Another year!

Dear Taite and Seth,

Well, Mummy did it! I made it through another year without you.. I wish so much that you were here with me, being cheeky little 2yo ratbags.. I miss you so much, and not a single day goes by where I don't think of your precious little faces.. I wonder what you would have looked like, how your little personalities would shine. I wonder what life would have been like as your Mummy. I hate that you couldn't stay. As each year passes I feel further and further away from you.. I want time to stop.. I want to go back to when you were alive. I have never been so proud in my life. Taite James and Seth David, my little twinnys.. So tiny, so perfect. Thank you for choosing me to be your Mummy. I miss you xx

I wish I could brag about my son's without other people freaking out. I am a mother to the most precious boys in the world. I wish I was acknowledged like that. I don't want to be labelled 'strong' I don't want people to wonder how I get out of bed every day, I just want to be acknowledged as a Mum to beautiful twin boys who were too perfect to stay..

I don't have new photo's to show, I never will. I don't have new stories, but the stories I do have are so special and I am willing to relieve those 24wks of pregnancy and 12 days of being a mummy over and over. I felt many emotions during that time, but I have never been so happy as I was when my twins were alive..

Sharing my story

So, on my parenting forum, one of the administrators put out a call to members to share a story. So I put my hand up to share my story about loss..

They are going to have something called Member Monday, where each Monday a member shares a story (not particularly about loss) So I got the details and tonight e mailed my story, pretty much the same as what is on my website..

I wonder how it will be received, as a lot of members may have read it, and the ones who haven't may have done so by choice?? I am hoping though that it may help members who may have recently had a loss..

I feel I have a lot to give in telling my story. There was so much to it. It wasn't that I had a baby and it died.. There was the fact I had twins, they were premmie, they survived in NICU for 12 days and the one that I wish I had been able to read IT GIVES AN ACCOUNT OF HOW IT FEELS TO MAKE THE DECISION TO TURN OFF YOUR BABIES LIFE SUPPORT! The hardest decision ever.. To know, that day that your baby is going to die. To know that this is the last hold you are ever going to have while your babies are alive.. That's powerful emotion and I want to share it, because I am sure it is more common than we think, but it is one thing that is not spoken about.. I suffered guilt for months, wondering if I had made the right decision and it was very very hard for me to find someone that related to that.. I hope I can help someone with my story.

I must admit it also has come at a good time for me in my grief as I am feeling very far away from my babies as more time passes.. This may just be my opportunity to remember them and have that closeness with them again through the grief. It also reminds others that I am a Mummy, I have had 2 beautiful son's that have made my world a different place..

I don't know how much sense that post makes but it makes sense to me.. I love and miss my babies so much and I can't believe that they would be almost 2!!

Getting left behind..

I found out a couple of days ago that a couple from the Bonnie Babes support group that I go to are expecting again.. They have been going to Bonnie Babes a month less than me. I am so happy for them, I really am, but there is still that pang of jealousy. I wish it was me.. Actually, I wish I never had to go to Bonnie Babes. I wish Taite and Seth were born healthy and survived.. I miss my babies so much.. It got me to thinking though I wonder if it will make their daughter's birthday/angelversary easier to cope with? I wanted to be pregnant by the time Taite and Seth's birthday came, but on further thinking, I don't think it would matter. Maybe it would give more hope for the future, but there is no way it would take away the pain... A lot of the blogs I have been reading over the past year, now have a subsequent baby or pregnancy. It's hard not to feel left behind.. I am a little bit worried about how I will go at the meetings now. Bonnie Babes was like my safe house.. I really hope I can keep going without it hurting too much. I really don't want it to bother me, but I am scared it might. All I can do is just go and see how I feel. Then deal with those feelings as they happen.

I keep dreaming I am pregnant, and the weirdest dream I had was the other night I dreamed I had triplets! 2 boys and a girl.. But it was like the boys were Taite and Seth.. and although they were in NICU in my dream they were about 1yr old!! Since the boys died I have begged them to come and see me in my dreams.. Maybe they finally are :)

