2 weeks today til...

My babies 3rd birthday.. Wow, I never expected to spend their birthday in the NICU with their baby sibling. I can't believe how fast time has gone, but also how much it can feel like yesterday.

I think with Jett here and so much going on I haven't been able to let my mind think about the twins too much.. I do think of them and miss them everyday still, but I mean the fact that they died right here in the hospital I'm in everyday.. I think if I let my mind go there I would have some sort of breakdown with the stress, grief etc..

I had a dream the other night that I was trying to tell people about taite and Seth and no one would listen. When I woke up, I knew I had to let my mind acknowledge the feelings that were deeply buried. If I was at home right now, without anything else to focus on I would probably be a wreck, but the mind has an amazing coping mechanism..

I am not sure what to do on Taite and Seth's birthday. I wanted to go to Burleigh Hill like I did last year and do a balloon release, but this year I can't.. I feel a bit guilty in a way that this year their birthday isn't about them because it is still all about Jett. I comfort myself by thinking that the twins are looking after their baby brother and they know that I am right where I need to be. Once Jett is home, I will go back to having Taite and Seth time. Monthly support group meetings and proper memorial celebrations for them. I miss my support group meetings, I miss talking about my boys. I do talk about them though, a lot of the nurses that look after Jett were here when the twins were and they all remember us :) I also tell other Mums about them, although I think it makes the other Mums uncomfortable. (I don't tell Mums of bubs under 25wks gestation, because I am I will make the possibility of death more real for them, which I don't want to do)

I miss Taite and Seth so much, I am so proud of my beautiful boys.. They were strong, they were fighters. People seem to forget that I think sometimes..

I love you Taite and Seth, you are never far from my thoughts and always in my heart xx

ETA: I just realised that my other website is working again yay!! Click on the picture of the twins together if you haven't seen my memorial website.

Taite and Seth's website..

I just discovered tonight that the twins memorial site has changed and for some reason some of the links can't be accessed.. I would like to fix it, but don't have the time. If anyone who reads this blog is tricky with websites I would love it if you could contact me because I would like to add links to this blog and combine the sites.. The links in particular that I would like to add are the poems and quotes and our story.. I am upset that I could have directed people to this site and not be able to access these parts..

On another note - I can't believe it is nearly Taite and Seth's 3rd birthday. I think about my beautiful angels all the time..

Thank you Taite and Seth for watching over your baby brother and your Mummy. I love and miss you so much xx

Nearly 3yrs..

I can't believe it's only a couple of months off what would have been Taite and Seth's 3rd birthday.. I hate thinking about what I have missed out on in that time.. Missing my babies so so much.. It's times like this the pain is still just too much to bare and I wish I could go to sleep and wake up from this nightmare.. I am so sorry my body failed you, my gorgeous son's..

Taite and Seth's special place in our home :)

The picture is a little unclear, I think because of the glass doors reflecting light.

Taite and Seth are back at 'home'

We ended up getting the glass diplay cabinet that all their stuff was in at my old house! Their stuff is all together, looking gorgeous, and importantly we have a space that is out of reach of little hands, which although doesn't matter now, it will one day.. I am loving their set up, I'd take a photo but it has mirrored backs so the light reflects and also you can see my reflection. It looks good and I love it when my babies stuff is set up 'just right'..

I miss you Taite and Seth.. You would be so big now and learning new things every day! I wish you were here. xx

Finding the right space for my babies..

So we have moved house and I haven't got a proper cabinet or bookshelf to put my babies memorial stuff and ashes on. I have set up the stuff on a little table and corner unit, and I'm happy with it, it looks good BUT then I realised that behind them is a power point with the cables we run to the TV/DVD player. My 1st thought was, if there was an electrical fault at that power point, their stuff would go 1st in a fire. I can't stand that, I can't stand the thought of losing their stuff forever, even if it is an unlikely event. So they have to be moved and I don't know where. Also I have to get Jade to move them, as i have to stay resting.. Why are these things so hard. I wish i was just setting up clothes and toys in their own rooms, not their ashes and memories :(

Opening old wounds..

Last night i read the journal I kept when Taite and Seth were in NICU.. I shouldn't have. It was really painful to read, but I think it also affected me subconsciously because I woke up this morning feeling like shit. I mean REALLY feeling like shit.. It's amazing to read, what we went through. There are a lot of things I would do differently,if I had another NICU baby, but then again I don't know until I have to face the situation. I'm praying I never have to.

It was strange reading the joy of a new mother in the early days. The joy I felt when their 1st lot of brain scans came back clear. I could feel joy oozing from the page. Unfortunately i felt the same reading the sad parts. I could feel it, and I was back there making that awful decision of whether my son's would live or die. Then the pain of living after their death. I just can't believe that this happened. That it's real. It happened to us. Our son's died at 12 days old.. I wont be exposing myself to the reality of the story again for quite sometime. I think for the moment although of course I know every day that my son's died, I don't feel that raw grief like I did. i just can't go there at this stage of my life.. It's like I'm in some sort of denial..