9 years

9 years... I didn't cry on their birthday, I have forgotton so many little things I never thought I would. There were so many moments that were so emotional, so intense, so indescribable, I thought I'd never forget.... But 9yrs later I have forgotten so many. Those moments are now only connected through grief.... So I am grateful for it's intensity. I'm grateful that grief reflects love... and that will never leave me. I will forever grieve. I am a mum of 3 and my first borns died.
I will never forget the love that I feel for my baby boys...
♡Taite and Seth ♡ (21.11.08 ~3.12.08)
"If love could have saved you, you never would have died"

The above is what I posted to FB... Trouble is, I haven't felt connected to my grief. I feel like it's a protection. The memories aren't so fresh anymore so I feel like to REALLY connect I have to tap into a locked box in my brain... And I haven't had time to do that. Life is busy.

I can feel it in other ways though. I can't sleep and I'm feeling a bit more anxious, hypervigilant and fearful. I feel like until I have a good cry, I wont release my emotions properly. There was a time when I didn't have a choice. The tears would simply fall and were incredibly beyond my control. I don't know what is better. I'm glad I'm not a crying mess. Glad I can work, glad I can function, but I still need to release these very real emotions... Sometime. I see my psychologist Thursday, so maybe it will be then.

I usually go to a support meeting around this time of the year but this year I didn't make the time. We had so much going on. I don't know if it would have helped. I don't know how to grieve this far along.

On the twins birthday this year I went xmas shopping, to the drs... Just normal stuff. I wasn't frightened of being in public in case I broke down. Early on, I avoided seeing other children or babies. I didn't do that at all this year.

We did go out for dinner though and had a cake. Jett blew out the candles and sang Happy Birthday which is always cute.

This morning Jett woke up crying saying he missed Taite and Seth. Strange thing is, I haven't even mentioned their anniversary which was on Sunday, so I'm not sure what that was about. That kid is so smart and in tune.

We still haven't gotten around to see the binary stars I name last year! It depends on the weather, so it's hard to plan. Now it's storm season again we can't. I'm sure we'll get there 1 day.

So we're almost at the end of another year. I wish I blogged more, but it takes time and energy and I don't always want to unlock that box in my brain that holds all my big feelings. It can be too hard to lock away again...

Well, that wraps up another blog post til probably same time next year...

8 years!!

Well another birthday, Christmas,  Easter and Mother's day gone without my babies. Not that they would be babies anymore. 8 years old! The last birthday was the first birthday I didn't do anything.... I can't really remember what I did... Anyway,  I was ok with it. I did name binary stars though. We haven't had a chance to see them yet. I was sent a certificate with the co ordinates, but they sky has to be very clear. Maybe in the next couple of weeks.  Jett would be excited. He knows his brothers are in the stars and speaks of them often.

My grief has changed so much, my life has changed so much, but nothing will change my endless love for my beautiful boys. I wish they were here. I wish I had 3 children here (although I'd probably go mad!!). I ♡ you Taite & Seth. Forever in my heart beautiful babies xx

Happy 7th birthday my babies!

Well, it was the twins birthday on Saturday. As planned I did a butterfly release.... Well tried anyway. I had a company recommended by another baby loss Mama, so I emailed him and had the delivery organised.. So Friday I was out for lunch with my dad who is up from NSW and I got a text message that I'd missed the delivery. Anxiety immediately set in, but I had also warned myself to expect the unexpected and not get my hopes up, so I remained as calm as I could. Later that day I received a text that they were at the local pick up centre, so feeling relieved I went to pick them up.

It was strange picking them up.... It took me back to when I first lost them. I went through pregnancy and labour yet all I get are these butterflies, so I felt a little emotional. Anyway, the next day we went to the chapel as planned. I had a good friend there to take some photos, my Mum, my partner and of course my Earthside Miracle. The plan was I would release the first 2 butterflies and Jett would release the next 2... So with my friend and her camera at the ready, we opened the first box.... The butterflies were dead. If this had happened 5 years ago I probably would have lost my shit totally. Instead, we just all looked at each other and started laughing.. OMG, lucky I didn't get my hopes up too much! I did feel sorry for the butterflies though.. I had stopped doing balloon releases due to the environmental issue and now I'm getting dead butterflies! Yeah not how I'd planned it! So then came the 2nd box... In that box one was alive.. It was really beautiful, it flew out and hung around for a while. My friend got some nice photos, so at least all was not lost. Not as expected, but it was still quite nice. I don't think we'll do it again though... I have another year to come up with some more ideas!

