I miss you

Taite and Seth, I miss you. I am a mother of 3, not one. I think now that Jett is better I am seeing all I have missed out on. I love you, I wish you were here. xx

My Little Babies.. I miss you.

I have a feeling Taite and Seth have been working very hard to protect their brother.. I like to think of them as his guardian angels :) I have been talking to them a lot about Jett.

I miss my twins so much still. I always think of what could have been. I love to imagine a life where my twins are running around being crazy boys, playing with each other, then imagine what they would be like with Jett once we're home.. I am exposed to twins every day in the hospital.. They are everywhere and I have become friends of some of the parents. It's hard sometimes. I want my twins.. I want to know what it's like to be a mother to twins. I feel sad that they aren't here. I feel sad that I couldn't take them home. I have come a looong way in my grief though. I honestly do think Jett has been part of that healing. The twins are my past and Jett is my future if that makes sense....

Dear Taite and Seth,

Mummy loves you and thinks about you two all the time. I hope you are having fun up there! Thank you so much for being awesome big brothers to Jett and keeping a close watch on him. I wonder if he can see you. He stares at your picture for hours.. I think you have a communication between you. I like to think that anyway.. I love you my babies. No matter what happens you will always be in my heart. I Miss you. xxx

Another year..

I haven't had a lot of time to think about Taite and Seth in a deep sense. I think about them everyday, miss them everyday, but to think deeply about the fact I should have two more children here with me is very hard at the moment. I don't think I have enough mental energy to cope with everything that's happening with Jett AND the grief of my twins as well.. I sometimes feel guilty for not having time for them now their brother is here, I guess I would feel guilt if they were here too. I am looking forward to when I have Jett home and can occasionally have days where I just focus on Taite and Seth and let my grief be whatever it is... I am looking forward to a bonnie babes meeting. Not sure when I'll get to one of those though...

Merry Christmas my sweet angels

My darling Taite and Seth,

Merry Christmas my Angels. Mummy missed you so much. I hate so much that you aren't here for me to spoil at Christmas time. You would have been 3 this Xmas, an age where you really would have enjoyed the magic of Santa. I miss you everyday, but at Xmas I get so sad to be without my firstborn son's. I love you so much and will never stop loving or missing you. When you left a piece of my heart went with you. I hope you had a lovely Xmas, up there in the stars with your many angel friends.

Love always Mummy xxxxl

:(

I miss my babies so so much. They should be here and they're not. Life really fucking sux sometimes. I am so grateful I have another son who brings me so much happiness. I still miss them though.

Taite and Seth, Mummy will never stop loving you or missing you. "There's a hole in my soul that can never be filled, in my heart, you live on, always there, never gone"

Happy 3rd Angelversary my Babies

Dear Taite and Seth,

Wow, it's been 3 years. I can't believe it has been that long since I held you in my arms. I remember it like yesterday, walking into that isolation room, doing your cares 1 last time, watching on as you had a cuddle with your grandparents, then the time came. Daddy held Seth and I held Taite as they removed your ventilation. We lay with you as you took your last breaths and the colour drained from your tiny bodies.

You stopped breathing within about 4 mins of each other. Seth first, then Taite. I remember because you were born within 4 mins of each other. When we were sure all signs of life had gone, we left the room while the doctors took out your lines and declared your time of death.. I don't remember what time it was. Sometime in the early evening. When we came back in the nurses had positioned you beautifully, together, holding hands. You looked so at peace, so glad to be in your new world together. It was the only thing that made the experience bearable, was seeing you wrapped together looking so so peaceful.

We lay together with you for a little while, then we took you for your first big boy baths. We gently bathed and wrapped you, then left you together..

I saw you a couple more times before your cremation. The next day I saw you at the hospital before the funeral home came and took you. You were still laying together, looking like perfect little dolls.

Your funeral was on December 10th at a beautiful little chapel. How I wish I'd had photo's of that day. I didn't know, I didn't think I'd want to remember such a day. I regret that so much. It was a beautiful chapel and a beautiful service. Daddy and I released doves after it. The pictures would have been beautiful.

I don't remember how long after, we got your ashes back. A few days? A week? They were back before xmas. They are in a tiny silver urn with teddy bears. They always sit pride of place, along with your pictures, scrapbooks, candles and other various gifts we have received in your memory over the last 3 years.

The story of your life and death is very short, but the impact you have had on my life will last a lifetime. You have touched many many peoples lives and will continue to do so.

Not a day goes by where I don't wish you were here. I love you so so much my babies. Thank you for choosing me to be your Mother.

Always in my heart,

Love & miss you always, Mummy xxxxxx

Happy 3rd Birthday my gorgeous boys!!!

Wow! 3 years have passed since my firstborn sons were brought into this world. Sometimes it feels like forever, other times like yesterday.

We had a nice day today. Debbie and Jeff from Bonnie babes came up and brought us balloons to release, and make beautiful cupcakes :) Mum, Deb, Jeff and I went to Newfarm park. It was so beautiful and the weather was perfect. We sat down first and had a cuppa and chat then let the balloons go. The balloons always stay together. I like to imagine them playing with their balloons with their many angel friends. I put on my FB status that although I try to imagine my babes as the 3 year olds they would be, they are still my newborn babies that I held in my arms. I wish so much they were still here. I think about them every day. Sometimes I remember their journey so clearly, other times, I think it's too painful to let my mind think about. Their birthday though is always a celebration. It's a happy day for me, the day they were born. I'm so proud Taite and Seth chose me to be their Mama. They brought so much to my life. They made me a Mother.

I love you Taite and Seth, I miss you so much.