.post-19370845399306056622012-08-16T21:55:00.002+10:002012-08-16T21:55:50.711+10:00IncompleteI miss my big boys. I am so lucky to have my beautiful miracle take home baby, but I will never be truly complete. It is unfair that my first born babies aren't here.. I love you Taite and Seth xxAbbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13288304980939842986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5491075528316810694.post-65733905125586010572012-07-09T23:16:00.001+10:002012-07-09T23:16:44.638+10:00Rainbows :)Last week I got back from an interstate trip. I took Jett to see family in the toen I grew up in.. It was a long time coming.. Ever since Taite and Seth died, I felt a heavy heart when travelling, as I always thought how they should be with me. So this trip was bittersweet...
<P>As we were driving to the airport there was the most beautiful rainbow. My boys were with me. All of them. At the airport Jett and I looked out the window and I just knew that Taite and Seth were saying "It's ok Mummy, we're here"</P>
On the way back We had a window seat on the plane. Sure enough, just before take off I saw another rainbow. I watched as another plane took off towards it. My boys were there with me again...
<P> Rainbows had never really been significant before. In the baby loss world surviving babies born after the death of a baby are often called 'Rainbow babies' Sure enough, the weekend Jett was conceived, I was standing out on the balcony and viewed a small rainbow streaking through the dark clouds.. I hoped that was a sign, and low and behold it was. Ever since then, rainbows have become a sign of my boys.</P>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkzw2Bz8LhgBE-IPunrh7ki61FDm9FOGnlp0KWyhXRqZh2exM7zchT0Yajc-qbn4P7R9m__D_STfBMlsb9mxq9kaA_m0eP5HBTEzUwx227R-MBSuOkNbN-EHCTEZNFZLi6S-8Kpzr2xjh2/s1600/IMAG0064.jpg" imageanchor="1" style=""><img border="0" height="191" width="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkzw2Bz8LhgBE-IPunrh7ki61FDm9FOGnlp0KWyhXRqZh2exM7zchT0Yajc-qbn4P7R9m__D_STfBMlsb9mxq9kaA_m0eP5HBTEzUwx227R-MBSuOkNbN-EHCTEZNFZLi6S-8Kpzr2xjh2/s320/IMAG0064.jpg" /></a>Abbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13288304980939842986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5491075528316810694.post-57758651139205579392012-06-05T23:53:00.002+10:002012-06-05T23:53:25.396+10:00Where you used to live..Dear Taite and Seth,
I thought about you lots today, as I stood outside room 4. Room 4 is where you spent majority of the time you were Earthside. I miss you so much, I wish so much I got to walk you out of that hospital, instead of leaving your dead bodies in the morgue for some funeral director to collect. I think of you as little babies still, but you wouldn't be. You two would be 3 and a half.. I would love to be able to see you as the adorable little boys you would have been. I miss you. I miss what could have been, I miss being able to watch you grow.. What should have been.. I hope wherever you both are, you're having loads of fun. Keep playing up there boys, I love you so much.. Missing you always my Angels.. Love Mama xxxAbbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13288304980939842986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5491075528316810694.post-31618944153382337532012-04-24T00:08:00.001+10:002015-11-23T22:51:36.412+10:00Missing being a twin mummyHaving Jett in NICU for so long I came across lots of twins. Twins are special. I stayed with a friend of mine the other week who has twin boys.. They were prem as well and when she was going though her NICU journey I was very detached. It hadn't been that long since I lost the twins and it was before Jett was even a twinkle.. I am now very close to this wonderful Mama so off I went to stay with her. It was strange sometimes, seeing her twins interact made me think of mine.. A lot. I think of them anyway, but I guess seeing the bond between her boys made me realise this is what I am missing out on seeing with mine. It all comes back to what should have been. I should be watching my 3 year old twins play together. I should have 3 children not 1. When answering the question of how many children I have, I wish it wasn't tainted with sadness.. I love you Taite and Seth, I imagine you are here sometimes, I think about what you would look like and how you would play together. I miss you. I wish I had you in my arms. xxAbbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13288304980939842986noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5491075528316810694.post-84457584600147467852012-03-23T21:21:00.000+10:002012-03-23T21:21:53.255+10:00Time..How fast the time goes. I went through some of Taite and Seth's stuff the other day because I want to find some of their stuff to have in Jett's photo shoot. I feel so far away from my son's. I feel like it was a lifetime ago. I feel a bit detached and I wish I didn't. I don't know why I feel that way. Maybe because I am so busy. maybe the trauma of having 3 premature babies is too much to deal with so I only focus on right now. I am so traumatised. I thought I was ok. I'm not. The trauma of having 3 premature babies is right there doing my head in. Why now? I got my happy ending.. I brought a baby home. I'm grateful. I wanted Taite and Seth too. I wish they were here. I miss them so much.Abbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13288304980939842986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5491075528316810694.post-1075276045612753542012-02-17T01:02:00.001+10:002012-02-17T01:02:38.282+10:00I miss youTaite and Seth, I miss you. I am a mother of 3, not one. I think now that Jett is better I am seeing all I have missed out on. I love you, I wish you were here. xxAbbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13288304980939842986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5491075528316810694.post-14068850007899912932012-02-08T19:58:00.000+10:002012-02-08T20:01:27.003+10:00My Little Babies.. I miss you.I have a feeling Taite and Seth have been working very hard to protect their brother.. I like to think of them as his guardian angels :) I have been talking to them a lot about Jett.
