Ok.. WOW!! Emotional!

Ok so I just discovered how to retreive all my old posts, or thread subscriptions from the forum I'm on.. So being the glutton for punishment I am I went through and had a look at my posts from when I was pregnant. I didn't have the net then so only posted when I was at work or at an internet cafe. Anyway thought I would copy and paste them to create a diary.. I couldn't find my 1st posts which I am disappointed about but basically have a record from when I was 12wks, so here goes:

August 27th, 2008, 01:00 PM

Made it to 12 weeks!!

Yay, Iam 12 weeks today.. Can't beleive I have safely made it thru the 1st trimester.. Have my ultrasound tomorrow to make sure they are still both there.. Can't wait to see them and their heart beats!! My pants are starting to get very tight now.. Can't wait to show properly but I just look fat at the moment!!

August 28th 2008

Olis Mum That is so funny what your little one said.. When we told my partners son who will be 4 on Fri that I was having 2 babies he immediately lifted his shirt and informed us he was having 8!! And they were crocodiles spiders dogs cats and geckos!! It was really funny and we got him to eat his dinner that night cos we told him he had to keep strong for all the animals in his tummy.. Its cute he doesn't understand. I am sure he will quickly learn when the arrive!!

Anyway girls have a good day, will let you know how scan goes when I am back at work as I don't have internet at home..

August 29th 2008

My babies are alive and kicking!!

Tonydayl my partner has a 4yr old boy and this is my 1st pregnancy.. I found out I was having twins at my 1st scan when I was 7wks and 6days.. Now I am 12 weeks and had my scan yesterday.. It was truly the most amazing thing I have ever experienced!! I have been PG once about 8yrs ago and lost it very early and am so relieved to have made it to 12wks.. I am due 11th of March. My babies look all healthy with strong heartbeats.. I can't believe how active they are.. Seeing them kick and move was awesome.. Can't wait to feel it.. I think my partner was in a bit of shock.. The reality of seeing 2 in there moving and squirming.. We really could not be happier.. I think now I am past the 12wk mark I will relax and enjoy my growing belly instead of worrying so much..

This is such a great site I am so glad I found it.. Hope all Mums Dads and Bubs are doing well!!

September 1st 2008

Wow scans do vary in price.. I was told I would have to pay for my 12wk NT scan as it is optional.. I paid $135 and got about $60 back from medicare..

Regarding buying prams we haven't been able to find any nice twin prams locally so my Partner bailed up a random chick in the shopping centre who had a really good mountain buggy side by side pram. She told us she got it from GlenHuntley baby carriages in Melb.. They are so much cheaper from there and it is only costing $40 delivery to the Gold Coast which is great.. I think my in laws are buying it which will be a big help.. We will probably be getting most things 2nd hand aside from pram, carseats and of course mattresses and bedding... My Mum who doesn't live near me called me all excited she had been shopping. These bubs are her 1st grandkids and she is very excited, she just wanted that 12 week mark to pass before buying anything..

In regards to finding out the sex I don't want to know if it it 2 of the same but do want to if I have one of each, but everyone is saying we need to as it is so hard to buy stuff.. My instinct is I have 1 of each that would be the best but I am not sure if y patner will let me have anymore then.. I told him I want to go again if I have 2 boys!! At the end of the day I am just so happy they are alive and kicking I really don't care..

Well back to work Have a great day everyone..

September 10th 2008

Hi there everyone,
14weeks today!! Another week has passed.. My pants are SO tight.. At work I sit with them undone it is so uncomfortable.. I still just look fat tho and not properly pregnant..
No movements for me yet.. They are dancing around on my bladder tho I am sure of it..
Well the hospital I am supposed to be going to apparently never recieved my referral so I have to chase that up.. Apparently they like to see you at 16weeks with twins..

Well back to work Catch up soon hope everyone is doing well

September 30th 2008

Hey Meggie I was really sorry to hear what happened.. Thoughts and sympathy with you and your family..

On a Selfishly happy note I heard both my babies hearts beating yesterday nice and strong!! I am 17wks now and getting rather large.. I love having a big belly.. Still can't feel them move yet tho!! Getting very impatient.. Well back to work I HATE MY JOB AND CAN"T WAIT TO GET OUT!! I had yesterday off sick (even tho I wasn't) which is why I had docs app so I could get a certificate.. I didn't even know I would get to hear my bubs so that was a nice surprise..
Well will pop back in later..

