My Forever Babies Taite and Seth

Another year..

2011-12-31T14:16:00.002+10:00

I haven't had a lot of time to think about Taite and Seth in a deep sense. I think about them everyday, miss them everyday, but to think deeply about the fact I should have two more children here with me is very hard at the moment. I don't think I have enough mental energy to cope with everything that's happening with Jett AND the grief of my twins as well.. I sometimes feel guilty for not having time for them now their brother is here, I guess I would feel guilt if they were here too. I am looking forward to when I have Jett home and can occasionally have days where I just focus on Taite and Seth and let my grief be whatever it is... I am looking forward to a bonnie babes meeting. Not sure when I'll get to one of those though...

Merry Christmas my sweet angels

2011-12-26T16:37:00.002+10:00

My darling Taite and Seth,

Merry Christmas my Angels. Mummy missed you so much. I hate so much that you aren't here for me to spoil at Christmas time. You would have been 3 this Xmas, an age where you really would have enjoyed the magic of Santa. I miss you everyday, but at Xmas I get so sad to be without my firstborn son's. I love you so much and will never stop loving or missing you. When you left a piece of my heart went with you. I hope you had a lovely Xmas, up there in the stars with your many angel friends.

Love always Mummy xxxxl

:(

2011-12-21T00:40:00.002+10:00

I miss my babies so so much. They should be here and they're not. Life really fucking sux sometimes. I am so grateful I have another son who brings me so much happiness. I still miss them though.

Taite and Seth, Mummy will never stop loving you or missing you. "There's a hole in my soul that can never be filled, in my heart, you live on, always there, never gone"

Happy 3rd Angelversary my Babies

2011-12-03T08:09:00.003+10:00

Dear Taite and Seth,

Wow, it's been 3 years. I can't believe it has been that long since I held you in my arms. I remember it like yesterday, walking into that isolation room, doing your cares 1 last time, watching on as you had a cuddle with your grandparents, then the time came. Daddy held Seth and I held Taite as they removed your ventilation. We lay with you as you took your last breaths and the colour drained from your tiny bodies.

You stopped breathing within about 4 mins of each other. Seth first, then Taite. I remember because you were born within 4 mins of each other. When we were sure all signs of life had gone, we left the room while the doctors took out your lines and declared your time of death.. I don't remember what time it was. Sometime in the early evening. When we came back in the nurses had positioned you beautifully, together, holding hands. You looked so at peace, so glad to be in your new world together. It was the only thing that made the experience bearable, was seeing you wrapped together looking so so peaceful.

We lay together with you for a little while, then we took you for your first big boy baths. We gently bathed and wrapped you, then left you together..

I saw you a couple more times before your cremation. The next day I saw you at the hospital before the funeral home came and took you. You were still laying together, looking like perfect little dolls.

Your funeral was on December 10th at a beautiful little chapel. How I wish I'd had photo's of that day. I didn't know, I didn't think I'd want to remember such a day. I regret that so much. It was a beautiful chapel and a beautiful service. Daddy and I released doves after it. The pictures would have been beautiful.

I don't remember how long after, we got your ashes back. A few days? A week? They were back before xmas. They are in a tiny silver urn with teddy bears. They always sit pride of place, along with your pictures, scrapbooks, candles and other various gifts we have received in your memory over the last 3 years.

The story of your life and death is very short, but the impact you have had on my life will last a lifetime. You have touched many many peoples lives and will continue to do so.

Not a day goes by where I don't wish you were here. I love you so so much my babies. Thank you for choosing me to be your Mother.

Always in my heart,

Love & miss you always, Mummy xxxxxx

Happy 3rd Birthday my gorgeous boys!!!

2011-11-21T23:10:00.004+10:00

Wow! 3 years have passed since my firstborn sons were brought into this world. Sometimes it feels like forever, other times like yesterday.

We had a nice day today. Debbie and Jeff from Bonnie babes came up and brought us balloons to release, and make beautiful cupcakes :) Mum, Deb, Jeff and I went to Newfarm park. It was so beautiful and the weather was perfect. We sat down first and had a cuppa and chat then let the balloons go. The balloons always stay together. I like to imagine them playing with their balloons with their many angel friends. I put on my FB status that although I try to imagine my babes as the 3 year olds they would be, they are still my newborn babies that I held in my arms. I wish so much they were still here. I think about them every day. Sometimes I remember their journey so clearly, other times, I think it's too painful to let my mind think about. Their birthday though is always a celebration. It's a happy day for me, the day they were born. I'm so proud Taite and Seth chose me to be their Mama. They brought so much to my life. They made me a Mother.

I love you Taite and Seth, I miss you so much.

Missing my babes

2011-11-13T15:38:00.002+10:00

Taite and Seth, Mummy is thinking about you all the time. As it creeps up to your 3rd birthday I can't believe it has been that long. I miss you and wish you were here. We are hoping to get to a park to release balloons up to you so you have something to play with. I am so proud of you both and I'm sure you are holding your brother's hand as he struggles through.. I love you my sweet angels. xx

2 weeks today til...

2011-11-07T21:04:00.003+10:00

My babies 3rd birthday.. Wow, I never expected to spend their birthday in the NICU with their baby sibling. I can't believe how fast time has gone, but also how much it can feel like yesterday.

I think with Jett here and so much going on I haven't been able to let my mind think about the twins too much.. I do think of them and miss them everyday still, but I mean the fact that they died right here in the hospital I'm in everyday.. I think if I let my mind go there I would have some sort of breakdown with the stress, grief etc..

I had a dream the other night that I was trying to tell people about taite and Seth and no one would listen. When I woke up, I knew I had to let my mind acknowledge the feelings that were deeply buried. If I was at home right now, without anything else to focus on I would probably be a wreck, but the mind has an amazing coping mechanism..

I am not sure what to do on Taite and Seth's birthday. I wanted to go to Burleigh Hill like I did last year and do a balloon release, but this year I can't.. I feel a bit guilty in a way that this year their birthday isn't about them because it is still all about Jett. I comfort myself by thinking that the twins are looking after their baby brother and they know that I am right where I need to be. Once Jett is home, I will go back to having Taite and Seth time. Monthly support group meetings and proper memorial celebrations for them. I miss my support group meetings, I miss talking about my boys. I do talk about them though, a lot of the nurses that look after Jett were here when the twins were and they all remember us :) I also tell other Mums about them, although I think it makes the other Mums uncomfortable. (I don't tell Mums of bubs under 25wks gestation, because I am I will make the possibility of death more real for them, which I don't want to do)

I miss Taite and Seth so much, I am so proud of my beautiful boys.. They were strong, they were fighters. People seem to forget that I think sometimes..

I love you Taite and Seth, you are never far from my thoughts and always in my heart xx

ETA: I just realised that my other website is working again yay!! Click on the picture of the twins together if you haven't seen my memorial website.

Taite and Seth's website..

2011-10-26T00:19:00.003+10:00

I just discovered tonight that the twins memorial site has changed and for some reason some of the links can't be accessed.. I would like to fix it, but don't have the time. If anyone who reads this blog is tricky with websites I would love it if you could contact me because I would like to add links to this blog and combine the sites.. The links in particular that I would like to add are the poems and quotes and our story.. I am upset that I could have directed people to this site and not be able to access these parts..

On another note - I can't believe it is nearly Taite and Seth's 3rd birthday. I think about my beautiful angels all the time..

Thank you Taite and Seth for watching over your baby brother and your Mummy. I love and miss you so much xx

Nearly 3yrs..

2011-09-23T11:39:00.003+10:00

I can't believe it's only a couple of months off what would have been Taite and Seth's 3rd birthday.. I hate thinking about what I have missed out on in that time.. Missing my babies so so much.. It's times like this the pain is still just too much to bare and I wish I could go to sleep and wake up from this nightmare.. I am so sorry my body failed you, my gorgeous son's..

Taite and Seth's special place in our home :)

2011-09-06T17:14:00.003+10:00

The picture is a little unclear, I think because of the glass doors reflecting light.

Taite and Seth are back at 'home'

2011-09-05T09:20:00.002+10:00

We ended up getting the glass diplay cabinet that all their stuff was in at my old house! Their stuff is all together, looking gorgeous, and importantly we have a space that is out of reach of little hands, which although doesn't matter now, it will one day.. I am loving their set up, I'd take a photo but it has mirrored backs so the light reflects and also you can see my reflection. It looks good and I love it when my babies stuff is set up 'just right'..

I miss you Taite and Seth.. You would be so big now and learning new things every day! I wish you were here. xx

Finding the right space for my babies..

2011-08-21T12:57:00.000+10:00

So we have moved house and I haven't got a proper cabinet or bookshelf to put my babies memorial stuff and ashes on. I have set up the stuff on a little table and corner unit, and I'm happy with it, it looks good BUT then I realised that behind them is a power point with the cables we run to the TV/DVD player. My 1st thought was, if there was an electrical fault at that power point, their stuff would go 1st in a fire. I can't stand that, I can't stand the thought of losing their stuff forever, even if it is an unlikely event. So they have to be moved and I don't know where. Also I have to get Jade to move them, as i have to stay resting.. Why are these things so hard. I wish i was just setting up clothes and toys in their own rooms, not their ashes and memories :(

Opening old wounds..

2011-08-04T19:45:00.000+10:00

Last night i read the journal I kept when Taite and Seth were in NICU.. I shouldn't have. It was really painful to read, but I think it also affected me subconsciously because I woke up this morning feeling like shit. I mean REALLY feeling like shit.. It's amazing to read, what we went through. There are a lot of things I would do differently,if I had another NICU baby, but then again I don't know until I have to face the situation. I'm praying I never have to.

It was strange reading the joy of a new mother in the early days. The joy I felt when their 1st lot of brain scans came back clear. I could feel joy oozing from the page. Unfortunately i felt the same reading the sad parts. I could feel it, and I was back there making that awful decision of whether my son's would live or die. Then the pain of living after their death. I just can't believe that this happened. That it's real. It happened to us. Our son's died at 12 days old.. I wont be exposing myself to the reality of the story again for quite sometime. I think for the moment although of course I know every day that my son's died, I don't feel that raw grief like I did. i just can't go there at this stage of my life.. It's like I'm in some sort of denial..

Working through the trauma..

2011-07-18T21:11:00.000+10:00

Subsequent pregnancy briefly mentioned...

So this pregnancy has triggered lots and lots of memories, that although I remembered, they weren't something I consciously thought about for quite some time. I hoped that this blog would remain about Taite and Seth alone, but I am finding that impossible because as most of the pain I'm feeling, apart from just missing my babies, is actually triggered by this pregnancy. This far down the track when I think of my babies I think of what they brought to my life and I think of what could have been, however most of the trauma of the pregnancy, birth & neo natal time before they actually died had not been in the fore front of my mind..