<p>I miss my twins so much still. I always think of what could have been. I love to imagine a life where my twins are running around being crazy boys, playing with each other, then imagine what they would be like with Jett once we're home.. I am exposed to twins every day in the hospital.. They are everywhere and I have become friends of some of the parents. It's hard sometimes. I want my twins.. I want to know what it's like to be a mother to twins. I feel sad that they aren't here. I feel sad that I couldn't take them home. I have come a looong way in my grief though. I honestly do think Jett has been part of that healing. The twins are my past and Jett is my future if that makes sense....</p>
<p><i>Dear Taite and Seth,</p>
<p>Mummy loves you and thinks about you two all the time. I hope you are having fun up there! Thank you so much for being awesome big brothers to Jett and keeping a close watch on him. I wonder if he can see you. He stares at your picture for hours.. I think you have a communication between you. I like to think that anyway.. I love you my babies. No matter what happens you will always be in my heart. I Miss you. xxx</p>
</i>Abbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13288304980939842986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5491075528316810694.post-30475621642457434252011-12-31T14:16:00.002+10:002011-12-31T14:17:22.910+10:00Another year..I haven't had a lot of time to think about Taite and Seth in a deep sense. I think about them everyday, miss them everyday, but to think deeply about the fact I should have two more children here with me is very hard at the moment. I don't think I have enough mental energy to cope with everything that's happening with Jett AND the grief of my twins as well.. I sometimes feel guilty for not having time for them now their brother is here, I guess I would feel guilt if they were here too. I am looking forward to when I have Jett home and can occasionally have days where I just focus on Taite and Seth and let my grief be whatever it is... I am looking forward to a bonnie babes meeting. Not sure when I'll get to one of those though...Abbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13288304980939842986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5491075528316810694.post-53752705585307057392011-12-26T16:37:00.002+10:002011-12-26T16:37:35.157+10:00Merry Christmas my sweet angelsMy darling Taite and Seth,
<p>Merry Christmas my Angels. Mummy missed you so much. I hate so much that you aren't here for me to spoil at Christmas time. You would have been 3 this Xmas, an age where you really would have enjoyed the magic of Santa. I miss you everyday, but at Xmas I get so sad to be without my firstborn son's. I love you so much and will never stop loving or missing you. When you left a piece of my heart went with you. I hope you had a lovely Xmas, up there in the stars with your many angel friends. </p>
Love always Mummy xxxxlAbbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13288304980939842986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5491075528316810694.post-1958760917600912822011-12-21T00:40:00.002+10:002011-12-21T00:46:13.514+10:00:(I miss my babies so so much. They should be here and they're not. Life really fucking sux sometimes. I am so grateful I have another son who brings me so much happiness. I still miss them though. <br /><br />Taite and Seth, Mummy will never stop loving you or missing you. "There's a hole in my soul that can never be filled, in my heart, you live on, always there, never gone"Abbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13288304980939842986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5491075528316810694.post-33183723340925884392011-12-03T08:09:00.003+10:002011-12-03T15:14:55.089+10:00Happy 3rd Angelversary my Babies<span style="font-style:italic;">Dear Taite and Seth,<br /><br />Wow, it's been 3 years. I can't believe it has been that long since I held you in my arms. I remember it like yesterday, walking into that isolation room, doing your cares 1 last time, watching on as you had a cuddle with your grandparents, then the time came. Daddy held Seth and I held Taite as they removed your ventilation. We lay with you as you took your last breaths and the colour drained from your tiny bodies. <br /><br />You stopped breathing within about 4 mins of each other. Seth first, then Taite. I remember because you were born within 4 mins of each other. When we were sure all signs of life had gone, we left the room while the doctors took out your lines and declared your time of death.. I don't remember what time it was. Sometime in the early evening. When we came back in the nurses had positioned you beautifully, together, holding hands. You looked so at peace, so glad to be in your new world together. It was the only thing that made the experience bearable, was seeing you wrapped together looking so so peaceful.<br /><br />We lay together with you for a little while, then we took you for your first big boy baths. We gently bathed and wrapped you, then left you together.. <br /><br />I saw you a couple more times before your cremation. The next day I saw you at the hospital before the funeral home came and took you. You were still laying together, looking like perfect little dolls.