A bit of de briefing (a bit confronting)

Well, this post is a bit strange. I am about to post parts of my various responses in a forum discussion about whether babies should be resuscitated from 20wks.. It was stemmed by Poppi's Rule, a FB group campaigning to have this happen. It's funny how ok I feel at the moment, but how some things trigger such deep emotions. So here are some of my posts: (Some of them aren't full posts I just posted what is relevant to me and I didn't quote anyone else..)

I joined it.. My babies were JUST viable.. When I went into labour I was only 23wks (by date of 1st U/S) and my local hospital said I was not at the point of viability and were going to let me birth.. It was horrid to be told that just because of a 'date' my children weren't going to be given the chance to survive.. Luckily for me, I was under the care of another hospital and I was transferred up there and I stayed in labour til over 24wks.. So we got to choose whether the babies were rescusitated or not.. If anyone has read my story, (link in sig) you will know we chose that.. However we also chose later to cease their treatment.. My babies had 12 days of tubes, wires and ventilators and I feel guilty every day.. They died anyway, it sometimes seems like they went through all that for nothing.. On the other hand, I know they had the chance.. I know they knew their Mummy and Daddy loved them.. And selfishly, I am grateful I got to be a mummy for 12 days..

...My babies were past viability by 2 days and we still got the choice to resuscitate or not.. If we wanted to let nature take it's course that was ok. But selfishly, we wanted our babies saved. As I have said in my previous post I feel guilty for putting them through 12 days of hell, when at the end of the day they were said to have irreversible brain damage and to us it was the wrong thing to do to keep putting them through all that when they may have had what we deemed a bad quality of life..

But each side has it's bad.. I would have felt guilty not giving them a chance.. Even after we turned off their life support, I agonised for months if we had done the right thing.. I lie.. I regretted for months turning off their life support. I wanted them back, brain damaged or not.. I thought what kind of mother was I to not 'accept' my babies just because they were disabled.. But again on the other hand I did it for them.. I loved them and thats why I let them go.. I honestly have no idea what I would do if I was faced with the same situation.. As a mother, you do the best you can with what you know.. I knew I loved my babies and would be a good Mummy.. I feel guilty for many decisions and probably always will. The whole situation is FUCKED.. We need to prevent pre term birth

Not sure if my post made sense, obviously this is hugely emotional for me.. Also, I know it's not right to justify what babies go through medically, and I'm sure I have trauma scars that I don't even know about, but I was a very sick baby, I had a bad heart condition. As a bub, I had a nasogastric tube and was in and out of hospital. I had 2 surgeries, 1 open heart. I don't remember ANY of it.. As I said, it doesn't make it right to put babies through such trauma BUT if my babies had survived I would hope they could forgive me for what they went through..

...I think the same as you in some respect.. What my boys life would have been like had they survived with the brain damage would not be what I want. I would not want to be severly disabled.. Again not saying those who are have a low or no quality of life, it's what I deem I guess.. And with the twins it was about us and what we thought, and what we wanted. What we wanted for us and our sons and their older brother.. My partner didn't want our sons growing up looking at their older brother and cousins kicking a footy when they were stuck in a wheelchair not being able to MOVE let alone kick.. We had no idea how brain damaged they would be. Would they even be able to think? Really we don't know. Even before we turned off their life support I started grieving for my sons when I found out they had bleeding into their brain tissue. I was grieving for the chance to have a normal life, be a normal mother.. Does that make sense?? I totally understand what you are saying when you say by saving premmies we could be creating disabled children.. My babies were perfectly healthy, just born too soon. It was MY body that failed, not theirs. Had I carried to full term I am sure (never know ANYTHING for sure) but I am pretty sure they would have been healthy.. That just adds another guilt emotion into the mix because my body let me down..

I got 1 thing from reading over my posts.. I still hold an ENORMOUS amount of guilt.. I saw a psychic and she told me that I wont have another preterm baby. She said there was an evolved soul just waiting for me, but I cannot accept it yet.. In other words I'm not going to fall pregnant til I clear my emotional shit.. I think I need to let go of my guilt.. I'm going to work on it...

I got to do a bit of a Mummy brag on the w'end :)

On the weekend I went back to my hometown for a friends birthday party.. While I was there I caught up with my Mummy (Yay!) and many other people.. Some people I hadn't seen for 10yrs or more. Some people that knew I was a Mummy, ssome people that didn't.. Either way, I got to tell people about my beautiful boys to people that actually hadn't heard it before! I feel that EVERYONE knows about the twins, and because there's no new experrience or pics to show, I'm just telling people the same story, over and over.. It was nice to have a bit of a Mummy brag and to have people look at my pictures and tell me how beautiful my son's were.. I chose carefully who I showed the pics to because I knew I would get upset if I could see they were uncomfortable..

I only had 1 bad experience.. 1 person (a male) saw me and asked if I had kids yet.. I thought he may have known but obviously he didn't, anyway, I said Yeah I did have twins 2yrs ago, but they were premmie and died.. He said "Oh well, 2yrs, you'd be over it by now wouldn't you"
I laughed and said sarcastically "Yeah, it only takes 2 yrs to get over when your kids die" He said "Oh well, you know what I mean, you're alright" I just nodded and said dryly "Yeah, I'm alright" and changed the subject.. I was pretty proud of myself, if something like that had been said a year ago I probably would have thrown my champagne in his face and abused him! Lol Now at least I can laugh at his utter ignorance!

I also find it amusing that because I went through this traumatic experience of losing my children, people ask if I am going to try again.. Some are shocked when I say yes without a doubt.. Of course I'm scared, but I want to be a Mum.. Nothing will change that for me.. Maybe it does for some though....

