Saturday, December 31, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
Merry Christmas my Angels. Mummy missed you so much. I hate so much that you aren't here for me to spoil at Christmas time. You would have been 3 this Xmas, an age where you really would have enjoyed the magic of Santa. I miss you everyday, but at Xmas I get so sad to be without my firstborn son's. I love you so much and will never stop loving or missing you. When you left a piece of my heart went with you. I hope you had a lovely Xmas, up there in the stars with your many angel friends.Love always Mummy xxxxl
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Taite and Seth, Mummy will never stop loving you or missing you. "There's a hole in my soul that can never be filled, in my heart, you live on, always there, never gone"
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Wow, it's been 3 years. I can't believe it has been that long since I held you in my arms. I remember it like yesterday, walking into that isolation room, doing your cares 1 last time, watching on as you had a cuddle with your grandparents, then the time came. Daddy held Seth and I held Taite as they removed your ventilation. We lay with you as you took your last breaths and the colour drained from your tiny bodies.
You stopped breathing within about 4 mins of each other. Seth first, then Taite. I remember because you were born within 4 mins of each other. When we were sure all signs of life had gone, we left the room while the doctors took out your lines and declared your time of death.. I don't remember what time it was. Sometime in the early evening. When we came back in the nurses had positioned you beautifully, together, holding hands. You looked so at peace, so glad to be in your new world together. It was the only thing that made the experience bearable, was seeing you wrapped together looking so so peaceful.
We lay together with you for a little while, then we took you for your first big boy baths. We gently bathed and wrapped you, then left you together..
I saw you a couple more times before your cremation. The next day I saw you at the hospital before the funeral home came and took you. You were still laying together, looking like perfect little dolls.
Your funeral was on December 10th at a beautiful little chapel. How I wish I'd had photo's of that day. I didn't know, I didn't think I'd want to remember such a day. I regret that so much. It was a beautiful chapel and a beautiful service. Daddy and I released doves after it. The pictures would have been beautiful.
I don't remember how long after, we got your ashes back. A few days? A week? They were back before xmas. They are in a tiny silver urn with teddy bears. They always sit pride of place, along with your pictures, scrapbooks, candles and other various gifts we have received in your memory over the last 3 years.
The story of your life and death is very short, but the impact you have had on my life will last a lifetime. You have touched many many peoples lives and will continue to do so.
Not a day goes by where I don't wish you were here. I love you so so much my babies. Thank you for choosing me to be your Mother.
Always in my heart,
Love & miss you always, Mummy xxxxxx
Monday, November 21, 2011
Wow! 3 years have passed since my firstborn sons were brought into this world. Sometimes it feels like forever, other times like yesterday.
We had a nice day today. Debbie and Jeff from Bonnie babes came up and brought us balloons to release, and make beautiful cupcakes :) Mum, Deb, Jeff and I went to Newfarm park. It was so beautiful and the weather was perfect. We sat down first and had a cuppa and chat then let the balloons go. The balloons always stay together. I like to imagine them playing with their balloons with their many angel friends. I put on my FB status that although I try to imagine my babes as the 3 year olds they would be, they are still my newborn babies that I held in my arms. I wish so much they were still here. I think about them every day. Sometimes I remember their journey so clearly, other times, I think it's too painful to let my mind think about. Their birthday though is always a celebration. It's a happy day for me, the day they were born. I'm so proud Taite and Seth chose me to be their Mama. They brought so much to my life. They made me a Mother.
I love you Taite and Seth, I miss you so much.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
I think with Jett here and so much going on I haven't been able to let my mind think about the twins too much.. I do think of them and miss them everyday still, but I mean the fact that they died right here in the hospital I'm in everyday.. I think if I let my mind go there I would have some sort of breakdown with the stress, grief etc..
I had a dream the other night that I was trying to tell people about taite and Seth and no one would listen. When I woke up, I knew I had to let my mind acknowledge the feelings that were deeply buried. If I was at home right now, without anything else to focus on I would probably be a wreck, but the mind has an amazing coping mechanism..
I am not sure what to do on Taite and Seth's birthday. I wanted to go to Burleigh Hill like I did last year and do a balloon release, but this year I can't.. I feel a bit guilty in a way that this year their birthday isn't about them because it is still all about Jett. I comfort myself by thinking that the twins are looking after their baby brother and they know that I am right where I need to be. Once Jett is home, I will go back to having Taite and Seth time. Monthly support group meetings and proper memorial celebrations for them. I miss my support group meetings, I miss talking about my boys. I do talk about them though, a lot of the nurses that look after Jett were here when the twins were and they all remember us :) I also tell other Mums about them, although I think it makes the other Mums uncomfortable. (I don't tell Mums of bubs under 25wks gestation, because I am I will make the possibility of death more real for them, which I don't want to do)
I miss Taite and Seth so much, I am so proud of my beautiful boys.. They were strong, they were fighters. People seem to forget that I think sometimes..