<br /><br />Your funeral was on December 10th at a beautiful little chapel. How I wish I'd had photo's of that day. I didn't know, I didn't think I'd want to remember such a day. I regret that so much. It was a beautiful chapel and a beautiful service. Daddy and I released doves after it. The pictures would have been beautiful.<br /><br />I don't remember how long after, we got your ashes back. A few days? A week? They were back before xmas. They are in a tiny silver urn with teddy bears. They always sit pride of place, along with your pictures, scrapbooks, candles and other various gifts we have received in your memory over the last 3 years.<br /><br />The story of your life and death is very short, but the impact you have had on my life will last a lifetime. You have touched many many peoples lives and will continue to do so. <br /><br />Not a day goes by where I don't wish you were here. I love you so so much my babies. Thank you for choosing me to be your Mother.<br /><br />Always in my heart,<br /><br />Love & miss you always, Mummy xxxxxx</span>Abbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13288304980939842986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5491075528316810694.post-11054598551746994112011-11-21T23:10:00.004+10:002011-11-21T23:34:33.219+10:00Happy 3rd Birthday my gorgeous boys!!!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNHEp_HJqvBMtOwuSvzFM5PKI7q6qRhCUOwxFwcBvHOq82D4w0WpDXlT9PY-BwA3jQiMIak-Gk14gh16Xt79I8YJ-p1_20QoRnJ_n1W6r-CjbJhaoDIgiDEAbLTFqTSAyeND_Pu_kqWjKB/s1600/IMAG0500.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 120px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNHEp_HJqvBMtOwuSvzFM5PKI7q6qRhCUOwxFwcBvHOq82D4w0WpDXlT9PY-BwA3jQiMIak-Gk14gh16Xt79I8YJ-p1_20QoRnJ_n1W6r-CjbJhaoDIgiDEAbLTFqTSAyeND_Pu_kqWjKB/s200/IMAG0500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5677441571983841586" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkAU4eDB-5iWKyMq_p7nxx7gqWwbRtD4DMJ7w19NH0Wb57z61HnLj6S50X4VrmgmCTgk_NMdfiICxF47nepnsw6Zk5KUt6k8onGzn2SBfjPy0rjabN2gTKtzZ8rA49jh7jy8bdINDFJuy_/s1600/IMAG0499.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 120px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkAU4eDB-5iWKyMq_p7nxx7gqWwbRtD4DMJ7w19NH0Wb57z61HnLj6S50X4VrmgmCTgk_NMdfiICxF47nepnsw6Zk5KUt6k8onGzn2SBfjPy0rjabN2gTKtzZ8rA49jh7jy8bdINDFJuy_/s200/IMAG0499.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5677441564364805522" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwvUSOCVNwWmJ01tJsHBbdf41IRg7Gd_3sGXt3fAJxWEws3tR341Wt9xb4lTeCMHXZ2II_5N_5QHGDl-Zdb-YF77qyU1XneWKdDghLKj-MkkJD-4gqYz0GIjVkC25X5k8qeM13MlHxuQHv/s1600/IMAG0498.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 120px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwvUSOCVNwWmJ01tJsHBbdf41IRg7Gd_3sGXt3fAJxWEws3tR341Wt9xb4lTeCMHXZ2II_5N_5QHGDl-Zdb-YF77qyU1XneWKdDghLKj-MkkJD-4gqYz0GIjVkC25X5k8qeM13MlHxuQHv/s200/IMAG0498.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5677441093302525106" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Wow! 3 years have passed since my firstborn sons were brought into this world. Sometimes it feels like forever, other times like yesterday.<br /><br />We had a nice day today. Debbie and Jeff from Bonnie babes came up and brought us balloons to release, and make beautiful cupcakes :) Mum, Deb, Jeff and I went to Newfarm park. It was so beautiful and the weather was perfect. We sat down first and had a cuppa and chat then let the balloons go. The balloons always stay together. I like to imagine them playing with their balloons with their many angel friends. I put on my FB status that although I try to imagine my babes as the 3 year olds they would be, they are still my newborn babies that I held in my arms. I wish so much they were still here. I think about them every day. Sometimes I remember their journey so clearly, other times, I think it's too painful to let my mind think about. Their birthday though is always a celebration. It's a happy day for me, the day they were born. I'm so proud Taite and Seth chose me to be their Mama. They brought so much to my life. They made me a Mother.<br /><br />I love you Taite and Seth, I miss you so much.Abbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13288304980939842986noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5491075528316810694.post-73593839978665030012011-11-13T15:38:00.002+10:002011-11-13T15:41:05.212+10:00Missing my babesTaite and Seth, Mummy is thinking about you all the time. As it creeps up to your 3rd birthday I can't believe it has been that long. I miss you and wish you were here. We are hoping to get to a park to release balloons up to you so you have something to play with. I am so proud of you both and I'm sure you are holding your brother's hand as he struggles through.. I love you my sweet angels. xxAbbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13288304980939842986noreply@blogger.com0