It was a really hot day, so we went back home, drank nice champagne and had a nice swim. A couple of my friends popped around throughout the day and it really was such a beautiful celebration of the day I became a Mummy. That is one thing the that death will never take away. Taite and Seth were my 1st born sons and they made me a Mummy.

Today I crashed and burned a little. Time has gone so fast it's insane. I still struggle with the fact that having babies so prematurely has taken away my choice to have more children, but I am so incredibly grateful I have 1 living miracle. We speak about his brothers often, although he hasn't quite got the meaning yet he will eventually. He sang happy birthday to his brothers and he cuddles Taite and Seth's puppies that they got when they were born. It's nice that Jett cuddles something that did actually touch the twins. The puppies are named Taite and Seth and Jett cuddles them saying, "I'm hugging my brothers" It is so cute!!!

The lead up to their birthday wasn't too emotional. I still worked and functioned like normal... Something that after they first died, I wasn't sure I was ever able to do. I still love and miss them every day though.

Taite James & Seth David, Forever in my heart xxxx

A 6 month anniversary..

I'd been feeling really shitty around the beginning of this month. I put it down to PMS... Then I realised the date.. It was around the 3rd of June. 6 and a half years exactly since my babies died... Funny, how subconsciously dates can affect you. A similar thing happened around March/April (March would have been Taite and Seth's due date).. I hadn't been to a baby loss support meeting in a long time, but I felt the need to go. It was strange. I didn't know why I needed to go, or even if I'd get anything out of it. I went anyway. Driving there I got that nervous feeling I used to always get. Butterflies and a little anxiety. It was a different group as Bonnie Babes doesn't run anymore. I felt excited to tell my story to people who had never heard it before, but still felt apprehensive. I have found it hard to share my story the further time goes on, which seems strange, but it is what it is and I don't know why.

So I went to this meeting. Th woman that ran the meeting was a psychologist. I found that strange as I'd only really ever had peer support. The women that went were both pregnant (I had been told this before I went) and it had been about a year since they lost their babies. It was so strange, hearing the clarity in the way they told their story. Their memories were still so fresh... It is really strange to think about how much I have forgotten. At the time, you never think you will, but you do... 6 years along and some memories have faded... It makes me sad in some ways, but I also recognise that it's part of moving on. It's a protective mechanism. Grief brings me closer to my boys, but I couldn't stay in deep grief forever, so it really is a double edged sword.

So the meeting was god. I'm glad I went, but I haven't been since. I might go this month if I'm not working.

Another wave of grief has hit this month. I think about Taite and Seth every day, it it doesn't really make me sad, as such, they are just part of my life. I can tell when the wave hits though because I can't think of them without feeling sad...

It's still hard to believe sometimes that this is my reality.. I have birthed 3 children, but only have 1 here (Who I'm sooo incredibly grateful for!)

I don't write much anymore. Especially here. Partly due to time, partly due to the fact I don't know what to say. I've been saying the same thing for 6 and a half years now. I read another babyloss blog last night and her words resonated with me.. She pretty much said a similar thing, she doesn't write anymore because she's only repeating herself. "I miss you, I love you" What else is there to say?

I'm planning to do a butterfly release this year for their birthday. I must get my act together though... The time always creeps up on me, but if I want to do this I need to plan ahead!

I had a photo pendant of Taite and Seth, which broke, so I bought something similar. I love it. I love having them close to me in SOME way. The only way I can.

Taite and Seth, Mummy loves you and wishes you were here. I wish I could know who you'd grow up to be. Instead I just hope that you 2 are watching down on your little brother and I and know that you will be forever in our hearts. Mummy loves you.

Taite and Seth's 6th birthday.... How my grief has changed.

November 21st was my twins 6th birthday. It was a nice day. Mum and I took a nice walk around the chapel, then went for a yummy lunch. I picked the kids up from school and day care and we had a swim then did a cake with sparklers. I got a really gorgeous video
of Jett singing Happy birthday.