Anyway, I have been back to the hospital a few times now which was hard. I had a suture put in on the 15th and today I had to tell a mid wife my full obstetric history. I'm just feeling a little drained I think. I have been wanting to post for a while, but I just don't have the energy. Maybe I'll come back when I feel I have more to say.

A Mothers Grief

2011-06-28T18:54:00.000+10:00

You ask me how I'm feeling,
but do you really want to know?
he moment I try telling you
You say you have to go

How can I tell you,
what it's been like for me
I am haunted, I am broken
By things that you don't see

You ask me how I'm holding up,
but do you really care?
The moment I start to speak my heart, You start squirming in your chair.

Because I am so lonely,you see,
friends no longer come around,
I'll take the words I want to say And quietly choke them down.

Everyone avoids me now, I guess they don't know what to say
They told me I'll be there for you, then turned and walked away.

Call me if you need me,
that's what everybody said,
But how can I call and screaminto the phone, My God, my child is dead?

No one will let me say the words
I need to say
Why does a mothers grief
scare everyone away?

I am tired of pretending my heart hammers in my chest,
I say things to make you comfortable,but my soul finds no rest.

How can I tell you things
that are too sad to be told,
of the helplessness of holding a child who in your arms grows cold?

Maybe you can tell me,
How should one behave,
who's had to follow their childs casket,watched it perched above a grave?

You cannot imagine what it was like for me that day
to place a final kiss upon that box,
and have to turn and walk away.

If you really love me,
and I believe you do
if you really want to help me,
here is what I need from you.

Sit down beside me
reach out and take my hand,
Say " My friend, I've come to listen,
I want to understand."

Just hold my hand and listen
that's all you need to do,
And if by chance I shed a tear,
it's alright if you do to.

I swear that I'll remember till the day
I'm very old,
the friend who sat and held my hand
and let me bare my soul.

Written by Kelly Cummings

I wish I had found this poem when I lost Taite and Seth. It is so true. However I have been so blessed to have many good friends that I can talk about my babies too. I have bored many of them 1000 times with the same stories. There are a lot of people that get really uncomfortable though. I can't blame them. It's not nice to talk about, but it's frustrating when people think it's too upsetting for them when it didn't happen to them.. At this stage I find I am avoiding stories of miscarriage and loss for my own reasons. I really appreciate the fact I can choose to avoid these stories though now. I am still living my own nightmare of loss though and that will never go away..

The little things..

2011-06-18T12:06:00.000+10:00

Last night as I logged off my computer I noticed how beautiful my son's ears were. So little, so cute, so perfect. It's strange how sometimes things like that just catch your eye sometimes. I look at that picture of them together every day and it's the screen saver on my computer, but for some reason last night it was their ears that drew my attention. I miss those ears. I remember one of Seth's ears was squashed from him laying on it.. Very very cute. I miss you Taite and Seth. I wish you were here and we gave you the coolest names EVER!! :)

I wondered when I would be writing this post!

2011-05-19T12:43:00.000+10:00

I have no idea who reads this blog but I do know if you have just lost a baby this will be a difficult post to read.. I'm writing about subsequent pregnancy, but I'm hoping this will be the only time I write about it on here. If I ever do write about it, I will put a warning. So here it is. If it's too painful to read about subsequent pregnancy do not read on..............................................

Well, I was wondering if I would ever get to write this post. Taite and Seth are going to be big brothers. Jacob will be a big brother for the 2nd time. I'm 6wks pregnant. We had an U/S yesterday and there is 1 little tiny bub with a flickering heart. Absolute relief.. This is my 3rd pregnancy. 1st one was about 10yrs ago and ended in early M/C, 2nd pregnancy was with Taite and Seth, so now I'm hoping 3rd time lucky. I'm hoping and praying with everything I have I get to bring this baby home..

Finding out about this baby has brought so many emotions. 1st of course excitement! I am so happy to be pregnant again. It also bring worry because, I haven't brought a baby home before. So many things could go wrong. One thing I have on my side is that there is only 1 baby! My chances of carrying further are higher. Another thing is I will be having regular cervical measurements from 12wks. If I need a stitch it will be placed, hopefully earlier than 19wks. I have made an appointment with my cardiologist and had a referral sent to RWHB. They called me to confirm some details and said they would arrange an appointment ASAP. That was a week ago and I still haven't heard anything. I'm trying not to stress but it's hard. Anyway, I have started a pregnancy journal that I may make into a blog later. I didn't want Taite and Seth's space taken up by the new baby. (Who I refer to as 'Button'). I will still blog about my Forever babies. I miss them so much and wish they were here to look after this bub. They will just have to watch over from above. Love you Taite and Seth. Forever in Mummy's heart xxxxxx

Mother's Day..

2011-05-08T15:56:00.000+10:00

Has to be one of the worst days invented for Mummy's of Angels.. I woke up alone. Hugged Taite and Seth's bears and cried most of the morning. I should have my babies with me. This should be my 3rd Mothers day where I am happy and smiling. Instead I'm hurting and miserable.. I love and miss my Angels so much. I wanna be woken up with dribbly kisses from my 2 and a half year olds.. Instead, I just think of them.. It's not quite the same..

Just let me sleep...

2011-04-20T22:58:00.000+10:00

I am awake at 11pm still. I am normally in bed early unless I am partying! For the last 3 nights I haven't been able to get to sleep til 1am or so. Then I wake feeling like shit.

I am feeling a bit down at the moment, with easter coming up, the the dreaded mother's day.. I just wish I could sleep til it's over and wake up pregnant. I want to be a Mum, but even if I had another baby this pain wouldn't heal.. I just don't know if I can deal with this for the rest of my life.. How can I do it? This will be my 3rd Easter without Taite and Seth and although my grief has improved on a day to day basis, these family holidays and anniversaries are still as hard as they were the 1st year. Only difference is I have an idea of what's coming and I know I have felt it before.. I just hate it. I hate that my son's aren't here with me, and I hate that I am not yet a mother when I should be.. :(

More poems..

2011-03-25T17:53:00.000+10:00

I just came across a website with some lovely poems Bears of Hope for pregnancy and infant loss support.. I found 2 gorgeous poems so thought I would post them :)

TWIN ANGELS
Last night two little angels
Came and whispered in my ear.
And this is what they told me
“Don’t worry Mummy, we’re right here.

It feels like a long time
Since we last felt your touch.
And we wanted you to know
We miss you and Daddy very much.

We know that you love us
And think of us every day.
And it makes us very sad
that we had to go away.

But we know that our memory
will never ever die.
And we know that sometimes
When you think of us you cry.

But don’t worry Mummy
There's so much here to do.
And every day remember
We are watching over you.”

Then my angels kissed me
As tears rolled down my face.
And I knew we’ll all be together again
Another time. Another place.
Author unknown.

and this one...

THOUGHTS
I don't need a special day to bring the two of you to mind,
The days I do not think of you are very hard to find.
Each morning when I awake I know that you are gone,
And no one knows the heartache as I try to carry on.
My heart still aches with sadness and secret tears still flow,
What it meant to lose you two no one will ever know.
My thoughts are always with you,
Your places no one can fill.
In life I loved you both dearly,
In death I love you still.

I miss my babies.. "Mummy loves you Taite and Seth xxxx"

Why do due dates still bother me?

2011-03-09T08:05:00.000+10:00

At first it was subconsciously. I was emotional, angry, irritable, missing the twins and felt that tugging at my heart that is the longing to be a mother.. Then I realised it is nearing what would have been the twins due date Their due date was March 11th 2009 they were due on this date, and it was 2yrs ago!.. This will be the 3rd of their due dates that I have been through.. I truly have no clue why it effects me so much.. Most bubs aren't even born on their due date!Anyway, today it's just the same story. I'm unhappy, I wish my babies were here,I feel unfulfilled.. Feeling like shit today.. Blah..

A bit of de briefing (a bit confronting)

2011-02-19T15:06:00.000+10:00

Well, this post is a bit strange. I am about to post parts of my various responses in a forum discussion about whether babies should be resuscitated from 20wks.. It was stemmed by Poppi's Rule, a FB group campaigning to have this happen. It's funny how ok I feel at the moment, but how some things trigger such deep emotions. So here are some of my posts: (Some of them aren't full posts I just posted what is relevant to me and I didn't quote anyone else..)

I joined it.. My babies were JUST viable.. When I went into labour I was only 23wks (by date of 1st U/S) and my local hospital said I was not at the point of viability and were going to let me birth.. It was horrid to be told that just because of a 'date' my children weren't going to be given the chance to survive.. Luckily for me, I was under the care of another hospital and I was transferred up there and I stayed in labour til over 24wks.. So we got to choose whether the babies were rescusitated or not.. If anyone has read my story, (link in sig) you will know we chose that.. However we also chose later to cease their treatment.. My babies had 12 days of tubes, wires and ventilators and I feel guilty every day.. They died anyway, it sometimes seems like they went through all that for nothing.. On the other hand, I know they had the chance.. I know they knew their Mummy and Daddy loved them.. And selfishly, I am grateful I got to be a mummy for 12 days..

...My babies were past viability by 2 days and we still got the choice to resuscitate or not.. If we wanted to let nature take it's course that was ok. But selfishly, we wanted our babies saved. As I have said in my previous post I feel guilty for putting them through 12 days of hell, when at the end of the day they were said to have irreversible brain damage and to us it was the wrong thing to do to keep putting them through all that when they may have had what we deemed a bad quality of life..

But each side has it's bad.. I would have felt guilty not giving them a chance.. Even after we turned off their life support, I agonised for months if we had done the right thing.. I lie.. I regretted for months turning off their life support. I wanted them back, brain damaged or not.. I thought what kind of mother was I to not 'accept' my babies just because they were disabled.. But again on the other hand I did it for them.. I loved them and thats why I let them go.. I honestly have no idea what I would do if I was faced with the same situation.. As a mother, you do the best you can with what you know.. I knew I loved my babies and would be a good Mummy.. I feel guilty for many decisions and probably always will. The whole situation is FUCKED.. We need to prevent pre term birth

Not sure if my post made sense, obviously this is hugely emotional for me.. Also, I know it's not right to justify what babies go through medically, and I'm sure I have trauma scars that I don't even know about, but I was a very sick baby, I had a bad heart condition. As a bub, I had a nasogastric tube and was in and out of hospital. I had 2 surgeries, 1 open heart. I don't remember ANY of it.. As I said, it doesn't make it right to put babies through such trauma BUT if my babies had survived I would hope they could forgive me for what they went through..

