Sharing my story

So, on my parenting forum, one of the administrators put out a call to members to share a story. So I put my hand up to share my story about loss..

They are going to have something called Member Monday, where each Monday a member shares a story (not particularly about loss) So I got the details and tonight e mailed my story, pretty much the same as what is on my website..

I wonder how it will be received, as a lot of members may have read it, and the ones who haven't may have done so by choice?? I am hoping though that it may help members who may have recently had a loss..

I feel I have a lot to give in telling my story. There was so much to it. It wasn't that I had a baby and it died.. There was the fact I had twins, they were premmie, they survived in NICU for 12 days and the one that I wish I had been able to read IT GIVES AN ACCOUNT OF HOW IT FEELS TO MAKE THE DECISION TO TURN OFF YOUR BABIES LIFE SUPPORT! The hardest decision ever.. To know, that day that your baby is going to die. To know that this is the last hold you are ever going to have while your babies are alive.. That's powerful emotion and I want to share it, because I am sure it is more common than we think, but it is one thing that is not spoken about.. I suffered guilt for months, wondering if I had made the right decision and it was very very hard for me to find someone that related to that.. I hope I can help someone with my story.

I must admit it also has come at a good time for me in my grief as I am feeling very far away from my babies as more time passes.. This may just be my opportunity to remember them and have that closeness with them again through the grief. It also reminds others that I am a Mummy, I have had 2 beautiful son's that have made my world a different place..

I don't know how much sense that post makes but it makes sense to me.. I love and miss my babies so much and I can't believe that they would be almost 2!!

Fathers day...

I am wondering how Jade is feeling today. Wondering if he is thinking about the fact he should be spending today with 3 children not just 1.. I wonder if he even cares that it's fathers day. I know he is not as sentimental as me.. Surely he is thinking of the twins today though.. I hope so. They deserve to be missed. I miss them. I miss them so much.. My life is about to take another positive step, I passed my exams so begin placement in the hospitals this week. It's great, I am proud of myself andd how far I have come, but I miss my babies. I wish I was a mother to my boys, not studying to be a nurse. I still feel ripped off. It was their brothers 6th birthday last week, he had a great party, but the twins were missed by me that day too. I kept thinking how they should have been there and how much fun they would have had. I wish I could see Jacob with his brothers. No words can ever express what I feel.. Saying I miss them isn't enough.. I can't describe how I feel about being a childless mother. The more time that passes, the more I learn to live with it. But it's also longer since I held them and saw them.. I feel like they are further away from me with each day that passes. I found this poem today and thought I would post it although it still doesn't explain how I am feeling as a childless mother.

A thousand tears or more these eyes have cried
and a thousand more lay in wait -
I am bathed with them
and yet my heart is still broken,
and all that is within me aches
with the loss of you, the wanting of you.

There is never a time for this that is right-
never a way that can prepare the heart
for this reft -you have passed through
my arms too soon, like sand flowing through fingers
I could not hold you here, though
I would try.

I know that your spirit flies free
and in the quiet depths of my heart, I can see you still
in the rhythm of the waves upon the shore
in the crisp fall air that fills my chest,
in the iridescent gleam of each dragonfly
skimming the surface between heaven and earth.

I miss my babies

Today a friend of mine was speaking about when her daughter was a baby.. She spoke about breast feeding. That is 1 thing I really wish I got to experience with my babies.. I mean, I am greatful that I got to hold my babies alive, change their nappies. I got to bath them, (even though they had died by then)and they did have my milk but it was through a tube.. :( For months after they died I dreamt about breastfeeding them.. I just wish I got the chance.. Then thinking about missing out on that makes me think of the other things I have and will miss out on for the rest of my life.. Their smiles, crawling, walking, talking, their CUDDLES!!! I just miss them and wish they were here. I love you Taite and Seth, Mummy misses you EVERY DAY!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hmm..

Not much to say. It was my birthday on Friday.. 29 years old.. Last year of my 20's!! I had a good time. But that thought was always there Although I am having a good time, it still should be different, I should have my babies here with me That is a thought that is never going to go away.. Ever! No matter what I am doing.. I miss my babies so much.. I wonder what they would be like now, what they would be doing and just how different my life would be.

I am proud of myself though. I have come a long way and my grief, although is always there and is always strong, it doesn't define me. I could still let it, and sometimes I do, but I really really want to be happy and I am doing my best to take the appropriate actions to do that. I hope my babies are proud of the person I have grown into, and although I hate to admit it, maybe if they hadn't had died, this wouldn't have happened.. Maybe them dying did give me this gift.. Even if it did though I would prefer the gift of motherhood! But I am trying to take control of the things I have control over and let myself be happy..

Things change so much, but 1 thing will always stay the same...

In the last couple of months my life has changed so much.. And I must admit I have been having a lot of fun. I have been socialising a lot, having lots of laughs and it feels great. But one thing that stays the same is the fact that no matter what I am doing, who I am with, whether I am happy or sad I can't help but think My life should be different. I should be a stay at home Mummy to my baby boys. Who knows if Jade and I would have stayed together had the twins survived.. Maybe I would be a stuggling single parent instead of a carefree single girl. Or maybe we would still be together and planning our next baby.. All the what ifs.. What if my babies had survived. One thing I know for sure though is I would give ANYTHING to know the what ifs... I would give anything to have my sons here. Taite and Seth, Mummy misses you every single day and that is one thing that will NEVER change..

ETA: I just found this quote and it rings the truth!

Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed. ~Irene Peter

I want a living baby!

One of the hardest things about my relationship ending is knowing for a fact I have no chance of being pregnant. I want to be a Mum to a living baby so much. I know I'm young, my time will come blah blah blah but I want it now.. I should be a mum to 2 beautiful boys, running around, causing mischief. I wish I wasn't maternal at all.. I really wish the desire would just go away. Sometimes it's bearable, other times the desire is so overwhelming and it is so hard to be patient. Another year til I have finished my nursing and until I'm 30, but I hope by then I will have some sort of plan in place and be closer to my dream of being a mum again..

The conversations to be had....

I have had 2 conversations in the last couple of nights that have made me really think..
Convo 1:
I was at a friends house and she was having a 'make up work shop' She had 3 other ladies there who I had never met.. Fast forward to 1 of them leaving and the host (my friend) walks her out..

Meanwhile I am at the table with 2 other women who know each other.. Convo between them is all about schooling etc then suddenly 1 turns to me and says "What school do your kids go to?" I thought, Fuck am I really old enough to have school kids? Oh shit of course I am!! Then replied the horrid "I don't have kids..." Then quickly went on to say "I did, I had twins, but they were born premmie and only survived for 12 days....... bla bla bla.." Well one of the women turned away horrified and started a new convo with the hosts hubby, but the other lady spoke about it. Asked how I felt talking about them, then looked at pics on my phone etc.. It was nice.. The thing that really struck me was that lady 1 who turned away, didn't have a clue about my babies (and probably never will) but the other lady, not only asked 1st how I felt about speaking about them, but then was happy to speak about them with me.. She had the honour of seeing their pics and knew it was an honour. She thanked me for sharing my story.. Which was nice..

Anyway Convo 2:
A friend I have known for 17yrs called me and I was speaking about my nursing course and she said : "You know, I never thought you would do this" I asked her why, thinking it was due to my total laziness or lack of motivation but her response was : "I thought you would be a Mummy and thats what I thought you would be, for at least the next 10 yrs" And again that slap hit me and I thought yeah, I did too :( But I'm not. I am a nursing student working towards being a Mummy.. And that will have to do for now.. :(