A Mothers Grief

You ask me how I'm feeling,
but do you really want to know?
he moment I try telling you
You say you have to go

How can I tell you,
what it's been like for me
I am haunted, I am broken
By things that you don't see

You ask me how I'm holding up,
but do you really care?
The moment I start to speak my heart, You start squirming in your chair.

Because I am so lonely,you see,
friends no longer come around,
I'll take the words I want to say And quietly choke them down.

Everyone avoids me now, I guess they don't know what to say
They told me I'll be there for you, then turned and walked away.

Call me if you need me,
that's what everybody said,
But how can I call and screaminto the phone, My God, my child is dead?

No one will let me say the words
I need to say
Why does a mothers grief
scare everyone away?

I am tired of pretending my heart hammers in my chest,
I say things to make you comfortable,but my soul finds no rest.

How can I tell you things
that are too sad to be told,
of the helplessness of holding a child who in your arms grows cold?

Maybe you can tell me,
How should one behave,
who's had to follow their childs casket,watched it perched above a grave?

You cannot imagine what it was like for me that day
to place a final kiss upon that box,
and have to turn and walk away.

If you really love me,
and I believe you do
if you really want to help me,
here is what I need from you.

Sit down beside me
reach out and take my hand,
Say " My friend, I've come to listen,
I want to understand."

Just hold my hand and listen
that's all you need to do,
And if by chance I shed a tear,
it's alright if you do to.

I swear that I'll remember till the day
I'm very old,
the friend who sat and held my hand
and let me bare my soul.

Written by Kelly Cummings

I wish I had found this poem when I lost Taite and Seth. It is so true. However I have been so blessed to have many good friends that I can talk about my babies too. I have bored many of them 1000 times with the same stories. There are a lot of people that get really uncomfortable though. I can't blame them. It's not nice to talk about, but it's frustrating when people think it's too upsetting for them when it didn't happen to them.. At this stage I find I am avoiding stories of miscarriage and loss for my own reasons. I really appreciate the fact I can choose to avoid these stories though now. I am still living my own nightmare of loss though and that will never go away..

The little things..

Last night as I logged off my computer I noticed how beautiful my son's ears were. So little, so cute, so perfect. It's strange how sometimes things like that just catch your eye sometimes. I look at that picture of them together every day and it's the screen saver on my computer, but for some reason last night it was their ears that drew my attention. I miss those ears. I remember one of Seth's ears was squashed from him laying on it.. Very very cute. I miss you Taite and Seth. I wish you were here and we gave you the coolest names EVER!! :)

I wondered when I would be writing this post!

I have no idea who reads this blog but I do know if you have just lost a baby this will be a difficult post to read.. I'm writing about subsequent pregnancy, but I'm hoping this will be the only time I write about it on here. If I ever do write about it, I will put a warning. So here it is. If it's too painful to read about subsequent pregnancy do not read on..............................................



Well, I was wondering if I would ever get to write this post. Taite and Seth are going to be big brothers. Jacob will be a big brother for the 2nd time. I'm 6wks pregnant. We had an U/S yesterday and there is 1 little tiny bub with a flickering heart. Absolute relief.. This is my 3rd pregnancy. 1st one was about 10yrs ago and ended in early M/C, 2nd pregnancy was with Taite and Seth, so now I'm hoping 3rd time lucky. I'm hoping and praying with everything I have I get to bring this baby home..

Finding out about this baby has brought so many emotions. 1st of course excitement! I am so happy to be pregnant again. It also bring worry because, I haven't brought a baby home before. So many things could go wrong. One thing I have on my side is that there is only 1 baby! My chances of carrying further are higher. Another thing is I will be having regular cervical measurements from 12wks. If I need a stitch it will be placed, hopefully earlier than 19wks. I have made an appointment with my cardiologist and had a referral sent to RWHB. They called me to confirm some details and said they would arrange an appointment ASAP. That was a week ago and I still haven't heard anything. I'm trying not to stress but it's hard. Anyway, I have started a pregnancy journal that I may make into a blog later. I didn't want Taite and Seth's space taken up by the new baby. (Who I refer to as 'Button'). I will still blog about my Forever babies. I miss them so much and wish they were here to look after this bub. They will just have to watch over from above. Love you Taite and Seth. Forever in Mummy's heart xxxxxx

Mother's Day..

Has to be one of the worst days invented for Mummy's of Angels.. I woke up alone. Hugged Taite and Seth's bears and cried most of the morning. I should have my babies with me. This should be my 3rd Mothers day where I am happy and smiling. Instead I'm hurting and miserable.. I love and miss my Angels so much. I wanna be woken up with dribbly kisses from my 2 and a half year olds.. Instead, I just think of them.. It's not quite the same..

Just let me sleep...

I am awake at 11pm still. I am normally in bed early unless I am partying! For the last 3 nights I haven't been able to get to sleep til 1am or so. Then I wake feeling like shit.

I am feeling a bit down at the moment, with easter coming up, the the dreaded mother's day.. I just wish I could sleep til it's over and wake up pregnant. I want to be a Mum, but even if I had another baby this pain wouldn't heal.. I just don't know if I can deal with this for the rest of my life.. How can I do it? This will be my 3rd Easter without Taite and Seth and although my grief has improved on a day to day basis, these family holidays and anniversaries are still as hard as they were the 1st year. Only difference is I have an idea of what's coming and I know I have felt it before.. I just hate it. I hate that my son's aren't here with me, and I hate that I am not yet a mother when I should be.. :(

More poems..

I just came across a website with some lovely poems Bears of Hope for pregnancy and infant loss support.. I found 2 gorgeous poems so thought I would post them :)

TWIN ANGELS
Last night two little angels
Came and whispered in my ear.
And this is what they told me
“Don’t worry Mummy, we’re right here.

It feels like a long time
Since we last felt your touch.
And we wanted you to know
We miss you and Daddy very much.

We know that you love us
And think of us every day.
And it makes us very sad
that we had to go away.

But we know that our memory
will never ever die.
And we know that sometimes
When you think of us you cry.

But don’t worry Mummy
There's so much here to do.
And every day remember
We are watching over you.”

Then my angels kissed me
As tears rolled down my face.
And I knew we’ll all be together again
Another time. Another place.
Author unknown.

and this one...

THOUGHTS
I don't need a special day to bring the two of you to mind,
The days I do not think of you are very hard to find.
Each morning when I awake I know that you are gone,
And no one knows the heartache as I try to carry on.
My heart still aches with sadness and secret tears still flow,
What it meant to lose you two no one will ever know.
My thoughts are always with you,
Your places no one can fill.
In life I loved you both dearly,
In death I love you still.

I miss my babies.. "Mummy loves you Taite and Seth xxxx"

Why do due dates still bother me?

At first it was subconsciously. I was emotional, angry, irritable, missing the twins and felt that tugging at my heart that is the longing to be a mother.. Then I realised it is nearing what would have been the twins due date Their due date was March 11th 2009 they were due on this date, and it was 2yrs ago!.. This will be the 3rd of their due dates that I have been through.. I truly have no clue why it effects me so much.. Most bubs aren't even born on their due date!Anyway, today it's just the same story. I'm unhappy, I wish my babies were here,I feel unfulfilled.. Feeling like shit today.. Blah..