...I think the same as you in some respect.. What my boys life would have been like had they survived with the brain damage would not be what I want. I would not want to be severly disabled.. Again not saying those who are have a low or no quality of life, it's what I deem I guess.. And with the twins it was about us and what we thought, and what we wanted. What we wanted for us and our sons and their older brother.. My partner didn't want our sons growing up looking at their older brother and cousins kicking a footy when they were stuck in a wheelchair not being able to MOVE let alone kick.. We had no idea how brain damaged they would be. Would they even be able to think? Really we don't know. Even before we turned off their life support I started grieving for my sons when I found out they had bleeding into their brain tissue. I was grieving for the chance to have a normal life, be a normal mother.. Does that make sense?? I totally understand what you are saying when you say by saving premmies we could be creating disabled children.. My babies were perfectly healthy, just born too soon. It was MY body that failed, not theirs. Had I carried to full term I am sure (never know ANYTHING for sure) but I am pretty sure they would have been healthy.. That just adds another guilt emotion into the mix because my body let me down..

I got 1 thing from reading over my posts.. I still hold an ENORMOUS amount of guilt.. I saw a psychic and she told me that I wont have another preterm baby. She said there was an evolved soul just waiting for me, but I cannot accept it yet.. In other words I'm not going to fall pregnant til I clear my emotional shit.. I think I need to let go of my guilt.. I'm going to work on it...

I got to do a bit of a Mummy brag on the w'end :)

2011-02-16T21:50:00.000+10:00

On the weekend I went back to my hometown for a friends birthday party.. While I was there I caught up with my Mummy (Yay!) and many other people.. Some people I hadn't seen for 10yrs or more. Some people that knew I was a Mummy, ssome people that didn't.. Either way, I got to tell people about my beautiful boys to people that actually hadn't heard it before! I feel that EVERYONE knows about the twins, and because there's no new experrience or pics to show, I'm just telling people the same story, over and over.. It was nice to have a bit of a Mummy brag and to have people look at my pictures and tell me how beautiful my son's were.. I chose carefully who I showed the pics to because I knew I would get upset if I could see they were uncomfortable..

I only had 1 bad experience.. 1 person (a male) saw me and asked if I had kids yet.. I thought he may have known but obviously he didn't, anyway, I said Yeah I did have twins 2yrs ago, but they were premmie and died.. He said "Oh well, 2yrs, you'd be over it by now wouldn't you"
I laughed and said sarcastically "Yeah, it only takes 2 yrs to get over when your kids die" He said "Oh well, you know what I mean, you're alright" I just nodded and said dryly "Yeah, I'm alright" and changed the subject.. I was pretty proud of myself, if something like that had been said a year ago I probably would have thrown my champagne in his face and abused him! Lol Now at least I can laugh at his utter ignorance!

I also find it amusing that because I went through this traumatic experience of losing my children, people ask if I am going to try again.. Some are shocked when I say yes without a doubt.. Of course I'm scared, but I want to be a Mum.. Nothing will change that for me.. Maybe it does for some though....

Anyway, apart from that ignorant comment, Yay for my Mummy brag, but I also found it was a trigger in other ways. I saw a girl there, a daughter of someone at the party. Last time I saw her she was literally a child.. Now she is 22 with 3 kids! It kind of made me sad that I was my age and still childless.. My babies should have come on this holiday with me.. When I was on the plane I kept visualising what it would have been like, taking my 2yr old twins down to meet people they had never seen before. I wished they were here to show off.. But they aren't so I just thought about them, and talked about them lots instead..

All in all I had a great weekend. Things are going pretty well at the moment, I still get sad (of course) and I hate TAFE, but I am feeling ok about my life, which is always a good feeling :)

Today...

2011-01-15T16:15:00.000+10:00

Today I was up at 5am.. Today it occured to me that I didn't think about the fact my chilren died until 9.40am.. It was 4 and a half hours from waking until I consciously thought about them..Wow! I don't know how I feel about that.. As you may know from previous posts as time goes on I am feeling further and further away from them.. I don't want to be in the depths of grief, but I don't want to forget them.. Memories are all I have. I'm scared.. What if I get to a point where I go a day without thinking of my Son's.. I don't want that.. Remembering, not remembering, it all sux because they died and I shouldn't be in this position.. I am not sure what to feel about what occured to me today..

Just wanted to post

2011-01-05T22:17:00.000+10:00

I love you Taite and Seth and I miss you so much. I wish things were different.

Another year!

2011-01-01T20:53:00.000+10:00

Dear Taite and Seth,

Well, Mummy did it! I made it through another year without you.. I wish so much that you were here with me, being cheeky little 2yo ratbags.. I miss you so much, and not a single day goes by where I don't think of your precious little faces.. I wonder what you would have looked like, how your little personalities would shine. I wonder what life would have been like as your Mummy. I hate that you couldn't stay. As each year passes I feel further and further away from you.. I want time to stop.. I want to go back to when you were alive. I have never been so proud in my life. Taite James and Seth David, my little twinnys.. So tiny, so perfect. Thank you for choosing me to be your Mummy. I miss you xx

I wish I could brag about my son's without other people freaking out. I am a mother to the most precious boys in the world. I wish I was acknowledged like that. I don't want to be labelled 'strong' I don't want people to wonder how I get out of bed every day, I just want to be acknowledged as a Mum to beautiful twin boys who were too perfect to stay..

I don't have new photo's to show, I never will. I don't have new stories, but the stories I do have are so special and I am willing to relieve those 24wks of pregnancy and 12 days of being a mummy over and over. I felt many emotions during that time, but I have never been so happy as I was when my twins were alive..

Another childless xmas

2010-12-20T11:38:00.000+10:00

So, I have been in denial that Christmas will actually come.. But it didn't work and it's almost here. Before 2008 I had started to dislike Christmas because I wanted a baby to share Christmas with. I managed to stay in the Christmas spirit though and dream of the day i would finally have my Christmas miracle.. When I fell pregnant I was so happy that at Christmas time I would be pregnant, and that it would be my last Christmas childless.. When I went into premature labour, wow! I was a Mum by Christmas.. Then they died. Christmas 2008 I was still in shock. They only died 3wks before. Merry fucking Christmas.. Now I am the Christmas grinch. I have lost all spirit. I wish Christmas would fuck off. It is a sad time for me. Not only am I childless at Christmas, but I shouldn't be! I had babies, I was so close. I don't want to see another Christmas childless and not pregnant. It isn't fair. I wish so much I was dressing my 2yr old twins in matching outfits and getting their santa photos. I wish that I had spent way too much money on way too much crap just to see their little faces light up on Christmas morning. I wish when I saw the Christmas lights in Toowoomba I could have enjoyed them, instead of the whole event being tinged with sadness, because all I could think about was how much my babes would have loved it if they were here. I wish i could hibernate until January, but I can't so i'll just get drunk instead. Like I have done every other year!

Take me away from here...

2010-11-27T12:02:00.000+10:00

The land of grieving, that is.. I can't cope anymore, it's too hard. I will start the post by backtracking to Taite and Seth's birthday. I had a lovely day and after the balloon release friends of mine had put on a little 'party' for the twins.. Birthday cake and all.. It was really sweet, and a really nice way to celebrate the most important day of my life.. The twins birthday really is a day for celebration. I will never have that day again. The way I felt seeing my 1st born sons. Those babies, although they aren't here made me a Mummy and I love them so much. Above are pictures of the day.. The balloon release (although once the balloons were let go you can barely see them it was so windy) And the gifts I got. T & S as well as the baubles were given to me on that day, but the candle holders which I have the baubles sitting in were given to me a few days before by a friend I met on my parenting forum.. I was touched to recieve each and every one of these gifts.

It was Tuesday night I came crashing down and pretty much couldn't be awake without feeling in physical pain. I think of the boys every day, but it has been a long time since I have felt like this.. It was too painful to stay awake so I didn't. I just slept for almost 2 days. And when I was awake I cried.. Yesterday I felt a bit better, even managed to get an assignment done and function the way a normal person does.. This morning I am somewhere in between.. I woke up crying and have no energy.. I just want this pain to go away.. I wish this wasn't my life. Last night I dreamt I lost 3 more babies. All boys, and I got them cremated and added the ashes to Taite and seth's urn. No wonder I woke up crying.. I just wish I could rewind back 2yrs ago, before i found out about the brain bleeding. When they looked like they would make it.. I want to touch them, see them and sing to them again. I want my babies to be a live and not dead. I want this pain to go away. I don't know what I have done to deserve this, or what they did to suffer through their 12 days.. I would have been a good mother. I did everything right in my pregnancy, those babies were so loved and wanted I feel so ripped off, but in another way I am so blessed I got to meet them and spend 12 days with them.. I love you Taite and Seth, please send your Mummy some strength to get through another day without you. xx

21st November 2010 - Happy 2nd Birthday Taite and Seth..

2010-11-21T04:32:00.001+10:00

I feel ripped off that it is my son's 2nd birthday and there is no cake, no party, no squeals of delight, no tired temper tantrums at the end of a big day. Just me, alone with my thoughts and memorys and a couple of helium filled balloons.

To my little Twinnys,

I can't believe it has been 2yrs since the the day I became a mum to 24wk twin boys. Thank you for choosing me to be your Mama, I just wish you could have stayed longer.. Taite and Seth, you were so loved, so wanted before you were even concieved. I am so proud to be your mother I will treasure every precious memory of every moment spent with you in those 12 days. I miss you so much and I so desperately wish you were here with me. I wish things were different. I wish I was watching you giggle with excitement as you rip the wrapping off your presents. Instead my darlings, I will be going to a quiet place and I will let go of some balloons and think of every minute that I was lucky enough to have you in my life.. I love you my angels, Happy 2nd Birthday, Mummy is sending my love to you, wherever you are.. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

My Beautiful Babies.. A montage :)

2010-10-16T11:40:00.000+10:00

With a lot of help from a midwife on my parenting forum a beautiful montage has been put together and uploaded on you tube..

Remembering our Babies

2010-10-15T19:24:00.000+10:00

I am sitting here with 2 beautiful candles burning to take part in the wave of light.. Remembering Taite and Seth and all the other little angel babies..

Taite and Seth, Mummy loves and misses you everyday xx

Sharing my story

2010-09-19T19:55:00.000+10:00

So, on my parenting forum, one of the administrators put out a call to members to share a story. So I put my hand up to share my story about loss..