October 2nd 2008

Hi there everyone,

I know it's a bit early but I wanted to get everyones thoughts on Baby Showers.. At 1 st I didn't want one as I don't want people to be obliged to buy stuff as it is about celebrating the impending arrival and not about gifts, however my work collegue wants to throw me one.. My question now tho is how do I make people realise it's not about the gifts its about the celebration and do you think because I am having twins people will feel they have to but 2 of everything.. Because I would hate for people to feel obligated.. Also when do I throw one.. My bubs will prob be born in Feb not March as they will be early.. Also I don't want it to be called a Baby Shower is there anything else we can call it on the invitations??

1st ante natal app in Bris next week.. Have so many questions about the birth.. I hope they can give me an idea of when they are going to be born!

25th October 2008

Well hi everyone.. I haven't been on here for so long.. Congratulations to everyone on their healthy boys or girls!! I had my 19 week scan last wed and didn't come out of hospital for 3 days!! Babies are fine, we didn't find out the sex but know they are both the same!! I however was admitted straight to hospital as I have a short cervix.. When the sonographer told me and I asked what it meant she just said it meant I had a chance of going into preterm labour.. She then told me to empty my bladder so she could do an internal scan to measure exactly 'how short' my cervix is. So I wasn't too worried but after the scan she said she couldn't let me go.. Anyway I saw a doctor who basically told me these babies wont last in there if I don't have a stitch put in.. Well I was scared S***tless at the prospect of losing these babies but was very lucky that it was found in the scan and I didn't actually have any labour or contractions.. So 2 days later I got the stitch in and apparently they taped it aswell so now we are aiming to carry to 32 weeks.. I am not allowed to lift anything, do housework or have sex 1 thing I was glad of was I HAD to quit work YAY!! Anyway the babies are fine so long as they stay in there.. My partner and I joke that we had to deadbolt the door of their house so they can't get out!! Has anyone heard of this before, because it was something I was unprepared for and there is not much info on it, but on speaking to people apparently it is quite common.. Anyway, I probably won't be on much these days as I don't have the internet at home and I would mainly post while I was at work, but I will definately keep you posted and keep myself up to date on how you are all going.. Oh and we have names: Taite James and Seth David for boys and Tayte and Maddie for girls.. No girls middle names yet! Girls names aren't set in stone yet but thats what they are at this point.. Well thats it for me til next time! x

October 30th

Hi Girls,

Well yesterday I went to see a midwife at Gold Coast hospital even tho I am having care in the high risk preg unit at Royal Womens in Brissie. I thought I had better get aquainted with them in case I do go into labour and have to deliver at Gold Coast.. Any way she was absolutely lovely and the most helpful midwife I have ever come across.. I spent 2hrs with her and she talked me thru just about every scenario about pre term birth, vaginal delivery c section etc and gave me a tour of the maternity ward and special care nursery and I got to meet a mummy and her bub who was born on Saturday at only 28wks!! It was awful, seeing him so little with a drip in his tiny arm but it was good to see that to kind of prepare me if my bubs are that early.. I booked in for ante natal classes with her in Nov.. You may have remembered in a previous post I was c section all the way and the plan still is that but I have been adv to be prepared as if I go into labour early I could end up having a vaginal as it could progress quite quickly.. Anyway, back up to Royal womens again today ( I too am sick of driving 1hr then paying $16 for parking!) to have another scan, this time to check bubs don't have a congenital heart defect like their mummy. If there is a concern I will then see a pediatric cardiologist to discuss but if everythings ok I come home then go to normal ob app on Monday. Lets hope everything is ok. There is only a 5% chance of me passing it on, and if it has been at least I will be educated and understand it, as I think most of your fear comes from the unknown.. Anyway babbling now... Bye everyone have a great day!

November 7th 2008

Hi Everyone,

Well ultrasound went really well.. Both babies hearts look fine YAY! I am feeling them move so much now and love it.. Big brother Jacob felt a kick the other day. The look on his face was priceless!! Very cute.. He has been so so naughty lately.. Because I have been working full time we have only really had him one weekend a fortnight but now I am not working we are starting to have him more.. Going back up to bris twice next week for my heart.. No baby appontments til week after. I am starting to really feel the strain and weight of 2 babies now.. And the heat.. It is so hot today!! And as my breasts are a massive 14E now (I am so unhappy they are big and awful!!) I can't find a bikini top or any other top for that matter.. Having major clothing issues as I am still quite small every where else its just boobs and belly.. Grr.. Well I am going haver fun all!!

November 10th 2008

Hi all,

I am feeling very sorry for myself.. I am finding being pregnant harder as the weeks go by.. I am big uncomfy and extremely exhausted.. My ob said it is to be expected as I am probably equivalent to a 30wk single pregnancy.. Am starting to feel strain on my heart now.. Getting very breathless.. Going for an echo wednesdayto see how my heart is doing.. I just hope my heart can cope with at least another 9wks.. I will only be 32wks but I am terrified of these babies being early.. I have waited so long and am so scared I wont be able to hold them when they are born.. I am also very emotional.. Anyway thats my little whinge.. Going to look at a pram now. I think its TGA brand a side by side one and the seats can be reversed individually. It is quite compact and fits thru a standard door.. And is cheaper than the mountain buggy we were looking at.. Mountain buggy good but $1045!!! Also quite bulky. This other one is $800 so am going to different baby shops to compare prices. We move in 3wks! I can't wait but oh the expense!! Have a good weeks everyone!

November 29th 2008 (My Mum posted this for me)

BAL is happy to announce the birth of Taite and Seth on 21/11/08 by ceaser after nine days of "false labour". 24wks and 2.Bubs up and down

And on the same day Mum posted this in the Birth announcements section.. Beleive it or not I only just found it!!! Inever knew this was posted!

BAL is happy to announce the birth of Taite and Seth on 21/11/08 at 24 wks. Mum and bubs doing well

December 1st 2008

Hi all.. I got my mum to come on and announce my birth!! Thanks for all your congratulations.. I don't even know when to start.. I was in labour for 9 days.. For 3 days of it I was sent home with dehydration, constipation and a bladder infection! It wasn't until I started to bleed I was admitted to hospital. I was given drugs to try and stop the contractions but nothing worked.. I was in agony for all that time.. Anyway After 8 days they said ok this labour is not going to stop and I was dilated 6cms and they were scared cos bubs were breach their heads might get stuck if my waters were to suddenly break so on the 9th day which was Fri Nov 21 Taite James and Seth David were born.. I got a glimpse of Taite when he came out but Seth got stuck.. I was cut up my uterus to try and get him out.. He was born 4 mins later and I was taken to recovery.. They wanted me to go straight to Coranory care but I was extremely distressed so they let me see Seth finally when he was 3 hrs old but Taite was in a different room where they were doing a sterile procedure and by the time they were finished my docs wouldn't let me see him!! I didn't see him til next day.. Anyway my beautiful babies have given us frights and little Taite has already had minor surgery for a perferated bowel but they are ok.. I am staying in Ronald Macdonald house in Bris.. Next time your at Maccas if you can afford it please spare some change they do such a wonderful job.. I don't have to pay a cent to stay and for my partner to stay its only $10 a night! Unfortunately both my babies have been having seizures and it has been discovered they have bleeding on the brain.. We are speaking with a consultant today to get an idea of what this means for the future.. So far it's looking like Seth could remain unaffected but Taite could have some sort of physical disability on his right side.. I am so so sad for my babies.. I don't want them to fight to stay alive to have a s**t quality of life.. It is so hard.. So lots of research and if anyone has has premature babies like this or know of someone please please let me know.. I had my 1st cuddle with Taite last night. It was so special.. My boys look so perfect I am so in love.. This is so hard!! Thanks for listening.. I couldn't wait to get on here to fill you all in.. Sorry I am being selfish, I haven't even read anyone elses posts! I don't have alot of time but they do have internet at Ronald Mac's house so I should get more time soon.. Hope everyones going well and pray for us!

December 3rd 2008 (EARLY hrs of the morning)

Well after 2 more meetings with doctors and seeing our babies scans we have made the difficult decision to cease ventilation.. They will still continue medication and breathing support but if bubs get too tired to breath on their own they wont resuscitate.. Maybe some of you wont agree with our decision but we feel the choice is clear. The BEST case scenario is both boys will be physically disabled and Taite has a 90% chance of having mental, speech hearing and sight problems and Seth has an above 50% chance.. Although Seth's chance is better than Taite's We want our boys to be together. If 1 or both boys are meant to be and want to fight that is up to them but We can't justify making them fight when they will not have a very good quality of life anyway.. I am devastated and can't sleep. The ventilation will be turned off tomorrow.. Good luck to all of you and I hope nobody you ever know has to go thru this.. I don't know how I am going to get out of bed every day.. This really sux!

