Wow! 3 years have passed since my firstborn sons were brought into this world. Sometimes it feels like forever, other times like yesterday.
We had a nice day today. Debbie and Jeff from Bonnie babes came up and brought us balloons to release, and make beautiful cupcakes :) Mum, Deb, Jeff and I went to Newfarm park. It was so beautiful and the weather was perfect. We sat down first and had a cuppa and chat then let the balloons go. The balloons always stay together. I like to imagine them playing with their balloons with their many angel friends. I put on my FB status that although I try to imagine my babes as the 3 year olds they would be, they are still my newborn babies that I held in my arms. I wish so much they were still here. I think about them every day. Sometimes I remember their journey so clearly, other times, I think it's too painful to let my mind think about. Their birthday though is always a celebration. It's a happy day for me, the day they were born. I'm so proud Taite and Seth chose me to be their Mama. They brought so much to my life. They made me a Mother.
Taite and Seth, Mummy is thinking about you all the time. As it creeps up to your 3rd birthday I can't believe it has been that long. I miss you and wish you were here. We are hoping to get to a park to release balloons up to you so you have something to play with. I am so proud of you both and I'm sure you are holding your brother's hand as he struggles through.. I love you my sweet angels. xx
My babies 3rd birthday.. Wow, I never expected to spend their birthday in the NICU with their baby sibling. I can't believe how fast time has gone, but also how much it can feel like yesterday.
I think with Jett here and so much going on I haven't been able to let my mind think about the twins too much.. I do think of them and miss them everyday still, but I mean the fact that they died right here in the hospital I'm in everyday.. I think if I let my mind go there I would have some sort of breakdown with the stress, grief etc..
I had a dream the other night that I was trying to tell people about taite and Seth and no one would listen. When I woke up, I knew I had to let my mind acknowledge the feelings that were deeply buried. If I was at home right now, without anything else to focus on I would probably be a wreck, but the mind has an amazing coping mechanism..
I am not sure what to do on Taite and Seth's birthday. I wanted to go to Burleigh Hill like I did last year and do a balloon release, but this year I can't.. I feel a bit guilty in a way that this year their birthday isn't about them because it is still all about Jett. I comfort myself by thinking that the twins are looking after their baby brother and they know that I am right where I need to be. Once Jett is home, I will go back to having Taite and Seth time. Monthly support group meetings and proper memorial celebrations for them. I miss my support group meetings, I miss talking about my boys. I do talk about them though, a lot of the nurses that look after Jett were here when the twins were and they all remember us :) I also tell other Mums about them, although I think it makes the other Mums uncomfortable. (I don't tell Mums of bubs under 25wks gestation, because I am I will make the possibility of death more real for them, which I don't want to do)
I miss Taite and Seth so much, I am so proud of my beautiful boys.. They were strong, they were fighters. People seem to forget that I think sometimes..
I love you Taite and Seth, you are never far from my thoughts and always in my heart xx
ETA: I just realised that my other website is working again yay!! Click on the picture of the twins together if you haven't seen my memorial website.