They are going to have something called Member Monday, where each Monday a member shares a story (not particularly about loss) So I got the details and tonight e mailed my story, pretty much the same as what is on my website..

I wonder how it will be received, as a lot of members may have read it, and the ones who haven't may have done so by choice?? I am hoping though that it may help members who may have recently had a loss..

I feel I have a lot to give in telling my story. There was so much to it. It wasn't that I had a baby and it died.. There was the fact I had twins, they were premmie, they survived in NICU for 12 days and the one that I wish I had been able to read IT GIVES AN ACCOUNT OF HOW IT FEELS TO MAKE THE DECISION TO TURN OFF YOUR BABIES LIFE SUPPORT! The hardest decision ever.. To know, that day that your baby is going to die. To know that this is the last hold you are ever going to have while your babies are alive.. That's powerful emotion and I want to share it, because I am sure it is more common than we think, but it is one thing that is not spoken about.. I suffered guilt for months, wondering if I had made the right decision and it was very very hard for me to find someone that related to that.. I hope I can help someone with my story.

I must admit it also has come at a good time for me in my grief as I am feeling very far away from my babies as more time passes.. This may just be my opportunity to remember them and have that closeness with them again through the grief. It also reminds others that I am a Mummy, I have had 2 beautiful son's that have made my world a different place..

I don't know how much sense that post makes but it makes sense to me.. I love and miss my babies so much and I can't believe that they would be almost 2!!

Fathers day...

2010-09-05T14:19:00.000+10:00

I am wondering how Jade is feeling today. Wondering if he is thinking about the fact he should be spending today with 3 children not just 1.. I wonder if he even cares that it's fathers day. I know he is not as sentimental as me.. Surely he is thinking of the twins today though.. I hope so. They deserve to be missed. I miss them. I miss them so much.. My life is about to take another positive step, I passed my exams so begin placement in the hospitals this week. It's great, I am proud of myself andd how far I have come, but I miss my babies. I wish I was a mother to my boys, not studying to be a nurse. I still feel ripped off. It was their brothers 6th birthday last week, he had a great party, but the twins were missed by me that day too. I kept thinking how they should have been there and how much fun they would have had. I wish I could see Jacob with his brothers. No words can ever express what I feel.. Saying I miss them isn't enough.. I can't describe how I feel about being a childless mother. The more time that passes, the more I learn to live with it. But it's also longer since I held them and saw them.. I feel like they are further away from me with each day that passes. I found this poem today and thought I would post it although it still doesn't explain how I am feeling as a childless mother.

A thousand tears or more these eyes have cried
and a thousand more lay in wait -
I am bathed with them
and yet my heart is still broken,
and all that is within me aches
with the loss of you, the wanting of you.

There is never a time for this that is right-
never a way that can prepare the heart
for this reft -you have passed through
my arms too soon, like sand flowing through fingers
I could not hold you here, though
I would try.

I know that your spirit flies free
and in the quiet depths of my heart, I can see you still
in the rhythm of the waves upon the shore
in the crisp fall air that fills my chest,
in the iridescent gleam of each dragonfly
skimming the surface between heaven and earth.

I miss my babies

2010-07-15T18:24:00.000+10:00

Today a friend of mine was speaking about when her daughter was a baby.. She spoke about breast feeding. That is 1 thing I really wish I got to experience with my babies.. I mean, I am greatful that I got to hold my babies alive, change their nappies. I got to bath them, (even though they had died by then)and they did have my milk but it was through a tube.. :( For months after they died I dreamt about breastfeeding them.. I just wish I got the chance.. Then thinking about missing out on that makes me think of the other things I have and will miss out on for the rest of my life.. Their smiles, crawling, walking, talking, their CUDDLES!!! I just miss them and wish they were here. I love you Taite and Seth, Mummy misses you EVERY DAY!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hmm..

2010-07-04T23:22:00.000+10:00

Not much to say. It was my birthday on Friday.. 29 years old.. Last year of my 20's!! I had a good time. But that thought was always there Although I am having a good time, it still should be different, I should have my babies here with me That is a thought that is never going to go away.. Ever! No matter what I am doing.. I miss my babies so much.. I wonder what they would be like now, what they would be doing and just how different my life would be.

I am proud of myself though. I have come a long way and my grief, although is always there and is always strong, it doesn't define me. I could still let it, and sometimes I do, but I really really want to be happy and I am doing my best to take the appropriate actions to do that. I hope my babies are proud of the person I have grown into, and although I hate to admit it, maybe if they hadn't had died, this wouldn't have happened.. Maybe them dying did give me this gift.. Even if it did though I would prefer the gift of motherhood! But I am trying to take control of the things I have control over and let myself be happy..

Things change so much, but 1 thing will always stay the same...

2010-06-14T10:33:00.000+10:00

In the last couple of months my life has changed so much.. And I must admit I have been having a lot of fun. I have been socialising a lot, having lots of laughs and it feels great. But one thing that stays the same is the fact that no matter what I am doing, who I am with, whether I am happy or sad I can't help but think My life should be different. I should be a stay at home Mummy to my baby boys. Who knows if Jade and I would have stayed together had the twins survived.. Maybe I would be a stuggling single parent instead of a carefree single girl. Or maybe we would still be together and planning our next baby.. All the what ifs.. What if my babies had survived. One thing I know for sure though is I would give ANYTHING to know the what ifs... I would give anything to have my sons here. Taite and Seth, Mummy misses you every single day and that is one thing that will NEVER change..

ETA: I just found this quote and it rings the truth!

Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed. ~Irene Peter

I want a living baby!

2010-05-31T14:17:00.000+10:00

One of the hardest things about my relationship ending is knowing for a fact I have no chance of being pregnant. I want to be a Mum to a living baby so much. I know I'm young, my time will come blah blah blah but I want it now.. I should be a mum to 2 beautiful boys, running around, causing mischief. I wish I wasn't maternal at all.. I really wish the desire would just go away. Sometimes it's bearable, other times the desire is so overwhelming and it is so hard to be patient. Another year til I have finished my nursing and until I'm 30, but I hope by then I will have some sort of plan in place and be closer to my dream of being a mum again..

The conversations to be had....

2010-05-30T02:17:00.000+10:00

I have had 2 conversations in the last couple of nights that have made me really think..
Convo 1:
I was at a friends house and she was having a 'make up work shop' She had 3 other ladies there who I had never met.. Fast forward to 1 of them leaving and the host (my friend) walks her out..

Meanwhile I am at the table with 2 other women who know each other.. Convo between them is all about schooling etc then suddenly 1 turns to me and says "What school do your kids go to?" I thought, Fuck am I really old enough to have school kids? Oh shit of course I am!! Then replied the horrid "I don't have kids..." Then quickly went on to say "I did, I had twins, but they were born premmie and only survived for 12 days....... bla bla bla.." Well one of the women turned away horrified and started a new convo with the hosts hubby, but the other lady spoke about it. Asked how I felt talking about them, then looked at pics on my phone etc.. It was nice.. The thing that really struck me was that lady 1 who turned away, didn't have a clue about my babies (and probably never will) but the other lady, not only asked 1st how I felt about speaking about them, but then was happy to speak about them with me.. She had the honour of seeing their pics and knew it was an honour. She thanked me for sharing my story.. Which was nice..

Anyway Convo 2:
A friend I have known for 17yrs called me and I was speaking about my nursing course and she said : "You know, I never thought you would do this" I asked her why, thinking it was due to my total laziness or lack of motivation but her response was : "I thought you would be a Mummy and thats what I thought you would be, for at least the next 10 yrs" And again that slap hit me and I thought yeah, I did too :( But I'm not. I am a nursing student working towards being a Mummy.. And that will have to do for now.. :(

Ok take 3........

2010-05-22T20:01:00.000+10:00

Well I moved again today.. I am so over fucking moving! THIS time, I hope it's the right place! I have been so up and down emotionally. I can't stand being unsettled! I hate it! I have exams exams exam.. Yuk.. I had exams the other day and I am pretty sure I failed one of my exams.. There is always the resit, but with everything that has been going on it has been so damn hard to focus and study :(... Anyway, time to focus on exams and try to accept that life throws shit at you and if it hits you and knocks you down you just have to get back up!! So, hopefully, things might go my way! I moved most of my stuff today and am spending my 1st night in my new house.. Taite and Seth are set up on my TV cabinet, so they have their space! (Always 1st priority) and I am just playing on the computer in between unpacking.. Also off subject but I wanted to thank my gorgeous friend KATHI from www.butterfliesandkittens.blogspot.com for the beautiful quilting block she made for me.. I can't wait to get it! :)

Miserable..

2010-05-12T17:07:00.000+10:00

It had to come.. I knew it would.. I have been seperated for just over 2wks and it's fuckin hard! I miss my babies and I miss their father.. The amount of grief I am feeling is overwhelming. I feel so depressed, stressed, anxious, teary.. I try to keep reminding myself I wont always feel like this. I am just sad, and I am back to living life 1 minute, 1 hour, 1 day at a time.. I just want this to pass and quickly. I don't feel like I can cope with much more. I have had enough of my shit life. I deserve to be happy so why the fuck does it feel impossible. There's always something.. I'm sick of waiting to be happy..I am trying to take positive steps and make positive life choices but I AM HURTING AND NEED THIS PAIN TO STOP!!

Happy Mother's Day..

2010-05-09T16:42:00.000+10:00

Happy Mothers day to all my babylost Mama friends! It is such a sad day when you are a childless mother. Today was good though I went and had lunch with Kathi from www.butterfliesandkittens.blogspot and we talked about our children. It was so good being able to talk about Taite and Seth so freely, not worrying about whether it made anyone uncomfortable. It was like we were just 2 mothers talking about our kids. (Which mothers of living children do all the time!)It was really good. I miss my babies so much and it really sux not having them here. But it was good to talk about them.. Now, even though I should be studying, I'm not going to, I am going to lay down with my pussy cat Jazz and watch DVDs! :)

Bonnie Babes

2010-04-30T15:30:00.000+10:00

I went to Bonnie Babes last night and before we left we were given a flower. Mine was a pink gerbera. It had a card attached with a beautiful poem.. It was my mothers day present. The only one I will get this year.. :( Thanks again Bonnie Babes, I am glad I am got something at all :)

A positive at last!

2010-04-29T17:42:00.000+10:00

Yay.. I have moved house and I like it, my cat likes it and Taite and Seth's ashes and and all the stuff in their 'space' are set up beautifully! I feel relieved and settled. Off to Bonnie Babes tonight. :)

Give me a break PLEASE!!!!!

