I got to do a bit of a Mummy brag on the w'end :)

On the weekend I went back to my hometown for a friends birthday party.. While I was there I caught up with my Mummy (Yay!) and many other people.. Some people I hadn't seen for 10yrs or more. Some people that knew I was a Mummy, ssome people that didn't.. Either way, I got to tell people about my beautiful boys to people that actually hadn't heard it before! I feel that EVERYONE knows about the twins, and because there's no new experrience or pics to show, I'm just telling people the same story, over and over.. It was nice to have a bit of a Mummy brag and to have people look at my pictures and tell me how beautiful my son's were.. I chose carefully who I showed the pics to because I knew I would get upset if I could see they were uncomfortable..

I only had 1 bad experience.. 1 person (a male) saw me and asked if I had kids yet.. I thought he may have known but obviously he didn't, anyway, I said Yeah I did have twins 2yrs ago, but they were premmie and died.. He said "Oh well, 2yrs, you'd be over it by now wouldn't you"
I laughed and said sarcastically "Yeah, it only takes 2 yrs to get over when your kids die" He said "Oh well, you know what I mean, you're alright" I just nodded and said dryly "Yeah, I'm alright" and changed the subject.. I was pretty proud of myself, if something like that had been said a year ago I probably would have thrown my champagne in his face and abused him! Lol Now at least I can laugh at his utter ignorance!

I also find it amusing that because I went through this traumatic experience of losing my children, people ask if I am going to try again.. Some are shocked when I say yes without a doubt.. Of course I'm scared, but I want to be a Mum.. Nothing will change that for me.. Maybe it does for some though....

Anyway, apart from that ignorant comment, Yay for my Mummy brag, but I also found it was a trigger in other ways. I saw a girl there, a daughter of someone at the party. Last time I saw her she was literally a child.. Now she is 22 with 3 kids! It kind of made me sad that I was my age and still childless.. My babies should have come on this holiday with me.. When I was on the plane I kept visualising what it would have been like, taking my 2yr old twins down to meet people they had never seen before. I wished they were here to show off.. But they aren't so I just thought about them, and talked about them lots instead..

All in all I had a great weekend. Things are going pretty well at the moment, I still get sad (of course) and I hate TAFE, but I am feeling ok about my life, which is always a good feeling :)

Today...

Today I was up at 5am.. Today it occured to me that I didn't think about the fact my chilren died until 9.40am.. It was 4 and a half hours from waking until I consciously thought about them..Wow! I don't know how I feel about that.. As you may know from previous posts as time goes on I am feeling further and further away from them.. I don't want to be in the depths of grief, but I don't want to forget them.. Memories are all I have. I'm scared.. What if I get to a point where I go a day without thinking of my Son's.. I don't want that.. Remembering, not remembering, it all sux because they died and I shouldn't be in this position.. I am not sure what to feel about what occured to me today..

Just wanted to post

I love you Taite and Seth and I miss you so much. I wish things were different.

Another year!

Dear Taite and Seth,

Well, Mummy did it! I made it through another year without you.. I wish so much that you were here with me, being cheeky little 2yo ratbags.. I miss you so much, and not a single day goes by where I don't think of your precious little faces.. I wonder what you would have looked like, how your little personalities would shine. I wonder what life would have been like as your Mummy. I hate that you couldn't stay. As each year passes I feel further and further away from you.. I want time to stop.. I want to go back to when you were alive. I have never been so proud in my life. Taite James and Seth David, my little twinnys.. So tiny, so perfect. Thank you for choosing me to be your Mummy. I miss you xx

I wish I could brag about my son's without other people freaking out. I am a mother to the most precious boys in the world. I wish I was acknowledged like that. I don't want to be labelled 'strong' I don't want people to wonder how I get out of bed every day, I just want to be acknowledged as a Mum to beautiful twin boys who were too perfect to stay..

I don't have new photo's to show, I never will. I don't have new stories, but the stories I do have are so special and I am willing to relieve those 24wks of pregnancy and 12 days of being a mummy over and over. I felt many emotions during that time, but I have never been so happy as I was when my twins were alive..

Another childless xmas

So, I have been in denial that Christmas will actually come.. But it didn't work and it's almost here. Before 2008 I had started to dislike Christmas because I wanted a baby to share Christmas with. I managed to stay in the Christmas spirit though and dream of the day i would finally have my Christmas miracle.. When I fell pregnant I was so happy that at Christmas time I would be pregnant, and that it would be my last Christmas childless.. When I went into premature labour, wow! I was a Mum by Christmas.. Then they died. Christmas 2008 I was still in shock. They only died 3wks before. Merry fucking Christmas.. Now I am the Christmas grinch. I have lost all spirit. I wish Christmas would fuck off. It is a sad time for me. Not only am I childless at Christmas, but I shouldn't be! I had babies, I was so close. I don't want to see another Christmas childless and not pregnant. It isn't fair. I wish so much I was dressing my 2yr old twins in matching outfits and getting their santa photos. I wish that I had spent way too much money on way too much crap just to see their little faces light up on Christmas morning. I wish when I saw the Christmas lights in Toowoomba I could have enjoyed them, instead of the whole event being tinged with sadness, because all I could think about was how much my babes would have loved it if they were here. I wish i could hibernate until January, but I can't so i'll just get drunk instead. Like I have done every other year!

Take me away from here...

The land of grieving, that is.. I can't cope anymore, it's too hard. I will start the post by backtracking to Taite and Seth's birthday. I had a lovely day and after the balloon release friends of mine had put on a little 'party' for the twins.. Birthday cake and all.. It was really sweet, and a really nice way to celebrate the most important day of my life.. The twins birthday really is a day for celebration. I will never have that day again. The way I felt seeing my 1st born sons. Those babies, although they aren't here made me a Mummy and I love them so much. Above are pictures of the day.. The balloon release (although once the balloons were let go you can barely see them it was so windy) And the gifts I got. T & S as well as the baubles were given to me on that day, but the candle holders which I have the baubles sitting in were given to me a few days before by a friend I met on my parenting forum.. I was touched to recieve each and every one of these gifts.

It was Tuesday night I came crashing down and pretty much couldn't be awake without feeling in physical pain. I think of the boys every day, but it has been a long time since I have felt like this.. It was too painful to stay awake so I didn't. I just slept for almost 2 days. And when I was awake I cried.. Yesterday I felt a bit better, even managed to get an assignment done and function the way a normal person does.. This morning I am somewhere in between.. I woke up crying and have no energy.. I just want this pain to go away.. I wish this wasn't my life. Last night I dreamt I lost 3 more babies. All boys, and I got them cremated and added the ashes to Taite and seth's urn. No wonder I woke up crying.. I just wish I could rewind back 2yrs ago, before i found out about the brain bleeding. When they looked like they would make it.. I want to touch them, see them and sing to them again. I want my babies to be a live and not dead. I want this pain to go away. I don't know what I have done to deserve this, or what they did to suffer through their 12 days.. I would have been a good mother. I did everything right in my pregnancy, those babies were so loved and wanted I feel so ripped off, but in another way I am so blessed I got to meet them and spend 12 days with them.. I love you Taite and Seth, please send your Mummy some strength to get through another day without you. xx

21st November 2010 - Happy 2nd Birthday Taite and Seth..

I feel ripped off that it is my son's 2nd birthday and there is no cake, no party, no squeals of delight, no tired temper tantrums at the end of a big day. Just me, alone with my thoughts and memorys and a couple of helium filled balloons.

To my little Twinnys,

I can't believe it has been 2yrs since the the day I became a mum to 24wk twin boys. Thank you for choosing me to be your Mama, I just wish you could have stayed longer.. Taite and Seth, you were so loved, so wanted before you were even concieved. I am so proud to be your mother I will treasure every precious memory of every moment spent with you in those 12 days. I miss you so much and I so desperately wish you were here with me. I wish things were different. I wish I was watching you giggle with excitement as you rip the wrapping off your presents. Instead my darlings, I will be going to a quiet place and I will let go of some balloons and think of every minute that I was lucky enough to have you in my life.. I love you my angels, Happy 2nd Birthday, Mummy is sending my love to you, wherever you are.. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx