Monday, December 20, 2010

Another childless xmas

So, I have been in denial that Christmas will actually come.. But it didn't work and it's almost here. Before 2008 I had started to dislike Christmas because I wanted a baby to share Christmas with. I managed to stay in the Christmas spirit though and dream of the day i would finally have my Christmas miracle.. When I fell pregnant I was so happy that at Christmas time I would be pregnant, and that it would be my last Christmas childless.. When I went into premature labour, wow! I was a Mum by Christmas.. Then they died. Christmas 2008 I was still in shock. They only died 3wks before. Merry fucking Christmas.. Now I am the Christmas grinch. I have lost all spirit. I wish Christmas would fuck off. It is a sad time for me. Not only am I childless at Christmas, but I shouldn't be! I had babies, I was so close. I don't want to see another Christmas childless and not pregnant. It isn't fair. I wish so much I was dressing my 2yr old twins in matching outfits and getting their santa photos. I wish that I had spent way too much money on way too much crap just to see their little faces light up on Christmas morning. I wish when I saw the Christmas lights in Toowoomba I could have enjoyed them, instead of the whole event being tinged with sadness, because all I could think about was how much my babes would have loved it if they were here. I wish i could hibernate until January, but I can't so i'll just get drunk instead. Like I have done every other year!

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Take me away from here...













The land of grieving, that is.. I can't cope anymore, it's too hard. I will start the post by backtracking to Taite and Seth's birthday. I had a lovely day and after the balloon release friends of mine had put on a little 'party' for the twins.. Birthday cake and all.. It was really sweet, and a really nice way to celebrate the most important day of my life.. The twins birthday really is a day for celebration. I will never have that day again. The way I felt seeing my 1st born sons. Those babies, although they aren't here made me a Mummy and I love them so much. Above are pictures of the day.. The balloon release (although once the balloons were let go you can barely see them it was so windy) And the gifts I got. T & S as well as the baubles were given to me on that day, but the candle holders which I have the baubles sitting in were given to me a few days before by a friend I met on my parenting forum.. I was touched to recieve each and every one of these gifts.

It was Tuesday night I came crashing down and pretty much couldn't be awake without feeling in physical pain. I think of the boys every day, but it has been a long time since I have felt like this.. It was too painful to stay awake so I didn't. I just slept for almost 2 days. And when I was awake I cried.. Yesterday I felt a bit better, even managed to get an assignment done and function the way a normal person does.. This morning I am somewhere in between.. I woke up crying and have no energy.. I just want this pain to go away.. I wish this wasn't my life. Last night I dreamt I lost 3 more babies. All boys, and I got them cremated and added the ashes to Taite and seth's urn. No wonder I woke up crying.. I just wish I could rewind back 2yrs ago, before i found out about the brain bleeding. When they looked like they would make it.. I want to touch them, see them and sing to them again. I want my babies to be a live and not dead. I want this pain to go away. I don't know what I have done to deserve this, or what they did to suffer through their 12 days.. I would have been a good mother. I did everything right in my pregnancy, those babies were so loved and wanted I feel so ripped off, but in another way I am so blessed I got to meet them and spend 12 days with them.. I love you Taite and Seth, please send your Mummy some strength to get through another day without you. xx

Sunday, November 21, 2010

21st November 2010 - Happy 2nd Birthday Taite and Seth..

I feel ripped off that it is my son's 2nd birthday and there is no cake, no party, no squeals of delight, no tired temper tantrums at the end of a big day. Just me, alone with my thoughts and memorys and a couple of helium filled balloons.

To my little Twinnys,

I can't believe it has been 2yrs since the the day I became a mum to 24wk twin boys. Thank you for choosing me to be your Mama, I just wish you could have stayed longer.. Taite and Seth, you were so loved, so wanted before you were even concieved. I am so proud to be your mother I will treasure every precious memory of every moment spent with you in those 12 days. I miss you so much and I so desperately wish you were here with me. I wish things were different. I wish I was watching you giggle with excitement as you rip the wrapping off your presents. Instead my darlings, I will be going to a quiet place and I will let go of some balloons and think of every minute that I was lucky enough to have you in my life.. I love you my angels, Happy 2nd Birthday, Mummy is sending my love to you, wherever you are.. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Saturday, October 16, 2010

My Beautiful Babies.. A montage :)

With a lot of help from a midwife on my parenting forum a beautiful montage has been put together and uploaded on you tube..

Friday, October 15, 2010

Remembering our Babies

I am sitting here with 2 beautiful candles burning to take part in the wave of light.. Remembering Taite and Seth and all the other little angel babies..

Taite and Seth, Mummy loves and misses you everyday xx

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Sharing my story

So, on my parenting forum, one of the administrators put out a call to members to share a story. So I put my hand up to share my story about loss..

They are going to have something called Member Monday, where each Monday a member shares a story (not particularly about loss) So I got the details and tonight e mailed my story, pretty much the same as what is on my website..

I wonder how it will be received, as a lot of members may have read it, and the ones who haven't may have done so by choice?? I am hoping though that it may help members who may have recently had a loss..

I feel I have a lot to give in telling my story. There was so much to it. It wasn't that I had a baby and it died.. There was the fact I had twins, they were premmie, they survived in NICU for 12 days and the one that I wish I had been able to read IT GIVES AN ACCOUNT OF HOW IT FEELS TO MAKE THE DECISION TO TURN OFF YOUR BABIES LIFE SUPPORT! The hardest decision ever.. To know, that day that your baby is going to die. To know that this is the last hold you are ever going to have while your babies are alive.. That's powerful emotion and I want to share it, because I am sure it is more common than we think, but it is one thing that is not spoken about.. I suffered guilt for months, wondering if I had made the right decision and it was very very hard for me to find someone that related to that.. I hope I can help someone with my story.

I must admit it also has come at a good time for me in my grief as I am feeling very far away from my babies as more time passes.. This may just be my opportunity to remember them and have that closeness with them again through the grief. It also reminds others that I am a Mummy, I have had 2 beautiful son's that have made my world a different place..

I don't know how much sense that post makes but it makes sense to me.. I love and miss my babies so much and I can't believe that they would be almost 2!!

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Fathers day...

I am wondering how Jade is feeling today. Wondering if he is thinking about the fact he should be spending today with 3 children not just 1.. I wonder if he even cares that it's fathers day. I know he is not as sentimental as me.. Surely he is thinking of the twins today though.. I hope so. They deserve to be missed. I miss them. I miss them so much.. My life is about to take another positive step, I passed my exams so begin placement in the hospitals this week. It's great, I am proud of myself andd how far I have come, but I miss my babies. I wish I was a mother to my boys, not studying to be a nurse. I still feel ripped off. It was their brothers 6th birthday last week, he had a great party, but the twins were missed by me that day too. I kept thinking how they should have been there and how much fun they would have had. I wish I could see Jacob with his brothers. No words can ever express what I feel.. Saying I miss them isn't enough.. I can't describe how I feel about being a childless mother. The more time that passes, the more I learn to live with it. But it's also longer since I held them and saw them.. I feel like they are further away from me with each day that passes. I found this poem today and thought I would post it although it still doesn't explain how I am feeling as a childless mother.

A thousand tears or more these eyes have cried
and a thousand more lay in wait -
I am bathed with them
and yet my heart is still broken,
and all that is within me aches
with the loss of you, the wanting of you.

There is never a time for this that is right-
never a way that can prepare the heart
for this reft -you have passed through
my arms too soon, like sand flowing through fingers
I could not hold you here, though
I would try.

I know that your spirit flies free
and in the quiet depths of my heart, I can see you still
in the rhythm of the waves upon the shore
in the crisp fall air that fills my chest,
in the iridescent gleam of each dragonfly
skimming the surface between heaven and earth.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

I miss my babies

Today a friend of mine was speaking about when her daughter was a baby.. She spoke about breast feeding. That is 1 thing I really wish I got to experience with my babies.. I mean, I am greatful that I got to hold my babies alive, change their nappies. I got to bath them, (even though they had died by then)and they did have my milk but it was through a tube.. :( For months after they died I dreamt about breastfeeding them.. I just wish I got the chance.. Then thinking about missing out on that makes me think of the other things I have and will miss out on for the rest of my life.. Their smiles, crawling, walking, talking, their CUDDLES!!! I just miss them and wish they were here. I love you Taite and Seth, Mummy misses you EVERY DAY!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Hmm..

Not much to say. It was my birthday on Friday.. 29 years old.. Last year of my 20's!! I had a good time. But that thought was always there Although I am having a good time, it still should be different, I should have my babies here with me That is a thought that is never going to go away.. Ever! No matter what I am doing.. I miss my babies so much.. I wonder what they would be like now, what they would be doing and just how different my life would be.

I am proud of myself though. I have come a long way and my grief, although is always there and is always strong, it doesn't define me. I could still let it, and sometimes I do, but I really really want to be happy and I am doing my best to take the appropriate actions to do that. I hope my babies are proud of the person I have grown into, and although I hate to admit it, maybe if they hadn't had died, this wouldn't have happened.. Maybe them dying did give me this gift.. Even if it did though I would prefer the gift of motherhood! But I am trying to take control of the things I have control over and let myself be happy..

Monday, June 14, 2010

Things change so much, but 1 thing will always stay the same...

In the last couple of months my life has changed so much.. And I must admit I have been having a lot of fun. I have been socialising a lot, having lots of laughs and it feels great. But one thing that stays the same is the fact that no matter what I am doing, who I am with, whether I am happy or sad I can't help but think My life should be different. I should be a stay at home Mummy to my baby boys. Who knows if Jade and I would have stayed together had the twins survived.. Maybe I would be a stuggling single parent instead of a carefree single girl. Or maybe we would still be together and planning our next baby.. All the what ifs.. What if my babies had survived. One thing I know for sure though is I would give ANYTHING to know the what ifs... I would give anything to have my sons here. Taite and Seth, Mummy misses you every single day and that is one thing that will NEVER change..

ETA: I just found this quote and it rings the truth!

Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed. ~Irene Peter

Monday, May 31, 2010

I want a living baby!

One of the hardest things about my relationship ending is knowing for a fact I have no chance of being pregnant. I want to be a Mum to a living baby so much. I know I'm young, my time will come blah blah blah but I want it now.. I should be a mum to 2 beautiful boys, running around, causing mischief. I wish I wasn't maternal at all.. I really wish the desire would just go away. Sometimes it's bearable, other times the desire is so overwhelming and it is so hard to be patient. Another year til I have finished my nursing and until I'm 30, but I hope by then I will have some sort of plan in place and be closer to my dream of being a mum again..

Sunday, May 30, 2010

The conversations to be had....

I have had 2 conversations in the last couple of nights that have made me really think..
Convo 1:
I was at a friends house and she was having a 'make up work shop' She had 3 other ladies there who I had never met.. Fast forward to 1 of them leaving and the host (my friend) walks her out..