1yr ago today :(

Sometimes I wonder how I got here.. Today I woke up with the feeling of grief so profound and it brought me back to the early days after the twins died and I wondered how the hell I survived.. But I did, and it has gotten better. I don't always have that wave that crashes against you and knocking you to the ground. I still do sometimes, but not that often.
Yesterday I enrolled into Endorsed Enrolled Nursing. I have wanted to be a nurse for a long time, and had even applied to get in about 7yrs ago, not long after I moved up to the Gold Coast.. Needless to say I didn't get in.. I don't cope with failure or rejection very well, so I pushed it to the back of my mind. After the boys died, the thought came back to me. I knew however in my fragile mental state I didn't think I would be able to cope with the pressure of applying through QTAC and sitting the stat test so I decided I would do Aged Care. A nice little 6 month no pressure course and surely this would help me get my foot in the door when I want to eventually apply again. (You know after I have children!!) As luck would have it, this course not only put my foot in the door it opened the door right up and i got direct entry.. There for the taking, if I want, no tests to sit just wait for the letter, pay a deposit and I am in! What an opportunity! I was thinking 'I don't feel ready for this.. 18months full time study and besides what about children??' However as luck would have it, I didn't have time to muck about. Once the letter arrived in the mail I would have to enrol straight away or I will miss out. So here I am.. I am enrolled. A bittersweet decision. As greatful as I am for the opportunity I would much rather have my babies here, but since I don't I have grabbed at the opportunity with both hands and I am terrified.. I am scared of studying and working because I am so shit at time management, but to be honest I am scared of getting to June 2011 and graduating because that will mean I am still not a mother to living children. And that thought TERRIFIES me.. I guess the main thing I am hoping to achieve out of this course is a distraction. A reason to get up and something to think about other that my dead babies and trying to get pregnant again.. What I really hope is this: I start the course and love it, I find out I am pregnant, I am able to defer the course and I will bring home a live healthy baby, then commence studying when I feel ready and by age 32 I will be a nurse And a mother to live babies!! Ahh.. the dreams of a perfect world.. Wish me luck on that one :) This post has gone off on a bit of a tangent, but I think this is what I need to do today; let my mind wander and go wherever its needs to, so I can get through what is the 1st year anniversary of Taite and Seth's death..

Letter to my little Twinnys :)

Dear Taite and Seth,

Today is 1 year exactly since you left this earth.. I remember so much of that day. I remember you, Taite with that frown on your precious little face. I remember when Meme was holding you for the 1st and last time how you were so comfy, your ventilation got dislodged and you had a brady right there.. I was standing there while nurses rushed, alarms sounded and you were brought back to this cruel world, but it wasn't to be for much longer.. I just needed you to die in my arms.. I needed to hold you alive for the 3rd and last time.. And Seth, you were very quiet that day, but made your presence known by slightly opening both your eyes for the 1st time.. I remember the look of peace on both your little faces as you were leaving this earth.. When Daddy and I layed you together.. In the last year I have felt so many emotions. The hardest emotion is the unknowing.. Not knowing what the hell is the right thing to do but doing what is right at the time.. I have struggled with the decision we made to let you go. Sometimes I think we didn't give you much of a chance to fight. But then I have another overwhelming emotion that tells me that the decision was the right one, because as your mother I am supposed to protect you, therefore my duty has been fulfilled. You fought for 12 days, babies, and, I have protected you from having a life of hurt anger and sorrow. No more fighting.. Our boys, You deserve beauty, peace and happiness. I really hope that wherever you are, my precious son's, you know how desperately you were wanted and how much I miss you and what should have been.

Love Always,

Mummy xxxxx

Internet stalking again..

This is why I enrolled into my aged care course.. So I wouldn't be still sitting in my PJ's at nearly midday.. Yep, I have spent almost all morning on the internet (apart from a few minutes when I had a boiled egg for brekky).. I found this website http://www.ourforeverbabies.com/ . I am surprised I had never come across it before.. Anyway it is a forum for parents who obviously have forever babies.. So I have been stalking that forum for a while and I found some really good poems that I hadn't read before. If you would like to read them I have added them to my other website http://www.taiteandseth.webs.com/. If you have been on this blog before you would have noticed I have made some changes, added some photos etc.. It really really breaks my heart that I have been a Mummy for a year, but still only have the same photos to add.. I am feeling really ripped off right now. :(

My new Blogging account!!

Hi All.. I have started this new blogger to make it a little easier to be found. To tell you the truth I am not much of a blogger, but will blog from time to time. To read my full story about how I got here you can go to the memorial site I first created in Taite and Seth's memory.. It is www.taiteandseth.webs.com On there I have Our story, pictures, poems and a little bit of a blog I have done over the last few months.. I thank everyone in advance for taking the time to look at my site and request for you to sign the guestbook if you wish. :) Til next time...