Anyway, apart from that ignorant comment, Yay for my Mummy brag, but I also found it was a trigger in other ways. I saw a girl there, a daughter of someone at the party. Last time I saw her she was literally a child.. Now she is 22 with 3 kids! It kind of made me sad that I was my age and still childless.. My babies should have come on this holiday with me.. When I was on the plane I kept visualising what it would have been like, taking my 2yr old twins down to meet people they had never seen before. I wished they were here to show off.. But they aren't so I just thought about them, and talked about them lots instead..

All in all I had a great weekend. Things are going pretty well at the moment, I still get sad (of course) and I hate TAFE, but I am feeling ok about my life, which is always a good feeling :)

Today...

Today I was up at 5am.. Today it occured to me that I didn't think about the fact my chilren died until 9.40am.. It was 4 and a half hours from waking until I consciously thought about them..Wow! I don't know how I feel about that.. As you may know from previous posts as time goes on I am feeling further and further away from them.. I don't want to be in the depths of grief, but I don't want to forget them.. Memories are all I have. I'm scared.. What if I get to a point where I go a day without thinking of my Son's.. I don't want that.. Remembering, not remembering, it all sux because they died and I shouldn't be in this position.. I am not sure what to feel about what occured to me today..

Just wanted to post

I love you Taite and Seth and I miss you so much. I wish things were different.

Another year!

Dear Taite and Seth,

Well, Mummy did it! I made it through another year without you.. I wish so much that you were here with me, being cheeky little 2yo ratbags.. I miss you so much, and not a single day goes by where I don't think of your precious little faces.. I wonder what you would have looked like, how your little personalities would shine. I wonder what life would have been like as your Mummy. I hate that you couldn't stay. As each year passes I feel further and further away from you.. I want time to stop.. I want to go back to when you were alive. I have never been so proud in my life. Taite James and Seth David, my little twinnys.. So tiny, so perfect. Thank you for choosing me to be your Mummy. I miss you xx

I wish I could brag about my son's without other people freaking out. I am a mother to the most precious boys in the world. I wish I was acknowledged like that. I don't want to be labelled 'strong' I don't want people to wonder how I get out of bed every day, I just want to be acknowledged as a Mum to beautiful twin boys who were too perfect to stay..

I don't have new photo's to show, I never will. I don't have new stories, but the stories I do have are so special and I am willing to relieve those 24wks of pregnancy and 12 days of being a mummy over and over. I felt many emotions during that time, but I have never been so happy as I was when my twins were alive..

Another childless xmas

So, I have been in denial that Christmas will actually come.. But it didn't work and it's almost here. Before 2008 I had started to dislike Christmas because I wanted a baby to share Christmas with. I managed to stay in the Christmas spirit though and dream of the day i would finally have my Christmas miracle.. When I fell pregnant I was so happy that at Christmas time I would be pregnant, and that it would be my last Christmas childless.. When I went into premature labour, wow! I was a Mum by Christmas.. Then they died. Christmas 2008 I was still in shock. They only died 3wks before. Merry fucking Christmas.. Now I am the Christmas grinch. I have lost all spirit. I wish Christmas would fuck off. It is a sad time for me. Not only am I childless at Christmas, but I shouldn't be! I had babies, I was so close. I don't want to see another Christmas childless and not pregnant. It isn't fair. I wish so much I was dressing my 2yr old twins in matching outfits and getting their santa photos. I wish that I had spent way too much money on way too much crap just to see their little faces light up on Christmas morning. I wish when I saw the Christmas lights in Toowoomba I could have enjoyed them, instead of the whole event being tinged with sadness, because all I could think about was how much my babes would have loved it if they were here. I wish i could hibernate until January, but I can't so i'll just get drunk instead. Like I have done every other year!

Take me away from here...

The land of grieving, that is.. I can't cope anymore, it's too hard. I will start the post by backtracking to Taite and Seth's birthday. I had a lovely day and after the balloon release friends of mine had put on a little 'party' for the twins.. Birthday cake and all.. It was really sweet, and a really nice way to celebrate the most important day of my life.. The twins birthday really is a day for celebration. I will never have that day again. The way I felt seeing my 1st born sons. Those babies, although they aren't here made me a Mummy and I love them so much. Above are pictures of the day.. The balloon release (although once the balloons were let go you can barely see them it was so windy) And the gifts I got. T & S as well as the baubles were given to me on that day, but the candle holders which I have the baubles sitting in were given to me a few days before by a friend I met on my parenting forum.. I was touched to recieve each and every one of these gifts.

It was Tuesday night I came crashing down and pretty much couldn't be awake without feeling in physical pain. I think of the boys every day, but it has been a long time since I have felt like this.. It was too painful to stay awake so I didn't. I just slept for almost 2 days. And when I was awake I cried.. Yesterday I felt a bit better, even managed to get an assignment done and function the way a normal person does.. This morning I am somewhere in between.. I woke up crying and have no energy.. I just want this pain to go away.. I wish this wasn't my life. Last night I dreamt I lost 3 more babies. All boys, and I got them cremated and added the ashes to Taite and seth's urn. No wonder I woke up crying.. I just wish I could rewind back 2yrs ago, before i found out about the brain bleeding. When they looked like they would make it.. I want to touch them, see them and sing to them again. I want my babies to be a live and not dead. I want this pain to go away. I don't know what I have done to deserve this, or what they did to suffer through their 12 days.. I would have been a good mother. I did everything right in my pregnancy, those babies were so loved and wanted I feel so ripped off, but in another way I am so blessed I got to meet them and spend 12 days with them.. I love you Taite and Seth, please send your Mummy some strength to get through another day without you. xx