Meanwhile I am at the table with 2 other women who know each other.. Convo between them is all about schooling etc then suddenly 1 turns to me and says "What school do your kids go to?" I thought, Fuck am I really old enough to have school kids? Oh shit of course I am!! Then replied the horrid "I don't have kids..." Then quickly went on to say "I did, I had twins, but they were born premmie and only survived for 12 days....... bla bla bla.." Well one of the women turned away horrified and started a new convo with the hosts hubby, but the other lady spoke about it. Asked how I felt talking about them, then looked at pics on my phone etc.. It was nice.. The thing that really struck me was that lady 1 who turned away, didn't have a clue about my babies (and probably never will) but the other lady, not only asked 1st how I felt about speaking about them, but then was happy to speak about them with me.. She had the honour of seeing their pics and knew it was an honour. She thanked me for sharing my story.. Which was nice..

Anyway Convo 2:
A friend I have known for 17yrs called me and I was speaking about my nursing course and she said : "You know, I never thought you would do this" I asked her why, thinking it was due to my total laziness or lack of motivation but her response was : "I thought you would be a Mummy and thats what I thought you would be, for at least the next 10 yrs" And again that slap hit me and I thought yeah, I did too :( But I'm not. I am a nursing student working towards being a Mummy.. And that will have to do for now.. :(

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Ok take 3........

Well I moved again today.. I am so over fucking moving! THIS time, I hope it's the right place! I have been so up and down emotionally. I can't stand being unsettled! I hate it! I have exams exams exam.. Yuk.. I had exams the other day and I am pretty sure I failed one of my exams.. There is always the resit, but with everything that has been going on it has been so damn hard to focus and study :(... Anyway, time to focus on exams and try to accept that life throws shit at you and if it hits you and knocks you down you just have to get back up!! So, hopefully, things might go my way! I moved most of my stuff today and am spending my 1st night in my new house.. Taite and Seth are set up on my TV cabinet, so they have their space! (Always 1st priority) and I am just playing on the computer in between unpacking.. Also off subject but I wanted to thank my gorgeous friend KATHI from www.butterfliesandkittens.blogspot.com for the beautiful quilting block she made for me.. I can't wait to get it! :)

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Miserable..

It had to come.. I knew it would.. I have been seperated for just over 2wks and it's fuckin hard! I miss my babies and I miss their father.. The amount of grief I am feeling is overwhelming. I feel so depressed, stressed, anxious, teary.. I try to keep reminding myself I wont always feel like this. I am just sad, and I am back to living life 1 minute, 1 hour, 1 day at a time.. I just want this to pass and quickly. I don't feel like I can cope with much more. I have had enough of my shit life. I deserve to be happy so why the fuck does it feel impossible. There's always something.. I'm sick of waiting to be happy..I am trying to take positive steps and make positive life choices but I AM HURTING AND NEED THIS PAIN TO STOP!!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Happy Mother's Day..

Happy Mothers day to all my babylost Mama friends! It is such a sad day when you are a childless mother. Today was good though I went and had lunch with Kathi from www.butterfliesandkittens.blogspot and we talked about our children. It was so good being able to talk about Taite and Seth so freely, not worrying about whether it made anyone uncomfortable. It was like we were just 2 mothers talking about our kids. (Which mothers of living children do all the time!)It was really good. I miss my babies so much and it really sux not having them here. But it was good to talk about them.. Now, even though I should be studying, I'm not going to, I am going to lay down with my pussy cat Jazz and watch DVDs! :)

Friday, April 30, 2010

Bonnie Babes

I went to Bonnie Babes last night and before we left we were given a flower. Mine was a pink gerbera. It had a card attached with a beautiful poem.. It was my mothers day present. The only one I will get this year.. :( Thanks again Bonnie Babes, I am glad I am got something at all :)

Thursday, April 29, 2010

A positive at last!

Yay.. I have moved house and I like it, my cat likes it and Taite and Seth's ashes and and all the stuff in their 'space' are set up beautifully! I feel relieved and settled. Off to Bonnie Babes tonight. :)

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Give me a break PLEASE!!!!!

The room I am 'living' in is tiny. My cat wont settle and I'm terrified he will run away. They have a little dog I though my cat would be ok with, but it's not so.. Today I couldn't go to TAFE cos I was worried a flat mate would accidentally let my cat out and I know he will run away cos he is soo stressed. I have been vomiting all day, I am so stressed. I know I have done the right thing leaving, but I truly HATE this place. I need to move again I hate that my cat is so stressed. It's making me stressed. I know he is only a cat but he is my 8y/o baby. I have had him since 8wks old.. I can't lose my children, my relatioship and my cat! I feel like he is all I have at the moment. I am so upset, stressed and physically ill. And my poor cat will have to be locked in a tiny room all day while I go to class tomorrow. If he was comfy here he would be fine outside, I just know how much he hates it cos he got out this morning and went down a drain I managed to coax him out thank god (In my PJ's at 5am!) But yeah, I am so stressed and so scared I'm going to lose my cat who is all I've got this is so HARD!! I just wanna scream at whoever is in charge of this life, or destiny or whatever "I've had my fucking karma, can't 1 little think be easy for me!"

Monday, April 26, 2010

I did it!

I moved out.. I am alone and scared. Felt SO many different emotions today.. I feel sad and overwhelmed..

Friday, April 23, 2010

Tough times ahead..

Ok, so I am single.. Well going through a seperation currently. I am scared of Mother's day without my children, scared of mother's day without my children's father acknowledging me as a mother. Scared of knowing I wont be a mother for a very long time (I can't get pregnant by myself!) Scared of being single and alone.. But I will get through this.. I know I am not alone (even though I feel it sometimes).. I have my friends both IRL and in cyberworld.. I need support for tough times ahead.. I need support as I am feeling grief. not only am I grieving my children, but grieving the loss of my relationship and partnership..

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Ok.. WOW!! Emotional!