2010-04-27T20:17:00.000+10:00

The room I am 'living' in is tiny. My cat wont settle and I'm terrified he will run away. They have a little dog I though my cat would be ok with, but it's not so.. Today I couldn't go to TAFE cos I was worried a flat mate would accidentally let my cat out and I know he will run away cos he is soo stressed. I have been vomiting all day, I am so stressed. I know I have done the right thing leaving, but I truly HATE this place. I need to move again I hate that my cat is so stressed. It's making me stressed. I know he is only a cat but he is my 8y/o baby. I have had him since 8wks old.. I can't lose my children, my relatioship and my cat! I feel like he is all I have at the moment. I am so upset, stressed and physically ill. And my poor cat will have to be locked in a tiny room all day while I go to class tomorrow. If he was comfy here he would be fine outside, I just know how much he hates it cos he got out this morning and went down a drain I managed to coax him out thank god (In my PJ's at 5am!) But yeah, I am so stressed and so scared I'm going to lose my cat who is all I've got this is so HARD!! I just wanna scream at whoever is in charge of this life, or destiny or whatever "I've had my fucking karma, can't 1 little think be easy for me!"

I did it!

2010-04-26T17:10:00.001+10:00

I moved out.. I am alone and scared. Felt SO many different emotions today.. I feel sad and overwhelmed..

Tough times ahead..

2010-04-23T23:07:00.000+10:00

Ok, so I am single.. Well going through a seperation currently. I am scared of Mother's day without my children, scared of mother's day without my children's father acknowledging me as a mother. Scared of knowing I wont be a mother for a very long time (I can't get pregnant by myself!) Scared of being single and alone.. But I will get through this.. I know I am not alone (even though I feel it sometimes).. I have my friends both IRL and in cyberworld.. I need support for tough times ahead.. I need support as I am feeling grief. not only am I grieving my children, but grieving the loss of my relationship and partnership..

Ok.. WOW!! Emotional!

2010-04-18T20:18:00.000+10:00

Ok so I just discovered how to retreive all my old posts, or thread subscriptions from the forum I'm on.. So being the glutton for punishment I am I went through and had a look at my posts from when I was pregnant. I didn't have the net then so only posted when I was at work or at an internet cafe. Anyway thought I would copy and paste them to create a diary.. I couldn't find my 1st posts which I am disappointed about but basically have a record from when I was 12wks, so here goes:

August 27th, 2008, 01:00 PM

Made it to 12 weeks!!

Yay, Iam 12 weeks today.. Can't beleive I have safely made it thru the 1st trimester.. Have my ultrasound tomorrow to make sure they are still both there.. Can't wait to see them and their heart beats!! My pants are starting to get very tight now.. Can't wait to show properly but I just look fat at the moment!!

August 28th 2008

Olis Mum That is so funny what your little one said.. When we told my partners son who will be 4 on Fri that I was having 2 babies he immediately lifted his shirt and informed us he was having 8!! And they were crocodiles spiders dogs cats and geckos!! It was really funny and we got him to eat his dinner that night cos we told him he had to keep strong for all the animals in his tummy.. Its cute he doesn't understand. I am sure he will quickly learn when the arrive!!

Anyway girls have a good day, will let you know how scan goes when I am back at work as I don't have internet at home..

August 29th 2008

My babies are alive and kicking!!

Tonydayl my partner has a 4yr old boy and this is my 1st pregnancy.. I found out I was having twins at my 1st scan when I was 7wks and 6days.. Now I am 12 weeks and had my scan yesterday.. It was truly the most amazing thing I have ever experienced!! I have been PG once about 8yrs ago and lost it very early and am so relieved to have made it to 12wks.. I am due 11th of March. My babies look all healthy with strong heartbeats.. I can't believe how active they are.. Seeing them kick and move was awesome.. Can't wait to feel it.. I think my partner was in a bit of shock.. The reality of seeing 2 in there moving and squirming.. We really could not be happier.. I think now I am past the 12wk mark I will relax and enjoy my growing belly instead of worrying so much..

This is such a great site I am so glad I found it.. Hope all Mums Dads and Bubs are doing well!!

September 1st 2008

Wow scans do vary in price.. I was told I would have to pay for my 12wk NT scan as it is optional.. I paid $135 and got about $60 back from medicare..

Regarding buying prams we haven't been able to find any nice twin prams locally so my Partner bailed up a random chick in the shopping centre who had a really good mountain buggy side by side pram. She told us she got it from GlenHuntley baby carriages in Melb.. They are so much cheaper from there and it is only costing $40 delivery to the Gold Coast which is great.. I think my in laws are buying it which will be a big help.. We will probably be getting most things 2nd hand aside from pram, carseats and of course mattresses and bedding... My Mum who doesn't live near me called me all excited she had been shopping. These bubs are her 1st grandkids and she is very excited, she just wanted that 12 week mark to pass before buying anything..

In regards to finding out the sex I don't want to know if it it 2 of the same but do want to if I have one of each, but everyone is saying we need to as it is so hard to buy stuff.. My instinct is I have 1 of each that would be the best but I am not sure if y patner will let me have anymore then.. I told him I want to go again if I have 2 boys!! At the end of the day I am just so happy they are alive and kicking I really don't care..

Well back to work Have a great day everyone..

September 10th 2008

Hi there everyone,
14weeks today!! Another week has passed.. My pants are SO tight.. At work I sit with them undone it is so uncomfortable.. I still just look fat tho and not properly pregnant..
No movements for me yet.. They are dancing around on my bladder tho I am sure of it..
Well the hospital I am supposed to be going to apparently never recieved my referral so I have to chase that up.. Apparently they like to see you at 16weeks with twins..

Well back to work Catch up soon hope everyone is doing well

September 30th 2008

Hey Meggie I was really sorry to hear what happened.. Thoughts and sympathy with you and your family..

On a Selfishly happy note I heard both my babies hearts beating yesterday nice and strong!! I am 17wks now and getting rather large.. I love having a big belly.. Still can't feel them move yet tho!! Getting very impatient.. Well back to work I HATE MY JOB AND CAN"T WAIT TO GET OUT!! I had yesterday off sick (even tho I wasn't) which is why I had docs app so I could get a certificate.. I didn't even know I would get to hear my bubs so that was a nice surprise..
Well will pop back in later..

October 2nd 2008

Hi there everyone,

I know it's a bit early but I wanted to get everyones thoughts on Baby Showers.. At 1 st I didn't want one as I don't want people to be obliged to buy stuff as it is about celebrating the impending arrival and not about gifts, however my work collegue wants to throw me one.. My question now tho is how do I make people realise it's not about the gifts its about the celebration and do you think because I am having twins people will feel they have to but 2 of everything.. Because I would hate for people to feel obligated.. Also when do I throw one.. My bubs will prob be born in Feb not March as they will be early.. Also I don't want it to be called a Baby Shower is there anything else we can call it on the invitations??

1st ante natal app in Bris next week.. Have so many questions about the birth.. I hope they can give me an idea of when they are going to be born!

25th October 2008

Well hi everyone.. I haven't been on here for so long.. Congratulations to everyone on their healthy boys or girls!! I had my 19 week scan last wed and didn't come out of hospital for 3 days!! Babies are fine, we didn't find out the sex but know they are both the same!! I however was admitted straight to hospital as I have a short cervix.. When the sonographer told me and I asked what it meant she just said it meant I had a chance of going into preterm labour.. She then told me to empty my bladder so she could do an internal scan to measure exactly 'how short' my cervix is. So I wasn't too worried but after the scan she said she couldn't let me go.. Anyway I saw a doctor who basically told me these babies wont last in there if I don't have a stitch put in.. Well I was scared S***tless at the prospect of losing these babies but was very lucky that it was found in the scan and I didn't actually have any labour or contractions.. So 2 days later I got the stitch in and apparently they taped it aswell so now we are aiming to carry to 32 weeks.. I am not allowed to lift anything, do housework or have sex 1 thing I was glad of was I HAD to quit work YAY!! Anyway the babies are fine so long as they stay in there.. My partner and I joke that we had to deadbolt the door of their house so they can't get out!! Has anyone heard of this before, because it was something I was unprepared for and there is not much info on it, but on speaking to people apparently it is quite common.. Anyway, I probably won't be on much these days as I don't have the internet at home and I would mainly post while I was at work, but I will definately keep you posted and keep myself up to date on how you are all going.. Oh and we have names: Taite James and Seth David for boys and Tayte and Maddie for girls.. No girls middle names yet! Girls names aren't set in stone yet but thats what they are at this point.. Well thats it for me til next time! x

October 30th

Hi Girls,

Well yesterday I went to see a midwife at Gold Coast hospital even tho I am having care in the high risk preg unit at Royal Womens in Brissie. I thought I had better get aquainted with them in case I do go into labour and have to deliver at Gold Coast.. Any way she was absolutely lovely and the most helpful midwife I have ever come across.. I spent 2hrs with her and she talked me thru just about every scenario about pre term birth, vaginal delivery c section etc and gave me a tour of the maternity ward and special care nursery and I got to meet a mummy and her bub who was born on Saturday at only 28wks!! It was awful, seeing him so little with a drip in his tiny arm but it was good to see that to kind of prepare me if my bubs are that early.. I booked in for ante natal classes with her in Nov.. You may have remembered in a previous post I was c section all the way and the plan still is that but I have been adv to be prepared as if I go into labour early I could end up having a vaginal as it could progress quite quickly.. Anyway, back up to Royal womens again today ( I too am sick of driving 1hr then paying $16 for parking!) to have another scan, this time to check bubs don't have a congenital heart defect like their mummy. If there is a concern I will then see a pediatric cardiologist to discuss but if everythings ok I come home then go to normal ob app on Monday. Lets hope everything is ok. There is only a 5% chance of me passing it on, and if it has been at least I will be educated and understand it, as I think most of your fear comes from the unknown.. Anyway babbling now... Bye everyone have a great day!

November 7th 2008

Hi Everyone,

Well ultrasound went really well.. Both babies hearts look fine YAY! I am feeling them move so much now and love it.. Big brother Jacob felt a kick the other day. The look on his face was priceless!! Very cute.. He has been so so naughty lately.. Because I have been working full time we have only really had him one weekend a fortnight but now I am not working we are starting to have him more.. Going back up to bris twice next week for my heart.. No baby appontments til week after. I am starting to really feel the strain and weight of 2 babies now.. And the heat.. It is so hot today!! And as my breasts are a massive 14E now (I am so unhappy they are big and awful!!) I can't find a bikini top or any other top for that matter.. Having major clothing issues as I am still quite small every where else its just boobs and belly.. Grr.. Well I am going haver fun all!!

November 10th 2008

Hi all,

I am feeling very sorry for myself.. I am finding being pregnant harder as the weeks go by.. I am big uncomfy and extremely exhausted.. My ob said it is to be expected as I am probably equivalent to a 30wk single pregnancy.. Am starting to feel strain on my heart now.. Getting very breathless.. Going for an echo wednesdayto see how my heart is doing.. I just hope my heart can cope with at least another 9wks.. I will only be 32wks but I am terrified of these babies being early.. I have waited so long and am so scared I wont be able to hold them when they are born.. I am also very emotional.. Anyway thats my little whinge.. Going to look at a pram now. I think its TGA brand a side by side one and the seats can be reversed individually. It is quite compact and fits thru a standard door.. And is cheaper than the mountain buggy we were looking at.. Mountain buggy good but $1045!!! Also quite bulky. This other one is $800 so am going to different baby shops to compare prices. We move in 3wks! I can't wait but oh the expense!! Have a good weeks everyone!

November 29th 2008 (My Mum posted this for me)

BAL is happy to announce the birth of Taite and Seth on 21/11/08 by ceaser after nine days of "false labour". 24wks and 2.Bubs up and down

And on the same day Mum posted this in the Birth announcements section.. Beleive it or not I only just found it!!! Inever knew this was posted!

BAL is happy to announce the birth of Taite and Seth on 21/11/08 at 24 wks. Mum and bubs doing well

December 1st 2008

Hi all.. I got my mum to come on and announce my birth!! Thanks for all your congratulations.. I don't even know when to start.. I was in labour for 9 days.. For 3 days of it I was sent home with dehydration, constipation and a bladder infection! It wasn't until I started to bleed I was admitted to hospital. I was given drugs to try and stop the contractions but nothing worked.. I was in agony for all that time.. Anyway After 8 days they said ok this labour is not going to stop and I was dilated 6cms and they were scared cos bubs were breach their heads might get stuck if my waters were to suddenly break so on the 9th day which was Fri Nov 21 Taite James and Seth David were born.. I got a glimpse of Taite when he came out but Seth got stuck.. I was cut up my uterus to try and get him out.. He was born 4 mins later and I was taken to recovery.. They wanted me to go straight to Coranory care but I was extremely distressed so they let me see Seth finally when he was 3 hrs old but Taite was in a different room where they were doing a sterile procedure and by the time they were finished my docs wouldn't let me see him!! I didn't see him til next day.. Anyway my beautiful babies have given us frights and little Taite has already had minor surgery for a perferated bowel but they are ok.. I am staying in Ronald Macdonald house in Bris.. Next time your at Maccas if you can afford it please spare some change they do such a wonderful job.. I don't have to pay a cent to stay and for my partner to stay its only $10 a night! Unfortunately both my babies have been having seizures and it has been discovered they have bleeding on the brain.. We are speaking with a consultant today to get an idea of what this means for the future.. So far it's looking like Seth could remain unaffected but Taite could have some sort of physical disability on his right side.. I am so so sad for my babies.. I don't want them to fight to stay alive to have a s**t quality of life.. It is so hard.. So lots of research and if anyone has has premature babies like this or know of someone please please let me know.. I had my 1st cuddle with Taite last night. It was so special.. My boys look so perfect I am so in love.. This is so hard!! Thanks for listening.. I couldn't wait to get on here to fill you all in.. Sorry I am being selfish, I haven't even read anyone elses posts! I don't have alot of time but they do have internet at Ronald Mac's house so I should get more time soon.. Hope everyones going well and pray for us!

December 3rd 2008 (EARLY hrs of the morning)

Well after 2 more meetings with doctors and seeing our babies scans we have made the difficult decision to cease ventilation.. They will still continue medication and breathing support but if bubs get too tired to breath on their own they wont resuscitate.. Maybe some of you wont agree with our decision but we feel the choice is clear. The BEST case scenario is both boys will be physically disabled and Taite has a 90% chance of having mental, speech hearing and sight problems and Seth has an above 50% chance.. Although Seth's chance is better than Taite's We want our boys to be together. If 1 or both boys are meant to be and want to fight that is up to them but We can't justify making them fight when they will not have a very good quality of life anyway.. I am devastated and can't sleep. The ventilation will be turned off tomorrow.. Good luck to all of you and I hope nobody you ever know has to go thru this.. I don't know how I am going to get out of bed every day.. This really sux!

December 6th 2008

Thank you all so much for your kind words and undrstanding.. Our beautiful boys passed away Wed 3rd of Dec. Taite in my arms, Seth in Daddys. They took their last breaths within minutes of each other and we lay them together and my god our boys looked so beautiful and at peace.. They looked so happy to be together again.. The day they passed they looked p***d off and tired. Our boys were ready.. 'They entered the world together and perfect and left together and perfect'

Nobody will ever tease them, they will never know hurt or rejection, they will only know love...

I will pop in from time to time Good luck everyone I hav enjoyed being part of this group. xx

It was really so amazing reading this. I felt so many emotions.. Sadness, joy and I laughed.. Well that's all for now.. Just wanted this as another permanent record of my time with my bubs.. *ETA - I was just reading back through the posts and realised I had posted my babies died on the 10th dec.. Shows how much of a daze I was in considering I posted n the 6th and they died on the 3rd.. Their funeral was on the 10th. Exactly a week after.. :( Although i am still in so much grief and hurt, when I read that it makes me realise just how much shock I must have been in.. My posts seem so matter of fact..Makes me realise how far I have come..

:(

2010-04-17T17:24:00.001+10:00

I'm hurting so much.. Nothing else to say :(

Such an unfair world..

2010-04-04T08:32:00.000+10:00

I just read this morning that a lady that was on the parenting forum I am on took her own life. She had 4 losses after 12 weeks. 3 girls and the last baby a boy. The last loss was the last straw. I get it. I get that feeling of pain. I get that all she wanted was to be a mother. I am so sad for this lady and her family. I hope she is in a beautiful place where she can be the mother she always wanted to be to her 4 beautiful angels. RIP Bondi Girl.

Taite and Seth's space..

2010-03-27T13:03:00.000+10:00

Moved house and it was a nightmare.. Was very hard to open the wardrobe that held all the baby clothes of Taite and Seth's that were never worn.. :( I set up their space on our telly cabinet last night. I have never taken a picture of their urn before, or their space, so there it is.. It's a little bit wonky.. I was very tired, and I'm certainly no photographer lol..

Grief sux..

2010-03-22T17:19:00.000+10:00

When the boys first died I read poems and read books all the time trying to make sense of my grief.. Today I was on the forum I belong to and for some reason went into the baby loss section, (which I don't do that often anymore) and there was a mother sharing poems she was to have at her son's funeral. She also asked if we had any poems to share so I went to the poems section of my tribute site to pull out some nice ones and all of a sudden BANG!! I was right back there. I felt the intense heartache and grief that comes with planning your babies funeral.. How much life just sux and how much you can't bear to think past the next minute because it is all too damn hard, and I just felt so sad for this Mama.. And sad for me, because I remember it so easily.. Anyway I was reading some poems and this one in particular struck a chord with me. I mentioned in my last post how I felt about grieving now that so much time had passed and how I don't feel as comfortable openly grieving in front of people now and I realised this poem sums it up perfectly, especially the last part which I have coloured blue...

I lost my child today

I lost my child today.
People came to weep and cry
As I just sat and stared, dry eyed.
They struggled to find words to say
To try and make the pain go away.
I walked the floor in disbelief.

I lost my child today.

I lost my child last month.
Most of the people went away.
Some still call and some still stay.
I wait to wake up from this dream
This can't be real--I want to scream.
Yet everything is locked inside,
God, help me, I want to die.
I lost my child last month.

I lost my child last year.
Now people, who had come, have gone.
I sit and struggle all day long,
to bear the pain so deep inside.
And now my friends just question, Why?
Why does this mother not move on?
Just sits and sings the same old song.
Good heavens, it has been so long.
I lost my child last year. '
Time has not moved on for me.
The numbness it has disappeared.
My eyes have now cried many tears.
I see the look upon your face,
" She must move on and leave this place."
Yet I am trapped right here in time.
The songs the same, as is the rhyme,
I lost my child......Today.

This sums up just how I feel.. Over the last 4 weeks I have been struggling immensely again with my babies deaths.. I think partly it has to do with TAFE.. I am finding it hard, so in the back of my mind there is a little voice saying 'You shouldn't even be here, you should be at home with your LIVING twins'... I also don't feel I can express my grief like I could in the beginning.. It has been so long, surely I can't feel the same pain as I did when it was so raw?? Actually yes I do.. And I hate it..

I have been stressing about an exam we have on Wednesday.. So terrified I will fail, just like I am a reproductive failure. Can't fall pregnant, then when I do, can't stay pregnant.. I have moments where I think, I have failed at the most important thing in my life, why wouldn't I fail this.. But then I put a positive spin on it and think 'You know what, fuck it. If I fail this who gives a shit'. After all, it's not the worst thing that has happened.. If I survived my babies deaths, then I can survive if I fail an exam right?? Well I feel a little better now that is off my chest.. I just want the pain, the hurt, the guilt to stop.. I also thought I would post this.. I found it on a forum and I think it was on Sids and Kids website

This is now what normal is,

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realise someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.
Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or birthday party... yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.
Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.
Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head constantly.
Normal is having TV on the minute you walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.
Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And thinking of the age they would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it because it will never happen.
Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.
Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds.

And yet not realising it has become part of my 'normal'.

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and their birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion.

Happy Birthday? Not really.

Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special my baby loved. Thinking how he would love it, but how he is not here to enjoy it.
Normal is having people afraid to mention my baby.
Normal is making sure others remember them.
Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.
Normal is weeks, months and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.
Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your child is unnatural.

Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it.
Normal is realising I do cry everyday.
Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as cadavers, when you know they were once someone's loved one.
Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child.
Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.
Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in other countries, but yet never having met any of them face to face.
Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.
Normal is being to tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food.
Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have two children or one, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby isn't here on earth.

And yet when you say I have 1 child to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as it you betrayed your baby.
Normal is avoiding playgrounds because of small, happy children that break your heart when you see them.
Normal is people asking why God took your child's life instead of yours and asking if there is a God.
Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.

And last of all, Normal is all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal"

author unknown '

If only....

2010-03-12T08:48:00.000+10:00

I am sad.. Yesterday was the 1st anniversary of my due date.. Due dates, no big deal right? I mean how many babies are actually born on their due date? And as if mine would have been.. I always 'knew' they would be early. Being a twin pregnancy and with my heart condition the signs were there. I didn't anticipate how early though.. Anyway point is if Taite and Seth had been born 'on time' (On time meaning from 36wks on) My life would be very different. My children would be 12 months old, maybe walking, babbling, I would most likely be very busy and stressed, but I would be a lot happier. I would have the reward of watching my beautiful babies grow. I would be nurturing them, giving and recieving unconditional love. How different my life would be now if only my babies had been born 'on time'.

Missing my babies :(

2010-02-22T15:31:00.000+10:00

Over the last week or so I have been really missing my babies and what should have been.. The good old 'Ripped off' feeling comes to mind. I think I have been wanting to distract myself so much that maybe I have been distracting myself too much. This is the 1st day I have been alone all day for ages. I have either been at TAFE or studying, or with friends studying. I think I still need my 'grief' time.. To tell myself thats it is still ok to grieve and be sad, rather than pushing it away because I have had my time grieving.

It still cuts me to the core when conversations come up about pregnancy or children and I don't join in. I sometimes would like to, but I don't want to join in like my babies are alive then have to explain that they aren't.. A conversation about pregnancy or birth for example.. I experienced it, but some people don't know that and its just assumed I don't have children, so I wouldn't want to talk about my experience and have someone say "oh you have children do you? How many" Or "How old are they?" Then for me to just deflate the whole conversation by the awful truth.. I don't want people to think I am saying it for sympathy. It was different in the 1st year as people recognised it was so raw, but now I think that people wouldn't understand and would have expected me to move on.. I don't know why I give a shit about what people think, but I do..

Anyway I am missing my baby boys so so much and wish they were here with me. :(

I started on my herbs from the natropath and have been on them for 10 days.. Will be interesting to see if they work.. Even if they do it wont change the fact that I lost my beautiful first born boys and I will always have a piece of my heart missing..

Dear Taite and Seth,

My baby boys, it has been 15 months since you gave me the most precious gift of being your mother. I wish so desperately that you were still here. I miss you more than I can even try to explain. I miss what should have been. I wish I could have watched you grow, seen you smile and laugh. I would have done my best to be the best mother to you, just like I am doing now. You still make me proud my babies. From the day I found out I was pregnant through to the day you were born and during those precious 12 days they remain the happiest and proudest moments of my life. I will love you and miss you forever, not a day goes by where you are not in my thoughts.

Love Mummy xx

Busy couple of weeks...

2010-02-08T10:12:00.000+10:00

What a busy couple of weeks I have had.. Little J started school and i have started TAFE.. I am glad I am at a TAFE.. It's a great distraction, however everytime I start a new chapter in my life it is always bittersweet. As thrilled as I am to have this opportunity to do Nursing and as much as I enjoy going to TAFE, meeting new people etc, I still get the thought that it's not where I'm meant to be. I am MEANT to be raising my children. Taite and Seth. 15 month old twins that were born premmie, or 11 month old twins born when they were due. Either way I should be up to my elbows in nappies, washing, I should be awake all night getting up to them. I should be going to playgroups, not bereavement support groups, and the list goes on....... At this stage of my grief I am not a crying mess on the floor every day, but I think of them everyday and I miss them every day and the pain is always there.. I miss my babies and would rather have them here, but as they aren't I think I am doing the best that I can to bring positive things in to my life. And I am proud of that.. I so desperately want to be a mother. I am going to see a natropath on Friday.. She is well know as the Baby Maker and has a really high success rate apparently. Something like 90%. So I am hoping that I wont even make it through my 1st semester of nursing without having to defer it.

I would like to post a couple of poems that I got out of the SANDS newsletter this month. I have changed them a bit to suit my situation a bit more.

A baby Wanted (Marion Grimmett)

The loving
my babies so wanted,
born too soon,
My babies dying
What pain,
What loss,
What damage
For What?

Dreaming (Joy Blackburn)

There's a sadness in this living,
There's a pain that has no words,
There's a missing and a longing,
And a sob that can't be heard,
There's a grief that can't be spoken,
There's a wound that one can't see
There's a dreaming and a hoping
When from pain we can be free

Getting left behind..

2010-01-20T07:49:00.000+10:00

I found out a couple of days ago that a couple from the Bonnie Babes support group that I go to are expecting again.. They have been going to Bonnie Babes a month less than me. I am so happy for them, I really am, but there is still that pang of jealousy. I wish it was me.. Actually, I wish I never had to go to Bonnie Babes. I wish Taite and Seth were born healthy and survived.. I miss my babies so much.. It got me to thinking though I wonder if it will make their daughter's birthday/angelversary easier to cope with? I wanted to be pregnant by the time Taite and Seth's birthday came, but on further thinking, I don't think it would matter. Maybe it would give more hope for the future, but there is no way it would take away the pain... A lot of the blogs I have been reading over the past year, now have a subsequent baby or pregnancy. It's hard not to feel left behind.. I am a little bit worried about how I will go at the meetings now. Bonnie Babes was like my safe house.. I really hope I can keep going without it hurting too much. I really don't want it to bother me, but I am scared it might. All I can do is just go and see how I feel. Then deal with those feelings as they happen.

I keep dreaming I am pregnant, and the weirdest dream I had was the other night I dreamed I had triplets! 2 boys and a girl.. But it was like the boys were Taite and Seth.. and although they were in NICU in my dream they were about 1yr old!! Since the boys died I have begged them to come and see me in my dreams.. Maybe they finally are :)

A little blog gripe...

2010-01-13T07:50:00.001+10:00

This morning I had some time to spare.. I have my 7yr Old brother here from NSW playing with little J, before I take them for a swim.. Anyway, I came across a few new blogs this morning and I have 1 gripe. If you haven't been reading these blogs from the beginning, I find sometimes it is hard to get the full story of what happened. I just want to make sure that if someone comes across my blog they are able to find out the full story. I know some people are different but when I first lost the twins I wanted to find a story as similar to mine as possible.. I wanted someone that lost twins due to prematurity. I wanted someone who had made the horrible heartwrenching decision to turn off their babies' life support. Although everyone's experience is always different it can sometimes be so similar and come with similar feelings and especially in the first few months it is good to know you are not completely insane and not a total nut case.. I hope this post made sense.. Anyway just for good measure I will include the link for the boy's memorial site. It has the full story, pictures, and poems. It took me 6 months to complete and was a crucial part of my healing.. I am very proud of it. http://www.taiteandseth.webs.com/

Mother of Angel friends..

2010-01-12T07:28:00.000+10:00

Since I lost the boys I have met a lot of special people online and through Bonnie Babes. Although I wish I never had to meet them under these circumstances, there are 2 ladies in particular that I know will remain friends for life. 1 of these ladies is Debbie from Bonnie Babes. Her thoughtfulness and selflessness blows me away sometimes. She has made me scrapbooks and given me special candles all out of her own time and money, just to honour my son's. Another one of these friends is Kathi Slee, from http://butterfliesandkittens.blogspot.com/ . She and her husband went to a Mother's (and fathers) Of Angels retreat in Melbourne, where they had a candle lighting ceremony and a balloon release. When Kathi got back she e mailed me some photos. She had done a balloon release for Taite and Seth. If you haven't lost a baby you probably wouldn't understand just how significant this is. It is so beautiful to know that someone else is taking the time to think of and honour your babies. So thank you Kathi, the photo's are beautiful.. :) I wish you never had to understand what this meant to me..

Just a bit of a ramble about grief..

2010-01-06T13:30:00.000+10:00

In the morning is when my grief is still the strongest.. Particularly since Jade had gone back to work, Little J is at his Mums, I don't have a job and TAFE hasn't started yet.. I wake up with Jade then after he leaves is when my mind ticks over.. It's always too early for me to get up so I just lay there and think about what should have been.. How I should be a mother to beautiful twin boys, how I shouldn't have even 5 minutes to myself. Then my mind wanders to the NICU stay and their death.. That part of the morning is awful.. I am glad though that I don't feel that grief all day. When I think back, I have come SO far in my grief.. And when I have this horrible feeling in the morning, I have to remind myself that it will pass. I wont feel like this all day like I did at first.. I am looking forward to starting TAFE, to have a distraction again.. Don't get me wrong, I think of Taite and Seth ALL DAY EVERY DAY, it's just not with that awful feeling of sadness and grief.. I don't know how to describe it.. I hate the fact that this is, and will be the rest of my life.. In a way, I hate that I have learnt to live with it. I have no other choice, but it is not fair that I will always be a mother to dead babies..

13 months is not long in a lifetime, but I feel that I can't really speak about the babies or my grief anymore.. The fact that my babies didn't even get mentioned at Xmas really showed me that everyone has moved on.. I thought maybe we might have played Tears in Heaven for them like we did last year.. I guess last year they were so fresh in everyones minds. It's funny that I think of them as much now as I did then.. I don't even know where I am going with this. I guess my point is, although I am learning to live without my babies, it doesn't mean that I think of them any less. I still want to speak about them, I still want them remembered as part of our family.. I don't want them fading away like a distant memory, and that is what I feel is happening..

A mothers Love...

2010-01-04T13:20:00.000+10:00

I found this quote on a memorial site for twin boys Logan and Brody born at 22wks and thought I would share it..

A mother's love persists beyond the grave, stronger than death enduring and everlasting. A mother's love persists. You ARE a mother, even in the physical absence of your children. You are a mother, because a mother's love persists

Probably my last post for 2009..

2009-12-30T20:52:00.000+10:00

Well Christmas came and went.. Jade and I spoke about the twins but they were not mentioned by anyone on Christmas day. Except when we noticed the sky and I said I hope it storms.. Jade's sister asked "For Taite and Seth" to which I replied "Yes".. End of conversation.. Trying not to let it bother me though because apart from that I didn't have a bad day.. Got very drunk and after we came home from the family thing we stayed up all night, and I tortured the neighbours with my VERY loud singing.. On Boxing day we got J and it was a fun day with him.. I really wish my babies were here and I really missed them but I think I got all my bitterness out xmas eve.. Don't have much more to say.. I hope next year I get a job, start studying and fall pregnant.. Until then, I am drinking!!!

Feeling a little better now...

2009-12-24T18:47:00.000+10:00

Well, it is nearly 7pm Christmas eve.. I have poured myself a bacardi and coke and I am a bit more relaxed and feeling a bit better.. I am at home to stay tonight and this is where I want to be.. I feel like in some ways it is my first xmas without the twins.. I think because last year I was still numb and in shock. Also because last year I should have still been pregnant, where as this year I really should have babies.. We do't have Jacob this year. Normally we alternate.. Jacob wakes up and has Santa then the other parent comes to get him around lunchtime.. This year his mother wants him for dinner as well so in stead of just having him for a couple of hours we though it better to just get him 1st thing boxing day.. Jacob will probably be so overwhelmed with all his present anyway, it will be more exciting for him to get presents the next day.. So I am going now to wrap some presents and have a few drinks with the man I love.. I just will add I will be upset if when we see family tomorrow no one mentions them.. I really hope my babies get a mention even though they are not with us, as they are still part of our family..

