Working through the trauma..

Subsequent pregnancy briefly mentioned...

So this pregnancy has triggered lots and lots of memories, that although I remembered, they weren't something I consciously thought about for quite some time. I hoped that this blog would remain about Taite and Seth alone, but I am finding that impossible because as most of the pain I'm feeling, apart from just missing my babies, is actually triggered by this pregnancy. This far down the track when I think of my babies I think of what they brought to my life and I think of what could have been, however most of the trauma of the pregnancy, birth & neo natal time before they actually died had not been in the fore front of my mind..

Anyway, I have been back to the hospital a few times now which was hard. I had a suture put in on the 15th and today I had to tell a mid wife my full obstetric history. I'm just feeling a little drained I think. I have been wanting to post for a while, but I just don't have the energy. Maybe I'll come back when I feel I have more to say.

Another childless xmas

So, I have been in denial that Christmas will actually come.. But it didn't work and it's almost here. Before 2008 I had started to dislike Christmas because I wanted a baby to share Christmas with. I managed to stay in the Christmas spirit though and dream of the day i would finally have my Christmas miracle.. When I fell pregnant I was so happy that at Christmas time I would be pregnant, and that it would be my last Christmas childless.. When I went into premature labour, wow! I was a Mum by Christmas.. Then they died. Christmas 2008 I was still in shock. They only died 3wks before. Merry fucking Christmas.. Now I am the Christmas grinch. I have lost all spirit. I wish Christmas would fuck off. It is a sad time for me. Not only am I childless at Christmas, but I shouldn't be! I had babies, I was so close. I don't want to see another Christmas childless and not pregnant. It isn't fair. I wish so much I was dressing my 2yr old twins in matching outfits and getting their santa photos. I wish that I had spent way too much money on way too much crap just to see their little faces light up on Christmas morning. I wish when I saw the Christmas lights in Toowoomba I could have enjoyed them, instead of the whole event being tinged with sadness, because all I could think about was how much my babes would have loved it if they were here. I wish i could hibernate until January, but I can't so i'll just get drunk instead. Like I have done every other year!

Getting left behind..

I found out a couple of days ago that a couple from the Bonnie Babes support group that I go to are expecting again.. They have been going to Bonnie Babes a month less than me. I am so happy for them, I really am, but there is still that pang of jealousy. I wish it was me.. Actually, I wish I never had to go to Bonnie Babes. I wish Taite and Seth were born healthy and survived.. I miss my babies so much.. It got me to thinking though I wonder if it will make their daughter's birthday/angelversary easier to cope with? I wanted to be pregnant by the time Taite and Seth's birthday came, but on further thinking, I don't think it would matter. Maybe it would give more hope for the future, but there is no way it would take away the pain... A lot of the blogs I have been reading over the past year, now have a subsequent baby or pregnancy. It's hard not to feel left behind.. I am a little bit worried about how I will go at the meetings now. Bonnie Babes was like my safe house.. I really hope I can keep going without it hurting too much. I really don't want it to bother me, but I am scared it might. All I can do is just go and see how I feel. Then deal with those feelings as they happen.

I keep dreaming I am pregnant, and the weirdest dream I had was the other night I dreamed I had triplets! 2 boys and a girl.. But it was like the boys were Taite and Seth.. and although they were in NICU in my dream they were about 1yr old!! Since the boys died I have begged them to come and see me in my dreams.. Maybe they finally are :)

A little blog gripe...

This morning I had some time to spare.. I have my 7yr Old brother here from NSW playing with little J, before I take them for a swim.. Anyway, I came across a few new blogs this morning and I have 1 gripe. If you haven't been reading these blogs from the beginning, I find sometimes it is hard to get the full story of what happened. I just want to make sure that if someone comes across my blog they are able to find out the full story. I know some people are different but when I first lost the twins I wanted to find a story as similar to mine as possible.. I wanted someone that lost twins due to prematurity. I wanted someone who had made the horrible heartwrenching decision to turn off their babies' life support. Although everyone's experience is always different it can sometimes be so similar and come with similar feelings and especially in the first few months it is good to know you are not completely insane and not a total nut case.. I hope this post made sense.. Anyway just for good measure I will include the link for the boy's memorial site. It has the full story, pictures, and poems. It took me 6 months to complete and was a crucial part of my healing.. I am very proud of it. http://www.taiteandseth.webs.com/