Ok so I just discovered how to retreive all my old posts, or thread subscriptions from the forum I'm on.. So being the glutton for punishment I am I went through and had a look at my posts from when I was pregnant. I didn't have the net then so only posted when I was at work or at an internet cafe. Anyway thought I would copy and paste them to create a diary.. I couldn't find my 1st posts which I am disappointed about but basically have a record from when I was 12wks, so here goes:

August 27th, 2008, 01:00 PM

Made it to 12 weeks!!

Yay, Iam 12 weeks today.. Can't beleive I have safely made it thru the 1st trimester.. Have my ultrasound tomorrow to make sure they are still both there.. Can't wait to see them and their heart beats!! My pants are starting to get very tight now.. Can't wait to show properly but I just look fat at the moment!!

August 28th 2008

Olis Mum That is so funny what your little one said.. When we told my partners son who will be 4 on Fri that I was having 2 babies he immediately lifted his shirt and informed us he was having 8!! And they were crocodiles spiders dogs cats and geckos!! It was really funny and we got him to eat his dinner that night cos we told him he had to keep strong for all the animals in his tummy.. Its cute he doesn't understand. I am sure he will quickly learn when the arrive!!

Anyway girls have a good day, will let you know how scan goes when I am back at work as I don't have internet at home..


August 29th 2008

My babies are alive and kicking!!

Tonydayl my partner has a 4yr old boy and this is my 1st pregnancy.. I found out I was having twins at my 1st scan when I was 7wks and 6days.. Now I am 12 weeks and had my scan yesterday.. It was truly the most amazing thing I have ever experienced!! I have been PG once about 8yrs ago and lost it very early and am so relieved to have made it to 12wks.. I am due 11th of March. My babies look all healthy with strong heartbeats.. I can't believe how active they are.. Seeing them kick and move was awesome.. Can't wait to feel it.. I think my partner was in a bit of shock.. The reality of seeing 2 in there moving and squirming.. We really could not be happier.. I think now I am past the 12wk mark I will relax and enjoy my growing belly instead of worrying so much..

This is such a great site I am so glad I found it.. Hope all Mums Dads and Bubs are doing well!!

September 1st 2008

Wow scans do vary in price.. I was told I would have to pay for my 12wk NT scan as it is optional.. I paid $135 and got about $60 back from medicare..

Regarding buying prams we haven't been able to find any nice twin prams locally so my Partner bailed up a random chick in the shopping centre who had a really good mountain buggy side by side pram. She told us she got it from GlenHuntley baby carriages in Melb.. They are so much cheaper from there and it is only costing $40 delivery to the Gold Coast which is great.. I think my in laws are buying it which will be a big help.. We will probably be getting most things 2nd hand aside from pram, carseats and of course mattresses and bedding... My Mum who doesn't live near me called me all excited she had been shopping. These bubs are her 1st grandkids and she is very excited, she just wanted that 12 week mark to pass before buying anything..

In regards to finding out the sex I don't want to know if it it 2 of the same but do want to if I have one of each, but everyone is saying we need to as it is so hard to buy stuff.. My instinct is I have 1 of each that would be the best but I am not sure if y patner will let me have anymore then.. I told him I want to go again if I have 2 boys!! At the end of the day I am just so happy they are alive and kicking I really don't care..

Well back to work Have a great day everyone..

September 10th 2008

Hi there everyone,
14weeks today!! Another week has passed.. My pants are SO tight.. At work I sit with them undone it is so uncomfortable.. I still just look fat tho and not properly pregnant..
No movements for me yet.. They are dancing around on my bladder tho I am sure of it..
Well the hospital I am supposed to be going to apparently never recieved my referral so I have to chase that up.. Apparently they like to see you at 16weeks with twins..

Well back to work Catch up soon hope everyone is doing well

September 30th 2008

Hey Meggie I was really sorry to hear what happened.. Thoughts and sympathy with you and your family..

On a Selfishly happy note I heard both my babies hearts beating yesterday nice and strong!! I am 17wks now and getting rather large.. I love having a big belly.. Still can't feel them move yet tho!! Getting very impatient.. Well back to work I HATE MY JOB AND CAN"T WAIT TO GET OUT!! I had yesterday off sick (even tho I wasn't) which is why I had docs app so I could get a certificate.. I didn't even know I would get to hear my bubs so that was a nice surprise..
Well will pop back in later..

October 2nd 2008

Hi there everyone,

I know it's a bit early but I wanted to get everyones thoughts on Baby Showers.. At 1 st I didn't want one as I don't want people to be obliged to buy stuff as it is about celebrating the impending arrival and not about gifts, however my work collegue wants to throw me one.. My question now tho is how do I make people realise it's not about the gifts its about the celebration and do you think because I am having twins people will feel they have to but 2 of everything.. Because I would hate for people to feel obligated.. Also when do I throw one.. My bubs will prob be born in Feb not March as they will be early.. Also I don't want it to be called a Baby Shower is there anything else we can call it on the invitations??

1st ante natal app in Bris next week.. Have so many questions about the birth.. I hope they can give me an idea of when they are going to be born!