I didn't cry. I don't speak about them as often as I used to and when I do, it's not with the same intensity. Things have changed. I love them and they are very much a part of the family. Their 'stuff' is around. They're brother knows about them. But yes, there are many layers added to what was once intense grief.. I am now parenting living children, I'm back at work, I'm studying and yes, life is happening. I felt so guilty, so alone. Confused by this change. I feel I don't fit in. I'm not a mother who has ever lost a child, but I'm a mother that is not in the intense early stages of grief either... I don't need to feel guilty, because this is a natural progression, but somehow I do. "You're grief is as deep as your love" I still love them. That will never change, and some days I can be hit by a an unbearable wave of grief, but those days are few and far between now, but does that mean that I love them less? I've read some blogs from parents who have lost babies around the same time and it does make my feelings seem 'normal'. I spoke to a friend who lost her babies over 10 years ago and she said she stopped crying probably around the 6 year mark. I guess it's just strange for me because I have never not cried on their birthday. Anyway, their anniversary is Wednesday, maybe I'll cry then??

Happy 6th Birthday my Angels

Wow, 6 years! I say it every year, but I can't believe it. Time goes so fast, yet can sometimes seem like yesterday. Today I am planning to visit the chapel their funeral was held at. It's so beautiful. Then have a nice lunch with Mum, then in the arvo do a cake, candles and balloons in the afternoon with the kids. Jett still doesn't understand, but I still talk about Taite and Seth all the time.

I wrote a birthday poem for my babies:

My Birthday Boys, up in the stars
6 years old, it's gone so fast
I really wish you were here on Earth
So we could help you celebrate the day of your birth.
Instead I imagine you both with your wings,
up in the stars with lovely things,
having a party with cake and balloons
while your angel friends sing you birthday tunes.
Mummy misses you and wishes you were here
I'd love nothing more than to hold you near
You're both in my heart and thought of every day
but today is special, cos it's your birthday!

I was actually really proud of that poem. I was looking for poems, but couldn't find one that 'fit'. A lot of poems now reflect the deep intense grief that is felt, or more focused on 'babies'. My babies wouldn't be babies anymore. This is really the first year I don't see them as babies like I did. It's strange though because I only knew them as babies, so I guess they always will be.

*TRIGGER WARNING, RAINBOW BABY AND PARENTING CHALLENGES ARE TALKED ABOUT*



It's amazing how grief changes over time. Parenting a living baby is really so exhausting. When Taite and Seth died, before I knew what it was like to actually parent a child 24/7 I put parenthood on a pedestal. I think my expectations were so high. I thought I'd be the perfect mother.... But I'm not. Some days I struggle, I get frustrated, tired and all the *normal* things that come with being a mum. This brings new challenges for me though. I was a mum for 3 years before I brought a baby home, yet I had no idea what it was like.

I feel so guilty. How can I want a break from my beautiful child that is here, yet cry and grieve for the ones that aren't. On hard days, I often find myself thinking that they died because I would have been a crap mum. The guilt, the guilt, does it ever go?

I do my best to parent all of my children. Today I even struggled with whether I should send Jett to day care or not.... I decided to though. I decided that Taite and Seth, although thought of often, they don't get 'time'. Time where it's all about them. I do talk about them still, but this far down the track I don't always mention them when asked how many children I have. Sometimes I even get uncomfortable talking about them, because I don't want to make people uncomfortable. Then I feel guilty for that. Anyway, I guess this is just something I have to live with. It is what it is and I need to go with it.

Anyway, enough of the depressing crap. I am going to get ready and celebrate the day I became a mum! The day 2 very special little boys entered the world and changed my life forever.

Taite and Seth, Mummy loves you so much. I hope where ever you are, you know my love for you will never fade. You will always be my firstborn sons. The day you died I lost a piece of my heart and I'll always miss you. Thank you for choosing me to be your Mummy. 'Some people only dream of Angels, I held 2 in my arms' xxxx

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

Well, I still hate Christmas. Even though Jett's presence and being a family of 4 with my partner and her son makes it better Christmas is still not right. I miss Taite and Seth and have a hole in my heart, no matter how many beautiful people I have in my life. Taite and Seth will always be missing.

I think Christmas will always be a little traumatic, as I clearly remember Christmas 2008, it was 22 days after I lost my firstborn sons. I hated life, I hated Christmas, I hated that the world was still turning and not only turning, but people were HAPPY!!

I hate that Christmas will always be forever tainted. I try not to show it though. Jett and my family don't deserve to have their Christmas spirit dampened but sometimes it's just hard.

Anyway, it's another Christmas gone and another year started without 2 of my babies.... Life goes on..