Today a friend of mine was speaking about when her daughter was a baby.. She spoke about breast feeding. That is 1 thing I really wish I got to experience with my babies.. I mean, I am greatful that I got to hold my babies alive, change their nappies. I got to bath them, (even though they had died by then)and they did have my milk but it was through a tube.. :( For months after they died I dreamt about breastfeeding them.. I just wish I got the chance.. Then thinking about missing out on that makes me think of the other things I have and will miss out on for the rest of my life.. Their smiles, crawling, walking, talking, their CUDDLES!!! I just miss them and wish they were here. I love you Taite and Seth, Mummy misses you EVERY DAY!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Not much to say. It was my birthday on Friday.. 29 years old.. Last year of my 20's!! I had a good time. But that thought was always there Although I am having a good time, it still should be different, I should have my babies here with me That is a thought that is never going to go away.. Ever! No matter what I am doing.. I miss my babies so much.. I wonder what they would be like now, what they would be doing and just how different my life would be.
I am proud of myself though. I have come a long way and my grief, although is always there and is always strong, it doesn't define me. I could still let it, and sometimes I do, but I really really want to be happy and I am doing my best to take the appropriate actions to do that. I hope my babies are proud of the person I have grown into, and although I hate to admit it, maybe if they hadn't had died, this wouldn't have happened.. Maybe them dying did give me this gift.. Even if it did though I would prefer the gift of motherhood! But I am trying to take control of the things I have control over and let myself be happy..