Missing being a twin mummy

Having Jett in NICU for so long I came across lots of twins. Twins are special. I stayed with a friend of mine the other week who has twin boys.. They were prem as well and when she was going though her NICU journey I was very detached. It hadn't been that long since I lost the twins and it was before Jett was even a twinkle.. I am now very close to this wonderful Mama so off I went to stay with her. It was strange sometimes, seeing her twins interact made me think of mine.. A lot. I think of them anyway, but I guess seeing the bond between her boys made me realise this is what I am missing out on seeing with mine. It all comes back to what should have been. I should be watching my 3 year old twins play together. I should have 3 children not 1. When answering the question of how many children I have, I wish it wasn't tainted with sadness.. I love you Taite and Seth, I imagine you are here sometimes, I think about what you would look like and how you would play together. I miss you. I wish I had you in my arms. xx

Time..

How fast the time goes. I went through some of Taite and Seth's stuff the other day because I want to find some of their stuff to have in Jett's photo shoot. I feel so far away from my son's. I feel like it was a lifetime ago. I feel a bit detached and I wish I didn't. I don't know why I feel that way. Maybe because I am so busy. maybe the trauma of having 3 premature babies is too much to deal with so I only focus on right now. I am so traumatised. I thought I was ok. I'm not. The trauma of having 3 premature babies is right there doing my head in. Why now? I got my happy ending.. I brought a baby home. I'm grateful. I wanted Taite and Seth too. I wish they were here. I miss them so much.

I miss you

Taite and Seth, I miss you. I am a mother of 3, not one. I think now that Jett is better I am seeing all I have missed out on. I love you, I wish you were here. xx

My Little Babies.. I miss you.

I have a feeling Taite and Seth have been working very hard to protect their brother.. I like to think of them as his guardian angels :) I have been talking to them a lot about Jett.

I miss my twins so much still. I always think of what could have been. I love to imagine a life where my twins are running around being crazy boys, playing with each other, then imagine what they would be like with Jett once we're home.. I am exposed to twins every day in the hospital.. They are everywhere and I have become friends of some of the parents. It's hard sometimes. I want my twins.. I want to know what it's like to be a mother to twins. I feel sad that they aren't here. I feel sad that I couldn't take them home. I have come a looong way in my grief though. I honestly do think Jett has been part of that healing. The twins are my past and Jett is my future if that makes sense....

Dear Taite and Seth,

Mummy loves you and thinks about you two all the time. I hope you are having fun up there! Thank you so much for being awesome big brothers to Jett and keeping a close watch on him. I wonder if he can see you. He stares at your picture for hours.. I think you have a communication between you. I like to think that anyway.. I love you my babies. No matter what happens you will always be in my heart. I Miss you. xxx

Another year..

I haven't had a lot of time to think about Taite and Seth in a deep sense. I think about them everyday, miss them everyday, but to think deeply about the fact I should have two more children here with me is very hard at the moment. I don't think I have enough mental energy to cope with everything that's happening with Jett AND the grief of my twins as well.. I sometimes feel guilty for not having time for them now their brother is here, I guess I would feel guilt if they were here too. I am looking forward to when I have Jett home and can occasionally have days where I just focus on Taite and Seth and let my grief be whatever it is... I am looking forward to a bonnie babes meeting. Not sure when I'll get to one of those though...

Merry Christmas my sweet angels

My darling Taite and Seth,

Merry Christmas my Angels. Mummy missed you so much. I hate so much that you aren't here for me to spoil at Christmas time. You would have been 3 this Xmas, an age where you really would have enjoyed the magic of Santa. I miss you everyday, but at Xmas I get so sad to be without my firstborn son's. I love you so much and will never stop loving or missing you. When you left a piece of my heart went with you. I hope you had a lovely Xmas, up there in the stars with your many angel friends.

Love always Mummy xxxxl

:(

I miss my babies so so much. They should be here and they're not. Life really fucking sux sometimes. I am so grateful I have another son who brings me so much happiness. I still miss them though.

Taite and Seth, Mummy will never stop loving you or missing you. "There's a hole in my soul that can never be filled, in my heart, you live on, always there, never gone"