I love you Taite and Seth, you are never far from my thoughts and always in my heart xx
ETA: I just realised that my other website is working again yay!! Click on the picture of the twins together if you haven't seen my memorial website.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
On another note - I can't believe it is nearly Taite and Seth's 3rd birthday. I think about my beautiful angels all the time..
Thank you Taite and Seth for watching over your baby brother and your Mummy. I love and miss you so much xx
Friday, September 23, 2011
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Monday, September 5, 2011
I miss you Taite and Seth.. You would be so big now and learning new things every day! I wish you were here. xx
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
It was strange reading the joy of a new mother in the early days. The joy I felt when their 1st lot of brain scans came back clear. I could feel joy oozing from the page. Unfortunately i felt the same reading the sad parts. I could feel it, and I was back there making that awful decision of whether my son's would live or die. Then the pain of living after their death. I just can't believe that this happened. That it's real. It happened to us. Our son's died at 12 days old.. I wont be exposing myself to the reality of the story again for quite sometime. I think for the moment although of course I know every day that my son's died, I don't feel that raw grief like I did. i just can't go there at this stage of my life.. It's like I'm in some sort of denial..
Monday, July 18, 2011
So this pregnancy has triggered lots and lots of memories, that although I remembered, they weren't something I consciously thought about for quite some time. I hoped that this blog would remain about Taite and Seth alone, but I am finding that impossible because as most of the pain I'm feeling, apart from just missing my babies, is actually triggered by this pregnancy. This far down the track when I think of my babies I think of what they brought to my life and I think of what could have been, however most of the trauma of the pregnancy, birth & neo natal time before they actually died had not been in the fore front of my mind..
Anyway, I have been back to the hospital a few times now which was hard. I had a suture put in on the 15th and today I had to tell a mid wife my full obstetric history. I'm just feeling a little drained I think. I have been wanting to post for a while, but I just don't have the energy. Maybe I'll come back when I feel I have more to say.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
but do you really want to know?
he moment I try telling you
You say you have to go
How can I tell you,
what it's been like for me
I am haunted, I am broken
By things that you don't see
You ask me how I'm holding up,
but do you really care?
The moment I start to speak my heart, You start squirming in your chair.
Because I am so lonely,you see,
friends no longer come around,
I'll take the words I want to say And quietly choke them down.
Everyone avoids me now, I guess they don't know what to say
They told me I'll be there for you, then turned and walked away.
Call me if you need me,
that's what everybody said,
But how can I call and screaminto the phone, My God, my child is dead?
No one will let me say the words
I need to say
Why does a mothers grief
scare everyone away?
I am tired of pretending my heart hammers in my chest,
I say things to make you comfortable,but my soul finds no rest.
How can I tell you things
that are too sad to be told,
of the helplessness of holding a child who in your arms grows cold?
Maybe you can tell me,
How should one behave,
who's had to follow their childs casket,watched it perched above a grave?
You cannot imagine what it was like for me that day
to place a final kiss upon that box,
and have to turn and walk away.
If you really love me,
and I believe you do
if you really want to help me,
here is what I need from you.
Sit down beside me
reach out and take my hand,
Say " My friend, I've come to listen,
I want to understand."
Just hold my hand and listen
that's all you need to do,
And if by chance I shed a tear,
it's alright if you do to.
I swear that I'll remember till the day
I'm very old,
the friend who sat and held my hand
and let me bare my soul.
Written by Kelly Cummings
I wish I had found this poem when I lost Taite and Seth. It is so true. However I have been so blessed to have many good friends that I can talk about my babies too. I have bored many of them 1000 times with the same stories. There are a lot of people that get really uncomfortable though. I can't blame them. It's not nice to talk about, but it's frustrating when people think it's too upsetting for them when it didn't happen to them.. At this stage I find I am avoiding stories of miscarriage and loss for my own reasons. I really appreciate the fact I can choose to avoid these stories though now. I am still living my own nightmare of loss though and that will never go away..
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Well, I was wondering if I would ever get to write this post. Taite and Seth are going to be big brothers. Jacob will be a big brother for the 2nd time. I'm 6wks pregnant. We had an U/S yesterday and there is 1 little tiny bub with a flickering heart. Absolute relief.. This is my 3rd pregnancy. 1st one was about 10yrs ago and ended in early M/C, 2nd pregnancy was with Taite and Seth, so now I'm hoping 3rd time lucky. I'm hoping and praying with everything I have I get to bring this baby home..
