Monday, November 23, 2015

Happy 7th birthday my babies!

Well, it was the twins birthday on Saturday. As planned I did a butterfly release.... Well tried anyway. I had a company recommended by another baby loss Mama, so I emailed him and had the delivery organised.. So Friday I was out for lunch with my dad who is up from NSW and I got a text message that I'd missed the delivery. Anxiety immediately set in, but I had also warned myself to expect the unexpected and not get my hopes up, so I remained as calm as I could. Later that day I received a text that they were at the local pick up centre, so feeling relieved I went to pick them up.

It was strange picking them up.... It took me back to when I first lost them. I went through pregnancy and labour yet all I get are these butterflies, so I felt a little emotional. Anyway, the next day we went to the chapel as planned. I had a good friend there to take some photos, my Mum, my partner and of course my Earthside Miracle. The plan was I would release the first 2 butterflies and Jett would release the next 2... So with my friend and her camera at the ready, we opened the first box.... The butterflies were dead. If this had happened 5 years ago I probably would have lost my shit totally. Instead, we just all looked at each other and started laughing.. OMG, lucky I didn't get my hopes up too much! I did feel sorry for the butterflies though.. I had stopped doing balloon releases due to the environmental issue and now I'm getting dead butterflies! Yeah not how I'd planned it! So then came the 2nd box... In that box one was alive.. It was really beautiful, it flew out and hung around for a while. My friend got some nice photos, so at least all was not lost. Not as expected, but it was still quite nice. I don't think we'll do it again though... I have another year to come up with some more ideas!

It was a really hot day, so we went back home, drank nice champagne and had a nice swim. A couple of my friends popped around throughout the day and it really was such a beautiful celebration of the day I became a Mummy. That is one thing the that death will never take away. Taite and Seth were my 1st born sons and they made me a Mummy.

Today I crashed and burned a little. Time has gone so fast it's insane. I still struggle with the fact that having babies so prematurely has taken away my choice to have more children, but I am so incredibly grateful I have 1 living miracle. We speak about his brothers often, although he hasn't quite got the meaning yet he will eventually. He sang happy birthday to his brothers and he cuddles Taite and Seth's puppies that they got when they were born. It's nice that Jett cuddles something that did actually touch the twins. The puppies are named Taite and Seth and Jett cuddles them saying, "I'm hugging my brothers" It is so cute!!!

The lead up to their birthday wasn't too emotional. I still worked and functioned like normal... Something that after they first died, I wasn't sure I was ever able to do. I still love and miss them every day though.

Taite James & Seth David, Forever in my heart xxxx

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

A 6 month anniversary..

I'd been feeling really shitty around the beginning of this month. I put it down to PMS... Then I realised the date.. It was around the 3rd of June. 6 and a half years exactly since my babies died... Funny, how subconsciously dates can affect you. A similar thing happened around March/April (March would have been Taite and Seth's due date).. I hadn't been to a baby loss support meeting in a long time, but I felt the need to go. It was strange. I didn't know why I needed to go, or even if I'd get anything out of it. I went anyway. Driving there I got that nervous feeling I used to always get. Butterflies and a little anxiety. It was a different group as Bonnie Babes doesn't run anymore. I felt excited to tell my story to people who had never heard it before, but still felt apprehensive. I have found it hard to share my story the further time goes on, which seems strange, but it is what it is and I don't know why.

So I went to this meeting. Th woman that ran the meeting was a psychologist. I found that strange as I'd only really ever had peer support. The women that went were both pregnant (I had been told this before I went) and it had been about a year since they lost their babies. It was so strange, hearing the clarity in the way they told their story. Their memories were still so fresh... It is really strange to think about how much I have forgotten. At the time, you never think you will, but you do... 6 years along and some memories have faded... It makes me sad in some ways, but I also recognise that it's part of moving on. It's a protective mechanism. Grief brings me closer to my boys, but I couldn't stay in deep grief forever, so it really is a double edged sword.

So the meeting was god. I'm glad I went, but I haven't been since. I might go this month if I'm not working.

Another wave of grief has hit this month. I think about Taite and Seth every day, it it doesn't really make me sad, as such, they are just part of my life. I can tell when the wave hits though because I can't think of them without feeling sad...

It's still hard to believe sometimes that this is my reality.. I have birthed 3 children, but only have 1 here (Who I'm sooo incredibly grateful for!)

I don't write much anymore. Especially here. Partly due to time, partly due to the fact I don't know what to say. I've been saying the same thing for 6 and a half years now. I read another babyloss blog last night and her words resonated with me.. She pretty much said a similar thing, she doesn't write anymore because she's only repeating herself. "I miss you, I love you" What else is there to say?

I'm planning to do a butterfly release this year for their birthday. I must get my act together though... The time always creeps up on me, but if I want to do this I need to plan ahead!

I had a photo pendant of Taite and Seth, which broke, so I bought something similar. I love it. I love having them close to me in SOME way. The only way I can.

Taite and Seth, Mummy loves you and wishes you were here. I wish I could know who you'd grow up to be. Instead I just hope that you 2 are watching down on your little brother and I and know that you will be forever in our hearts. Mummy loves you.

About Me

I am a Nurse and Mama to 2 Angels and a premmy Miracle