And so it is...

2009-12-24T14:35:00.000+10:00

Fuckin Christmas Eve.. I have only cried about 5 times today.. I am so bitter and twisted and I really don't want to be.. It is just so fuckin hard when Christmas is for Children and mine are dead!.. I tried to deny it was even Christmas for a while there.. And to tell you the truth I would have been happy to go away where no one knows me and hibernate.. But instead I have to try and put on a brave face AND I DON"T WANNA!!! I should have been buying for Taite and Seth. I should be looking forward to telling them all about Santa. But no, I can't they aren't here and never will be... I can barely remember last Christmas.. I didn't have the internet then.. I wish I did and I had been able to blog.. It would have been interesting to read back on I think.. I feel like it is just as hard this year as it was last year though.. Last year my grief was very fresh.. I didn't know if I would survive every day.. Now I know I will, I have been for over a year now, it's just right at this moment I don't want to.. I want my babies here and I am angry that I am unable to enjoy xmas like I should be.. I hope I wont feel like this forever..

It's like a pimple being popped..

2009-12-22T14:37:00.000+10:00

I remember the day after my first Bonnie Babes support meeting I got a phone call from Deb (who runs it) to see how I was.. She explained that coming to a meeting and speaking about the bubs can sometimes feel like a pimple being popped.. You have all this build up underneath the surface, then it is released and although it is crucial to the healing, it is sometimes a bit raw after... I found this analogy very useful and I guess it can explain why I feel so blah today.. (That and cos I have AF and Xmas is in a few days) Yesterday I met up with Kathi, from http://butterfliesandkittens.blogspot.com/ . Her story is similar to mine.. We both had twins at similar gestation, they both lived for similar amount of time and it happened within a couple of weeks as one another.. Anyway, we had been e mailing for a while and yesterday we met IRL.. It was great to finally meet her (Hi Kathi, if you read this) and we talked for ages. Later last night I felt really emotional and I realised that I hadn't really spoken that in depth about the twins for a long time.. (Everyone had already heard it all before lol) We spoke about labour, delivery and the past year without our babies.. So I think today I am feeling a bit raw. Like the pimple has been popped.... I do have to add though this is in no way a negative thing. I think it is crucial to my healing and I really enjoyed talking about Taite and Seth with someone who really could understand what I was on about.. Thank You Kathi and I would like to catch up again sometime :)

Researching....

2009-12-16T07:29:00.000+10:00

Yesterday I went to my cardiologist at Prince Charles Hospital.. I haven't seen her since before the babies were born/died. Anyway, she asked me what I was using for contraception.. When I told her nothing she was quite concerned and said "You know another pregnancy would be extremely high risk don't you" I said Yes but also questioned her about the fact my heart coped with the pregnancy well and the high risk OB I was under seemed to think the pre term labour was due to twin pregnancy. Although the cardiologist agreed she also said there is a a link to fontan mothers and pre term labour (Fontan was the type of op I had).. So then I went down and had my echo and after she saw the pics from that she said that my left ventricle, which is the one that does most of the work is performing 'fairly'. Not good and not normal.. She advised against pregnancy, but she must have seen the look in my eyes telling her silently to FUCK OFF I AM DOING IT ANYWAY, and said it was my decision ultimately and if I do fall pregnant they would do the best they could, I just needed to know it's a risk.. So all in all, IF I ever do fall pregnant again, I will be looking at having a premmie bub I know doctors aren't always right and there is every reason I could go on to have a healthy bub, it's just hard to hear that what happened with the twins could happen again..

So this morning I have done some research.. So far what I have found for pregnancy in fontan mothers isn't TOO bad.. It's not great, but not bad.. Found 1 case of a mother having modified fontan at 17.. Had healthy baby by emergency C section at 32wks because of threatening cava compression. Then found another study of 33 pregnancies.. 15 were live births average gestation 36.5 wks 5 elective terminations and 13 miscarriages... Follow up on live births, birth mother and baby well 1 infant had ASD.. Interesting.. That study was done in America.. 1993..

The thing that scares the absolute shit out of me is that I have obstetric problems too.. Getting pregnant is hard enough and then IF i do eventually fall pregnant I have to stay pregnant for as long as possible (obviously) but I feel like I have 2 things against me as far as going into pre term labour.. First I have to keep my cervix long and closed.. THEN I have to keep my heart providing the baby with enough oxygen so that it keeps growing and I don't have to deliver because of that.. This post is probably a bit jumbled, I am feeling like crap and trying to put all the information I have recieved into perspective.. I wish I was born a career woman and didn't have this horrible maternal yearning.. :(

1yr ago today :(

2009-12-03T11:23:00.000+10:00

Sometimes I wonder how I got here.. Today I woke up with the feeling of grief so profound and it brought me back to the early days after the twins died and I wondered how the hell I survived.. But I did, and it has gotten better. I don't always have that wave that crashes against you and knocking you to the ground. I still do sometimes, but not that often.
Yesterday I enrolled into Endorsed Enrolled Nursing. I have wanted to be a nurse for a long time, and had even applied to get in about 7yrs ago, not long after I moved up to the Gold Coast.. Needless to say I didn't get in.. I don't cope with failure or rejection very well, so I pushed it to the back of my mind. After the boys died, the thought came back to me. I knew however in my fragile mental state I didn't think I would be able to cope with the pressure of applying through QTAC and sitting the stat test so I decided I would do Aged Care. A nice little 6 month no pressure course and surely this would help me get my foot in the door when I want to eventually apply again. (You know after I have children!!) As luck would have it, this course not only put my foot in the door it opened the door right up and i got direct entry.. There for the taking, if I want, no tests to sit just wait for the letter, pay a deposit and I am in! What an opportunity! I was thinking 'I don't feel ready for this.. 18months full time study and besides what about children??' However as luck would have it, I didn't have time to muck about. Once the letter arrived in the mail I would have to enrol straight away or I will miss out. So here I am.. I am enrolled. A bittersweet decision. As greatful as I am for the opportunity I would much rather have my babies here, but since I don't I have grabbed at the opportunity with both hands and I am terrified.. I am scared of studying and working because I am so shit at time management, but to be honest I am scared of getting to June 2011 and graduating because that will mean I am still not a mother to living children. And that thought TERRIFIES me.. I guess the main thing I am hoping to achieve out of this course is a distraction. A reason to get up and something to think about other that my dead babies and trying to get pregnant again.. What I really hope is this: I start the course and love it, I find out I am pregnant, I am able to defer the course and I will bring home a live healthy baby, then commence studying when I feel ready and by age 32 I will be a nurse And a mother to live babies!! Ahh.. the dreams of a perfect world.. Wish me luck on that one :) This post has gone off on a bit of a tangent, but I think this is what I need to do today; let my mind wander and go wherever its needs to, so I can get through what is the 1st year anniversary of Taite and Seth's death..

Letter to my little Twinnys :)

2009-12-03T10:29:00.000+10:00

Dear Taite and Seth,

Today is 1 year exactly since you left this earth.. I remember so much of that day. I remember you, Taite with that frown on your precious little face. I remember when Meme was holding you for the 1st and last time how you were so comfy, your ventilation got dislodged and you had a brady right there.. I was standing there while nurses rushed, alarms sounded and you were brought back to this cruel world, but it wasn't to be for much longer.. I just needed you to die in my arms.. I needed to hold you alive for the 3rd and last time.. And Seth, you were very quiet that day, but made your presence known by slightly opening both your eyes for the 1st time.. I remember the look of peace on both your little faces as you were leaving this earth.. When Daddy and I layed you together.. In the last year I have felt so many emotions. The hardest emotion is the unknowing.. Not knowing what the hell is the right thing to do but doing what is right at the time.. I have struggled with the decision we made to let you go. Sometimes I think we didn't give you much of a chance to fight. But then I have another overwhelming emotion that tells me that the decision was the right one, because as your mother I am supposed to protect you, therefore my duty has been fulfilled. You fought for 12 days, babies, and, I have protected you from having a life of hurt anger and sorrow. No more fighting.. Our boys, You deserve beauty, peace and happiness. I really hope that wherever you are, my precious son's, you know how desperately you were wanted and how much I miss you and what should have been.

Love Always,

Mummy xxxxx

Christmas Service..

2009-11-30T23:52:00.000+10:00

Yesterday Bonnie babes held a really lovely Christmas service for our Babes that aren't here.. I was so proud.. I read 2 poems at the service!! Only cried a little..:) Jacob was so so cute.. We all had balloons to release, so we wrote names and messages on them.. Jacob had to draw: "Taite, Seth, Daddy, Dabby, Jacob and the cat" lol.. So so cute.. Jacob 'accidentally' released about 5 balloons before the service, then spoke throughout it.. The pure innocence of a child hey.. I love him so much and I really really wish he had his brothers here.. He would have been such a good big brother.. And I would have been such a good Mama.. :) It isn't fair!! :(

Internet stalking again..

2009-11-26T11:40:00.000+10:00

This is why I enrolled into my aged care course.. So I wouldn't be still sitting in my PJ's at nearly midday.. Yep, I have spent almost all morning on the internet (apart from a few minutes when I had a boiled egg for brekky).. I found this website http://www.ourforeverbabies.com/ . I am surprised I had never come across it before.. Anyway it is a forum for parents who obviously have forever babies.. So I have been stalking that forum for a while and I found some really good poems that I hadn't read before. If you would like to read them I have added them to my other website http://www.taiteandseth.webs.com/. If you have been on this blog before you would have noticed I have made some changes, added some photos etc.. It really really breaks my heart that I have been a Mummy for a year, but still only have the same photos to add.. I am feeling really ripped off right now. :(

My new Blogging account!!

2009-11-17T18:17:00.000+10:00

Hi All.. I have started this new blogger to make it a little easier to be found. To tell you the truth I am not much of a blogger, but will blog from time to time. To read my full story about how I got here you can go to the memorial site I first created in Taite and Seth's memory.. It is www.taiteandseth.webs.com On there I have Our story, pictures, poems and a little bit of a blog I have done over the last few months.. I thank everyone in advance for taking the time to look at my site and request for you to sign the guestbook if you wish. :) Til next time...