Finding out about this baby has brought so many emotions. 1st of course excitement! I am so happy to be pregnant again. It also bring worry because, I haven't brought a baby home before. So many things could go wrong. One thing I have on my side is that there is only 1 baby! My chances of carrying further are higher. Another thing is I will be having regular cervical measurements from 12wks. If I need a stitch it will be placed, hopefully earlier than 19wks. I have made an appointment with my cardiologist and had a referral sent to RWHB. They called me to confirm some details and said they would arrange an appointment ASAP. That was a week ago and I still haven't heard anything. I'm trying not to stress but it's hard. Anyway, I have started a pregnancy journal that I may make into a blog later. I didn't want Taite and Seth's space taken up by the new baby. (Who I refer to as 'Button'). I will still blog about my Forever babies. I miss them so much and wish they were here to look after this bub. They will just have to watch over from above. Love you Taite and Seth. Forever in Mummy's heart xxxxxx
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
I am feeling a bit down at the moment, with easter coming up, the the dreaded mother's day.. I just wish I could sleep til it's over and wake up pregnant. I want to be a Mum, but even if I had another baby this pain wouldn't heal.. I just don't know if I can deal with this for the rest of my life.. How can I do it? This will be my 3rd Easter without Taite and Seth and although my grief has improved on a day to day basis, these family holidays and anniversaries are still as hard as they were the 1st year. Only difference is I have an idea of what's coming and I know I have felt it before.. I just hate it. I hate that my son's aren't here with me, and I hate that I am not yet a mother when I should be.. :(
Friday, March 25, 2011
Last night two little angels
Came and whispered in my ear.
And this is what they told me
“Don’t worry Mummy, we’re right here.
It feels like a long time
Since we last felt your touch.
And we wanted you to know
We miss you and Daddy very much.
We know that you love us
And think of us every day.
And it makes us very sad
that we had to go away.
But we know that our memory
will never ever die.
And we know that sometimes
When you think of us you cry.
But don’t worry Mummy
There's so much here to do.
And every day remember
We are watching over you.”
Then my angels kissed me
As tears rolled down my face.
And I knew we’ll all be together again
Another time. Another place.
and this one...
I don't need a special day to bring the two of you to mind,
The days I do not think of you are very hard to find.
Each morning when I awake I know that you are gone,
And no one knows the heartache as I try to carry on.
My heart still aches with sadness and secret tears still flow,
What it meant to lose you two no one will ever know.
My thoughts are always with you,
Your places no one can fill.
In life I loved you both dearly,
In death I love you still.
I miss my babies.. "Mummy loves you Taite and Seth xxxx"
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
I joined it.. My babies were JUST viable.. When I went into labour I was only 23wks (by date of 1st U/S) and my local hospital said I was not at the point of viability and were going to let me birth.. It was horrid to be told that just because of a 'date' my children weren't going to be given the chance to survive.. Luckily for me, I was under the care of another hospital and I was transferred up there and I stayed in labour til over 24wks.. So we got to choose whether the babies were rescusitated or not.. If anyone has read my story, (link in sig) you will know we chose that.. However we also chose later to cease their treatment.. My babies had 12 days of tubes, wires and ventilators and I feel guilty every day.. They died anyway, it sometimes seems like they went through all that for nothing.. On the other hand, I know they had the chance.. I know they knew their Mummy and Daddy loved them.. And selfishly, I am grateful I got to be a mummy for 12 days..
...My babies were past viability by 2 days and we still got the choice to resuscitate or not.. If we wanted to let nature take it's course that was ok. But selfishly, we wanted our babies saved. As I have said in my previous post I feel guilty for putting them through 12 days of hell, when at the end of the day they were said to have irreversible brain damage and to us it was the wrong thing to do to keep putting them through all that when they may have had what we deemed a bad quality of life..
But each side has it's bad.. I would have felt guilty not giving them a chance.. Even after we turned off their life support, I agonised for months if we had done the right thing.. I lie.. I regretted for months turning off their life support. I wanted them back, brain damaged or not.. I thought what kind of mother was I to not 'accept' my babies just because they were disabled.. But again on the other hand I did it for them.. I loved them and thats why I let them go.. I honestly have no idea what I would do if I was faced with the same situation.. As a mother, you do the best you can with what you know.. I knew I loved my babies and would be a good Mummy.. I feel guilty for many decisions and probably always will. The whole situation is FUCKED.. We need to prevent pre term birth
Not sure if my post made sense, obviously this is hugely emotional for me.. Also, I know it's not right to justify what babies go through medically, and I'm sure I have trauma scars that I don't even know about, but I was a very sick baby, I had a bad heart condition. As a bub, I had a nasogastric tube and was in and out of hospital. I had 2 surgeries, 1 open heart. I don't remember ANY of it.. As I said, it doesn't make it right to put babies through such trauma BUT if my babies had survived I would hope they could forgive me for what they went through..
