In the morning is when my grief is still the strongest.. Particularly since Jade had gone back to work, Little J is at his Mums, I don't have a job and TAFE hasn't started yet.. I wake up with Jade then after he leaves is when my mind ticks over.. It's always too early for me to get up so I just lay there and think about what should have been.. How I should be a mother to beautiful twin boys, how I shouldn't have even 5 minutes to myself. Then my mind wanders to the NICU stay and their death.. That part of the morning is awful.. I am glad though that I don't feel that grief all day. When I think back, I have come SO far in my grief.. And when I have this horrible feeling in the morning, I have to remind myself that it will pass. I wont feel like this all day like I did at first.. I am looking forward to starting TAFE, to have a distraction again.. Don't get me wrong, I think of Taite and Seth ALL DAY EVERY DAY, it's just not with that awful feeling of sadness and grief.. I don't know how to describe it.. I hate the fact that this is, and will be the rest of my life.. In a way, I hate that I have learnt to live with it. I have no other choice, but it is not fair that I will always be a mother to dead babies..
13 months is not long in a lifetime, but I feel that I can't really speak about the babies or my grief anymore.. The fact that my babies didn't even get mentioned at Xmas really showed me that everyone has moved on.. I thought maybe we might have played Tears in Heaven for them like we did last year.. I guess last year they were so fresh in everyones minds. It's funny that I think of them as much now as I did then.. I don't even know where I am going with this. I guess my point is, although I am learning to live without my babies, it doesn't mean that I think of them any less. I still want to speak about them, I still want them remembered as part of our family.. I don't want them fading away like a distant memory, and that is what I feel is happening..
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