December 6th 2008

Thank you all so much for your kind words and undrstanding.. Our beautiful boys passed away Wed 3rd of Dec. Taite in my arms, Seth in Daddys. They took their last breaths within minutes of each other and we lay them together and my god our boys looked so beautiful and at peace.. They looked so happy to be together again.. The day they passed they looked p***d off and tired. Our boys were ready.. 'They entered the world together and perfect and left together and perfect'

Nobody will ever tease them, they will never know hurt or rejection, they will only know love...

I will pop in from time to time Good luck everyone I hav enjoyed being part of this group. xx

It was really so amazing reading this. I felt so many emotions.. Sadness, joy and I laughed.. Well that's all for now.. Just wanted this as another permanent record of my time with my bubs.. *ETA - I was just reading back through the posts and realised I had posted my babies died on the 10th dec.. Shows how much of a daze I was in considering I posted n the 6th and they died on the 3rd.. Their funeral was on the 10th. Exactly a week after.. :( Although i am still in so much grief and hurt, when I read that it makes me realise just how much shock I must have been in.. My posts seem so matter of fact..Makes me realise how far I have come..

1yr ago today :(

Sometimes I wonder how I got here.. Today I woke up with the feeling of grief so profound and it brought me back to the early days after the twins died and I wondered how the hell I survived.. But I did, and it has gotten better. I don't always have that wave that crashes against you and knocking you to the ground. I still do sometimes, but not that often.
Yesterday I enrolled into Endorsed Enrolled Nursing. I have wanted to be a nurse for a long time, and had even applied to get in about 7yrs ago, not long after I moved up to the Gold Coast.. Needless to say I didn't get in.. I don't cope with failure or rejection very well, so I pushed it to the back of my mind. After the boys died, the thought came back to me. I knew however in my fragile mental state I didn't think I would be able to cope with the pressure of applying through QTAC and sitting the stat test so I decided I would do Aged Care. A nice little 6 month no pressure course and surely this would help me get my foot in the door when I want to eventually apply again. (You know after I have children!!) As luck would have it, this course not only put my foot in the door it opened the door right up and i got direct entry.. There for the taking, if I want, no tests to sit just wait for the letter, pay a deposit and I am in! What an opportunity! I was thinking 'I don't feel ready for this.. 18months full time study and besides what about children??' However as luck would have it, I didn't have time to muck about. Once the letter arrived in the mail I would have to enrol straight away or I will miss out. So here I am.. I am enrolled. A bittersweet decision. As greatful as I am for the opportunity I would much rather have my babies here, but since I don't I have grabbed at the opportunity with both hands and I am terrified.. I am scared of studying and working because I am so shit at time management, but to be honest I am scared of getting to June 2011 and graduating because that will mean I am still not a mother to living children. And that thought TERRIFIES me.. I guess the main thing I am hoping to achieve out of this course is a distraction. A reason to get up and something to think about other that my dead babies and trying to get pregnant again.. What I really hope is this: I start the course and love it, I find out I am pregnant, I am able to defer the course and I will bring home a live healthy baby, then commence studying when I feel ready and by age 32 I will be a nurse And a mother to live babies!! Ahh.. the dreams of a perfect world.. Wish me luck on that one :) This post has gone off on a bit of a tangent, but I think this is what I need to do today; let my mind wander and go wherever its needs to, so I can get through what is the 1st year anniversary of Taite and Seth's death..

Letter to my little Twinnys :)

Dear Taite and Seth,

Today is 1 year exactly since you left this earth.. I remember so much of that day. I remember you, Taite with that frown on your precious little face. I remember when Meme was holding you for the 1st and last time how you were so comfy, your ventilation got dislodged and you had a brady right there.. I was standing there while nurses rushed, alarms sounded and you were brought back to this cruel world, but it wasn't to be for much longer.. I just needed you to die in my arms.. I needed to hold you alive for the 3rd and last time.. And Seth, you were very quiet that day, but made your presence known by slightly opening both your eyes for the 1st time.. I remember the look of peace on both your little faces as you were leaving this earth.. When Daddy and I layed you together.. In the last year I have felt so many emotions. The hardest emotion is the unknowing.. Not knowing what the hell is the right thing to do but doing what is right at the time.. I have struggled with the decision we made to let you go. Sometimes I think we didn't give you much of a chance to fight. But then I have another overwhelming emotion that tells me that the decision was the right one, because as your mother I am supposed to protect you, therefore my duty has been fulfilled. You fought for 12 days, babies, and, I have protected you from having a life of hurt anger and sorrow. No more fighting.. Our boys, You deserve beauty, peace and happiness. I really hope that wherever you are, my precious son's, you know how desperately you were wanted and how much I miss you and what should have been.

Love Always,

Mummy xxxxx