...I think the same as you in some respect.. What my boys life would have been like had they survived with the brain damage would not be what I want. I would not want to be severly disabled.. Again not saying those who are have a low or no quality of life, it's what I deem I guess.. And with the twins it was about us and what we thought, and what we wanted. What we wanted for us and our sons and their older brother.. My partner didn't want our sons growing up looking at their older brother and cousins kicking a footy when they were stuck in a wheelchair not being able to MOVE let alone kick.. We had no idea how brain damaged they would be. Would they even be able to think? Really we don't know. Even before we turned off their life support I started grieving for my sons when I found out they had bleeding into their brain tissue. I was grieving for the chance to have a normal life, be a normal mother.. Does that make sense?? I totally understand what you are saying when you say by saving premmies we could be creating disabled children.. My babies were perfectly healthy, just born too soon. It was MY body that failed, not theirs. Had I carried to full term I am sure (never know ANYTHING for sure) but I am pretty sure they would have been healthy.. That just adds another guilt emotion into the mix because my body let me down..
I got 1 thing from reading over my posts.. I still hold an ENORMOUS amount of guilt.. I saw a psychic and she told me that I wont have another preterm baby. She said there was an evolved soul just waiting for me, but I cannot accept it yet.. In other words I'm not going to fall pregnant til I clear my emotional shit.. I think I need to let go of my guilt.. I'm going to work on it...
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
I only had 1 bad experience.. 1 person (a male) saw me and asked if I had kids yet.. I thought he may have known but obviously he didn't, anyway, I said Yeah I did have twins 2yrs ago, but they were premmie and died.. He said "Oh well, 2yrs, you'd be over it by now wouldn't you"
I laughed and said sarcastically "Yeah, it only takes 2 yrs to get over when your kids die" He said "Oh well, you know what I mean, you're alright" I just nodded and said dryly "Yeah, I'm alright" and changed the subject.. I was pretty proud of myself, if something like that had been said a year ago I probably would have thrown my champagne in his face and abused him! Lol Now at least I can laugh at his utter ignorance!
I also find it amusing that because I went through this traumatic experience of losing my children, people ask if I am going to try again.. Some are shocked when I say yes without a doubt.. Of course I'm scared, but I want to be a Mum.. Nothing will change that for me.. Maybe it does for some though....
Anyway, apart from that ignorant comment, Yay for my Mummy brag, but I also found it was a trigger in other ways. I saw a girl there, a daughter of someone at the party. Last time I saw her she was literally a child.. Now she is 22 with 3 kids! It kind of made me sad that I was my age and still childless.. My babies should have come on this holiday with me.. When I was on the plane I kept visualising what it would have been like, taking my 2yr old twins down to meet people they had never seen before. I wished they were here to show off.. But they aren't so I just thought about them, and talked about them lots instead..
All in all I had a great weekend. Things are going pretty well at the moment, I still get sad (of course) and I hate TAFE, but I am feeling ok about my life, which is always a good feeling :)
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Well, Mummy did it! I made it through another year without you.. I wish so much that you were here with me, being cheeky little 2yo ratbags.. I miss you so much, and not a single day goes by where I don't think of your precious little faces.. I wonder what you would have looked like, how your little personalities would shine. I wonder what life would have been like as your Mummy. I hate that you couldn't stay. As each year passes I feel further and further away from you.. I want time to stop.. I want to go back to when you were alive. I have never been so proud in my life. Taite James and Seth David, my little twinnys.. So tiny, so perfect. Thank you for choosing me to be your Mummy. I miss you xx
I wish I could brag about my son's without other people freaking out. I am a mother to the most precious boys in the world. I wish I was acknowledged like that. I don't want to be labelled 'strong' I don't want people to wonder how I get out of bed every day, I just want to be acknowledged as a Mum to beautiful twin boys who were too perfect to stay..
I don't have new photo's to show, I never will. I don't have new stories, but the stories I do have are so special and I am willing to relieve those 24wks of pregnancy and 12 days of being a mummy over and over. I felt many emotions during that time, but I have never been so happy as I was when my twins were alive..
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