So we have moved house and I haven't got a proper cabinet or bookshelf to put my babies memorial stuff and ashes on. I have set up the stuff on a little table and corner unit, and I'm happy with it, it looks good BUT then I realised that behind them is a power point with the cables we run to the TV/DVD player. My 1st thought was, if there was an electrical fault at that power point, their stuff would go 1st in a fire. I can't stand that, I can't stand the thought of losing their stuff forever, even if it is an unlikely event. So they have to be moved and I don't know where. Also I have to get Jade to move them, as i have to stay resting.. Why are these things so hard. I wish i was just setting up clothes and toys in their own rooms, not their ashes and memories :(
Last night i read the journal I kept when Taite and Seth were in NICU.. I shouldn't have. It was really painful to read, but I think it also affected me subconsciously because I woke up this morning feeling like shit. I mean REALLY feeling like shit.. It's amazing to read, what we went through. There are a lot of things I would do differently,if I had another NICU baby, but then again I don't know until I have to face the situation. I'm praying I never have to.
It was strange reading the joy of a new mother in the early days. The joy I felt when their 1st lot of brain scans came back clear. I could feel joy oozing from the page. Unfortunately i felt the same reading the sad parts. I could feel it, and I was back there making that awful decision of whether my son's would live or die. Then the pain of living after their death. I just can't believe that this happened. That it's real. It happened to us. Our son's died at 12 days old.. I wont be exposing myself to the reality of the story again for quite sometime. I think for the moment although of course I know every day that my son's died, I don't feel that raw grief like I did. i just can't go there at this stage of my life.. It's like I'm in some sort of denial..