25th October 2008

Well hi everyone.. I haven't been on here for so long.. Congratulations to everyone on their healthy boys or girls!! I had my 19 week scan last wed and didn't come out of hospital for 3 days!! Babies are fine, we didn't find out the sex but know they are both the same!! I however was admitted straight to hospital as I have a short cervix.. When the sonographer told me and I asked what it meant she just said it meant I had a chance of going into preterm labour.. She then told me to empty my bladder so she could do an internal scan to measure exactly 'how short' my cervix is. So I wasn't too worried but after the scan she said she couldn't let me go.. Anyway I saw a doctor who basically told me these babies wont last in there if I don't have a stitch put in.. Well I was scared S***tless at the prospect of losing these babies but was very lucky that it was found in the scan and I didn't actually have any labour or contractions.. So 2 days later I got the stitch in and apparently they taped it aswell so now we are aiming to carry to 32 weeks.. I am not allowed to lift anything, do housework or have sex 1 thing I was glad of was I HAD to quit work YAY!! Anyway the babies are fine so long as they stay in there.. My partner and I joke that we had to deadbolt the door of their house so they can't get out!! Has anyone heard of this before, because it was something I was unprepared for and there is not much info on it, but on speaking to people apparently it is quite common.. Anyway, I probably won't be on much these days as I don't have the internet at home and I would mainly post while I was at work, but I will definately keep you posted and keep myself up to date on how you are all going.. Oh and we have names: Taite James and Seth David for boys and Tayte and Maddie for girls.. No girls middle names yet! Girls names aren't set in stone yet but thats what they are at this point.. Well thats it for me til next time! x

October 30th

Hi Girls,

Well yesterday I went to see a midwife at Gold Coast hospital even tho I am having care in the high risk preg unit at Royal Womens in Brissie. I thought I had better get aquainted with them in case I do go into labour and have to deliver at Gold Coast.. Any way she was absolutely lovely and the most helpful midwife I have ever come across.. I spent 2hrs with her and she talked me thru just about every scenario about pre term birth, vaginal delivery c section etc and gave me a tour of the maternity ward and special care nursery and I got to meet a mummy and her bub who was born on Saturday at only 28wks!! It was awful, seeing him so little with a drip in his tiny arm but it was good to see that to kind of prepare me if my bubs are that early.. I booked in for ante natal classes with her in Nov.. You may have remembered in a previous post I was c section all the way and the plan still is that but I have been adv to be prepared as if I go into labour early I could end up having a vaginal as it could progress quite quickly.. Anyway, back up to Royal womens again today ( I too am sick of driving 1hr then paying $16 for parking!) to have another scan, this time to check bubs don't have a congenital heart defect like their mummy. If there is a concern I will then see a pediatric cardiologist to discuss but if everythings ok I come home then go to normal ob app on Monday. Lets hope everything is ok. There is only a 5% chance of me passing it on, and if it has been at least I will be educated and understand it, as I think most of your fear comes from the unknown.. Anyway babbling now... Bye everyone have a great day!

November 7th 2008

Hi Everyone,

Well ultrasound went really well.. Both babies hearts look fine YAY! I am feeling them move so much now and love it.. Big brother Jacob felt a kick the other day. The look on his face was priceless!! Very cute.. He has been so so naughty lately.. Because I have been working full time we have only really had him one weekend a fortnight but now I am not working we are starting to have him more.. Going back up to bris twice next week for my heart.. No baby appontments til week after. I am starting to really feel the strain and weight of 2 babies now.. And the heat.. It is so hot today!! And as my breasts are a massive 14E now (I am so unhappy they are big and awful!!) I can't find a bikini top or any other top for that matter.. Having major clothing issues as I am still quite small every where else its just boobs and belly.. Grr.. Well I am going haver fun all!!

November 10th 2008

Hi all,

I am feeling very sorry for myself.. I am finding being pregnant harder as the weeks go by.. I am big uncomfy and extremely exhausted.. My ob said it is to be expected as I am probably equivalent to a 30wk single pregnancy.. Am starting to feel strain on my heart now.. Getting very breathless.. Going for an echo wednesdayto see how my heart is doing.. I just hope my heart can cope with at least another 9wks.. I will only be 32wks but I am terrified of these babies being early.. I have waited so long and am so scared I wont be able to hold them when they are born.. I am also very emotional.. Anyway thats my little whinge.. Going to look at a pram now. I think its TGA brand a side by side one and the seats can be reversed individually. It is quite compact and fits thru a standard door.. And is cheaper than the mountain buggy we were looking at.. Mountain buggy good but $1045!!! Also quite bulky. This other one is $800 so am going to different baby shops to compare prices. We move in 3wks! I can't wait but oh the expense!! Have a good weeks everyone!

November 29th 2008 (My Mum posted this for me)

BAL is happy to announce the birth of Taite and Seth on 21/11/08 by ceaser after nine days of "false labour". 24wks and 2.Bubs up and down

And on the same day Mum posted this in the Birth announcements section.. Beleive it or not I only just found it!!! Inever knew this was posted!

BAL is happy to announce the birth of Taite and Seth on 21/11/08 at 24 wks. Mum and bubs doing well

December 1st 2008

Hi all.. I got my mum to come on and announce my birth!! Thanks for all your congratulations.. I don't even know when to start.. I was in labour for 9 days.. For 3 days of it I was sent home with dehydration, constipation and a bladder infection! It wasn't until I started to bleed I was admitted to hospital. I was given drugs to try and stop the contractions but nothing worked.. I was in agony for all that time.. Anyway After 8 days they said ok this labour is not going to stop and I was dilated 6cms and they were scared cos bubs were breach their heads might get stuck if my waters were to suddenly break so on the 9th day which was Fri Nov 21 Taite James and Seth David were born.. I got a glimpse of Taite when he came out but Seth got stuck.. I was cut up my uterus to try and get him out.. He was born 4 mins later and I was taken to recovery.. They wanted me to go straight to Coranory care but I was extremely distressed so they let me see Seth finally when he was 3 hrs old but Taite was in a different room where they were doing a sterile procedure and by the time they were finished my docs wouldn't let me see him!! I didn't see him til next day.. Anyway my beautiful babies have given us frights and little Taite has already had minor surgery for a perferated bowel but they are ok.. I am staying in Ronald Macdonald house in Bris.. Next time your at Maccas if you can afford it please spare some change they do such a wonderful job.. I don't have to pay a cent to stay and for my partner to stay its only $10 a night! Unfortunately both my babies have been having seizures and it has been discovered they have bleeding on the brain.. We are speaking with a consultant today to get an idea of what this means for the future.. So far it's looking like Seth could remain unaffected but Taite could have some sort of physical disability on his right side.. I am so so sad for my babies.. I don't want them to fight to stay alive to have a s**t quality of life.. It is so hard.. So lots of research and if anyone has has premature babies like this or know of someone please please let me know.. I had my 1st cuddle with Taite last night. It was so special.. My boys look so perfect I am so in love.. This is so hard!! Thanks for listening.. I couldn't wait to get on here to fill you all in.. Sorry I am being selfish, I haven't even read anyone elses posts! I don't have alot of time but they do have internet at Ronald Mac's house so I should get more time soon.. Hope everyones going well and pray for us!

December 3rd 2008 (EARLY hrs of the morning)

Well after 2 more meetings with doctors and seeing our babies scans we have made the difficult decision to cease ventilation.. They will still continue medication and breathing support but if bubs get too tired to breath on their own they wont resuscitate.. Maybe some of you wont agree with our decision but we feel the choice is clear. The BEST case scenario is both boys will be physically disabled and Taite has a 90% chance of having mental, speech hearing and sight problems and Seth has an above 50% chance.. Although Seth's chance is better than Taite's We want our boys to be together. If 1 or both boys are meant to be and want to fight that is up to them but We can't justify making them fight when they will not have a very good quality of life anyway.. I am devastated and can't sleep. The ventilation will be turned off tomorrow.. Good luck to all of you and I hope nobody you ever know has to go thru this.. I don't know how I am going to get out of bed every day.. This really sux!

December 6th 2008

Thank you all so much for your kind words and undrstanding.. Our beautiful boys passed away Wed 3rd of Dec. Taite in my arms, Seth in Daddys. They took their last breaths within minutes of each other and we lay them together and my god our boys looked so beautiful and at peace.. They looked so happy to be together again.. The day they passed they looked p***d off and tired. Our boys were ready.. 'They entered the world together and perfect and left together and perfect'

Nobody will ever tease them, they will never know hurt or rejection, they will only know love...

I will pop in from time to time Good luck everyone I hav enjoyed being part of this group. xx


It was really so amazing reading this. I felt so many emotions.. Sadness, joy and I laughed.. Well that's all for now.. Just wanted this as another permanent record of my time with my bubs.. *ETA - I was just reading back through the posts and realised I had posted my babies died on the 10th dec.. Shows how much of a daze I was in considering I posted n the 6th and they died on the 3rd.. Their funeral was on the 10th. Exactly a week after.. :( Although i am still in so much grief and hurt, when I read that it makes me realise just how much shock I must have been in.. My posts seem so matter of fact..Makes me realise how far I have come..

Saturday, April 17, 2010

:(

I'm hurting so much.. Nothing else to say :(

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Such an unfair world..

I just read this morning that a lady that was on the parenting forum I am on took her own life. She had 4 losses after 12 weeks. 3 girls and the last baby a boy. The last loss was the last straw. I get it. I get that feeling of pain. I get that all she wanted was to be a mother. I am so sad for this lady and her family. I hope she is in a beautiful place where she can be the mother she always wanted to be to her 4 beautiful angels. RIP Bondi Girl.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Taite and Seth's space..


Moved house and it was a nightmare.. Was very hard to open the wardrobe that held all the baby clothes of Taite and Seth's that were never worn.. :( I set up their space on our telly cabinet last night. I have never taken a picture of their urn before, or their space, so there it is.. It's a little bit wonky.. I was very tired, and I'm certainly no photographer lol..

Monday, March 22, 2010

Grief sux..

When the boys first died I read poems and read books all the time trying to make sense of my grief.. Today I was on the forum I belong to and for some reason went into the baby loss section, (which I don't do that often anymore) and there was a mother sharing poems she was to have at her son's funeral. She also asked if we had any poems to share so I went to the poems section of my tribute site to pull out some nice ones and all of a sudden BANG!! I was right back there. I felt the intense heartache and grief that comes with planning your babies funeral.. How much life just sux and how much you can't bear to think past the next minute because it is all too damn hard, and I just felt so sad for this Mama.. And sad for me, because I remember it so easily.. Anyway I was reading some poems and this one in particular struck a chord with me. I mentioned in my last post how I felt about grieving now that so much time had passed and how I don't feel as comfortable openly grieving in front of people now and I realised this poem sums it up perfectly, especially the last part which I have coloured blue...


I lost my child today

I lost my child today.
People came to weep and cry
As I just sat and stared, dry eyed.
They struggled to find words to say
To try and make the pain go away.
I walked the floor in disbelief.

I lost my child today.


I lost my child last month.
Most of the people went away.
Some still call and some still stay.
I wait to wake up from this dream
This can't be real--I want to scream.
Yet everything is locked inside,
God, help me, I want to die.
I lost my child last month.



I lost my child last year.
Now people, who had come, have gone.
I sit and struggle all day long,
to bear the pain so deep inside.
And now my friends just question, Why?
Why does this mother not move on?
Just sits and sings the same old song.
Good heavens, it has been so long.
I lost my child last year. '
Time has not moved on for me.
The numbness it has disappeared.
My eyes have now cried many tears.
I see the look upon your face,
" She must move on and leave this place."
Yet I am trapped right here in time.
The songs the same, as is the rhyme,
I lost my child......Today.
This sums up just how I feel.. Over the last 4 weeks I have been struggling immensely again with my babies deaths.. I think partly it has to do with TAFE.. I am finding it hard, so in the back of my mind there is a little voice saying 'You shouldn't even be here, you should be at home with your LIVING twins'... I also don't feel I can express my grief like I could in the beginning.. It has been so long, surely I can't feel the same pain as I did when it was so raw?? Actually yes I do.. And I hate it..
I have been stressing about an exam we have on Wednesday.. So terrified I will fail, just like I am a reproductive failure. Can't fall pregnant, then when I do, can't stay pregnant.. I have moments where I think, I have failed at the most important thing in my life, why wouldn't I fail this.. But then I put a positive spin on it and think 'You know what, fuck it. If I fail this who gives a shit'. After all, it's not the worst thing that has happened.. If I survived my babies deaths, then I can survive if I fail an exam right?? Well I feel a little better now that is off my chest.. I just want the pain, the hurt, the guilt to stop.. I also thought I would post this.. I found it on a forum and I think it was on Sids and Kids website
This is now what normal is,
Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realise someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.
Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or birthday party... yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.
Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.
Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head constantly.
Normal is having TV on the minute you walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.
Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And thinking of the age they would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it because it will never happen.
Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.
Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds.
And yet not realising it has become part of my 'normal'.
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and their birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion.
Happy Birthday? Not really.
Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special my baby loved. Thinking how he would love it, but how he is not here to enjoy it.
Normal is having people afraid to mention my baby.
Normal is making sure others remember them.
Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.
Normal is weeks, months and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.
Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your child is unnatural.
Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it.
Normal is realising I do cry everyday.
Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as cadavers, when you know they were once someone's loved one.
Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child.
Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.
Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in other countries, but yet never having met any of them face to face.
Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.
Normal is being to tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food.
Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have two children or one, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby isn't here on earth.
And yet when you say I have 1 child to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as it you betrayed your baby.
Normal is avoiding playgrounds because of small, happy children that break your heart when you see them.
Normal is people asking why God took your child's life instead of yours and asking if there is a God.
Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.

And last of all, Normal is all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal"
author unknown '

Friday, March 12, 2010

If only....

I am sad.. Yesterday was the 1st anniversary of my due date.. Due dates, no big deal right? I mean how many babies are actually born on their due date? And as if mine would have been.. I always 'knew' they would be early. Being a twin pregnancy and with my heart condition the signs were there. I didn't anticipate how early though.. Anyway point is if Taite and Seth had been born 'on time' (On time meaning from 36wks on) My life would be very different. My children would be 12 months old, maybe walking, babbling, I would most likely be very busy and stressed, but I would be a lot happier. I would have the reward of watching my beautiful babies grow. I would be nurturing them, giving and recieving unconditional love. How different my life would be now if only my babies had been born 'on time'.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Missing my babies :(

Over the last week or so I have been really missing my babies and what should have been.. The good old 'Ripped off' feeling comes to mind. I think I have been wanting to distract myself so much that maybe I have been distracting myself too much. This is the 1st day I have been alone all day for ages. I have either been at TAFE or studying, or with friends studying. I think I still need my 'grief' time.. To tell myself thats it is still ok to grieve and be sad, rather than pushing it away because I have had my time grieving.

It still cuts me to the core when conversations come up about pregnancy or children and I don't join in. I sometimes would like to, but I don't want to join in like my babies are alive then have to explain that they aren't.. A conversation about pregnancy or birth for example.. I experienced it, but some people don't know that and its just assumed I don't have children, so I wouldn't want to talk about my experience and have someone say "oh you have children do you? How many" Or "How old are they?" Then for me to just deflate the whole conversation by the awful truth.. I don't want people to think I am saying it for sympathy. It was different in the 1st year as people recognised it was so raw, but now I think that people wouldn't understand and would have expected me to move on.. I don't know why I give a shit about what people think, but I do..

Anyway I am missing my baby boys so so much and wish they were here with me. :(

I started on my herbs from the natropath and have been on them for 10 days.. Will be interesting to see if they work.. Even if they do it wont change the fact that I lost my beautiful first born boys and I will always have a piece of my heart missing..

Dear Taite and Seth,

My baby boys, it has been 15 months since you gave me the most precious gift of being your mother. I wish so desperately that you were still here. I miss you more than I can even try to explain. I miss what should have been. I wish I could have watched you grow, seen you smile and laugh. I would have done my best to be the best mother to you, just like I am doing now. You still make me proud my babies. From the day I found out I was pregnant through to the day you were born and during those precious 12 days they remain the happiest and proudest moments of my life. I will love you and miss you forever, not a day goes by where you are not in my thoughts.

Love Mummy xx

Monday, February 8, 2010

Busy couple of weeks...

What a busy couple of weeks I have had.. Little J started school and i have started TAFE.. I am glad I am at a TAFE.. It's a great distraction, however everytime I start a new chapter in my life it is always bittersweet. As thrilled as I am to have this opportunity to do Nursing and as much as I enjoy going to TAFE, meeting new people etc, I still get the thought that it's not where I'm meant to be. I am MEANT to be raising my children. Taite and Seth. 15 month old twins that were born premmie, or 11 month old twins born when they were due. Either way I should be up to my elbows in nappies, washing, I should be awake all night getting up to them. I should be going to playgroups, not bereavement support groups, and the list goes on....... At this stage of my grief I am not a crying mess on the floor every day, but I think of them everyday and I miss them every day and the pain is always there.. I miss my babies and would rather have them here, but as they aren't I think I am doing the best that I can to bring positive things in to my life. And I am proud of that.. I so desperately want to be a mother. I am going to see a natropath on Friday.. She is well know as the Baby Maker and has a really high success rate apparently. Something like 90%. So I am hoping that I wont even make it through my 1st semester of nursing without having to defer it.

I would like to post a couple of poems that I got out of the SANDS newsletter this month. I have changed them a bit to suit my situation a bit more.

A baby Wanted (Marion Grimmett)

The loving
my babies so wanted,
born too soon,
My babies dying
What pain,
What loss,
What damage
For What?

Dreaming (Joy Blackburn)

There's a sadness in this living,
There's a pain that has no words,
There's a missing and a longing,
And a sob that can't be heard,
There's a grief that can't be spoken,
There's a wound that one can't see
There's a dreaming and a hoping
When from pain we can be free

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Getting left behind..

I found out a couple of days ago that a couple from the Bonnie Babes support group that I go to are expecting again.. They have been going to Bonnie Babes a month less than me. I am so happy for them, I really am, but there is still that pang of jealousy. I wish it was me.. Actually, I wish I never had to go to Bonnie Babes. I wish Taite and Seth were born healthy and survived.. I miss my babies so much.. It got me to thinking though I wonder if it will make their daughter's birthday/angelversary easier to cope with? I wanted to be pregnant by the time Taite and Seth's birthday came, but on further thinking, I don't think it would matter. Maybe it would give more hope for the future, but there is no way it would take away the pain... A lot of the blogs I have been reading over the past year, now have a subsequent baby or pregnancy. It's hard not to feel left behind.. I am a little bit worried about how I will go at the meetings now. Bonnie Babes was like my safe house.. I really hope I can keep going without it hurting too much. I really don't want it to bother me, but I am scared it might. All I can do is just go and see how I feel. Then deal with those feelings as they happen.

I keep dreaming I am pregnant, and the weirdest dream I had was the other night I dreamed I had triplets! 2 boys and a girl.. But it was like the boys were Taite and Seth.. and although they were in NICU in my dream they were about 1yr old!! Since the boys died I have begged them to come and see me in my dreams.. Maybe they finally are :)

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

A little blog gripe...

This morning I had some time to spare.. I have my 7yr Old brother here from NSW playing with little J, before I take them for a swim.. Anyway, I came across a few new blogs this morning and I have 1 gripe. If you haven't been reading these blogs from the beginning, I find sometimes it is hard to get the full story of what happened. I just want to make sure that if someone comes across my blog they are able to find out the full story. I know some people are different but when I first lost the twins I wanted to find a story as similar to mine as possible.. I wanted someone that lost twins due to prematurity. I wanted someone who had made the horrible heartwrenching decision to turn off their babies' life support. Although everyone's experience is always different it can sometimes be so similar and come with similar feelings and especially in the first few months it is good to know you are not completely insane and not a total nut case.. I hope this post made sense.. Anyway just for good measure I will include the link for the boy's memorial site. It has the full story, pictures, and poems. It took me 6 months to complete and was a crucial part of my healing.. I am very proud of it. http://www.taiteandseth.webs.com/

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Mother of Angel friends..


Since I lost the boys I have met a lot of special people online and through Bonnie Babes. Although I wish I never had to meet them under these circumstances, there are 2 ladies in particular that I know will remain friends for life. 1 of these ladies is Debbie from Bonnie Babes. Her thoughtfulness and selflessness blows me away sometimes. She has made me scrapbooks and given me special candles all out of her own time and money, just to honour my son's. Another one of these friends is Kathi Slee, from http://butterfliesandkittens.blogspot.com/ . She and her husband went to a Mother's (and fathers) Of Angels retreat in Melbourne, where they had a candle lighting ceremony and a balloon release. When Kathi got back she e mailed me some photos. She had done a balloon release for Taite and Seth. If you haven't lost a baby you probably wouldn't understand just how significant this is. It is so beautiful to know that someone else is taking the time to think of and honour your babies. So thank you Kathi, the photo's are beautiful.. :) I wish you never had to understand what this meant to me..

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Just a bit of a ramble about grief..

In the morning is when my grief is still the strongest.. Particularly since Jade had gone back to work, Little J is at his Mums, I don't have a job and TAFE hasn't started yet.. I wake up with Jade then after he leaves is when my mind ticks over.. It's always too early for me to get up so I just lay there and think about what should have been.. How I should be a mother to beautiful twin boys, how I shouldn't have even 5 minutes to myself. Then my mind wanders to the NICU stay and their death.. That part of the morning is awful.. I am glad though that I don't feel that grief all day. When I think back, I have come SO far in my grief.. And when I have this horrible feeling in the morning, I have to remind myself that it will pass. I wont feel like this all day like I did at first.. I am looking forward to starting TAFE, to have a distraction again.. Don't get me wrong, I think of Taite and Seth ALL DAY EVERY DAY, it's just not with that awful feeling of sadness and grief.. I don't know how to describe it.. I hate the fact that this is, and will be the rest of my life.. In a way, I hate that I have learnt to live with it. I have no other choice, but it is not fair that I will always be a mother to dead babies..

13 months is not long in a lifetime, but I feel that I can't really speak about the babies or my grief anymore.. The fact that my babies didn't even get mentioned at Xmas really showed me that everyone has moved on.. I thought maybe we might have played Tears in Heaven for them like we did last year.. I guess last year they were so fresh in everyones minds. It's funny that I think of them as much now as I did then.. I don't even know where I am going with this. I guess my point is, although I am learning to live without my babies, it doesn't mean that I think of them any less. I still want to speak about them, I still want them remembered as part of our family.. I don't want them fading away like a distant memory, and that is what I feel is happening..

Monday, January 4, 2010

A mothers Love...

I found this quote on a memorial site for twin boys Logan and Brody born at 22wks and thought I would share it..

A mother's love persists beyond the grave, stronger than death enduring and everlasting. A mother's love persists. You ARE a mother, even in the physical absence of your children. You are a mother, because a mother's love persists

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I am a Nurse and Mama to 2 Angels and a premmy Miracle

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