The land of grieving, that is.. I can't cope anymore, it's too hard. I will start the post by backtracking to Taite and Seth's birthday. I had a lovely day and after the balloon release friends of mine had put on a little 'party' for the twins.. Birthday cake and all.. It was really sweet, and a really nice way to celebrate the most important day of my life.. The twins birthday really is a day for celebration. I will never have that day again. The way I felt seeing my 1st born sons. Those babies, although they aren't here made me a Mummy and I love them so much. Above are pictures of the day.. The balloon release (although once the balloons were let go you can barely see them it was so windy) And the gifts I got. T & S as well as the baubles were given to me on that day, but the candle holders which I have the baubles sitting in were given to me a few days before by a friend I met on my parenting forum.. I was touched to recieve each and every one of these gifts.
It was Tuesday night I came crashing down and pretty much couldn't be awake without feeling in physical pain. I think of the boys every day, but it has been a long time since I have felt like this.. It was too painful to stay awake so I didn't. I just slept for almost 2 days. And when I was awake I cried.. Yesterday I felt a bit better, even managed to get an assignment done and function the way a normal person does.. This morning I am somewhere in between.. I woke up crying and have no energy.. I just want this pain to go away.. I wish this wasn't my life. Last night I dreamt I lost 3 more babies. All boys, and I got them cremated and added the ashes to Taite and seth's urn. No wonder I woke up crying.. I just wish I could rewind back 2yrs ago, before i found out about the brain bleeding. When they looked like they would make it.. I want to touch them, see them and sing to them again. I want my babies to be a live and not dead. I want this pain to go away. I don't know what I have done to deserve this, or what they did to suffer through their 12 days.. I would have been a good mother. I did everything right in my pregnancy, those babies were so loved and wanted I feel so ripped off, but in another way I am so blessed I got to meet them and spend 12 days with them.. I love you Taite and Seth, please send your Mummy some strength to get through another day without you. xx
I feel ripped off that it is my son's 2nd birthday and there is no cake, no party, no squeals of delight, no tired temper tantrums at the end of a big day. Just me, alone with my thoughts and memorys and a couple of helium filled balloons.
To my little Twinnys,
I can't believe it has been 2yrs since the the day I became a mum to 24wk twin boys. Thank you for choosing me to be your Mama, I just wish you could have stayed longer.. Taite and Seth, you were so loved, so wanted before you were even concieved. I am so proud to be your mother I will treasure every precious memory of every moment spent with you in those 12 days. I miss you so much and I so desperately wish you were here with me. I wish things were different. I wish I was watching you giggle with excitement as you rip the wrapping off your presents. Instead my darlings, I will be going to a quiet place and I will let go of some balloons and think of every minute that I was lucky enough to have you in my life.. I love you my angels, Happy 2nd Birthday, Mummy is sending my love to you, wherever you are.. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx