Tuesday, December 25, 2012
I'm writing this letter as I'm feeling a little blue. I hope you don't think I'm asking too much of you. You visit every year and leave us such wonderful things, but I'm wondering if you visit all the children who have wings?
I know you are very busy, so much to do in one night, but could you please make an extra trip to the stars that shine so bright?
You see my baby lives up there, just too perfect for life on earth, no presents I could send to truly show their worth.
Please leave them a gift and put a stocking on their cloud, filled full of precious presents from their family on the ground.
Please stroke their sleepy head and tell my baby I love them so, that my heart aches with sadness and my tears just seem to flow.
If you could do this for me Santa, I may even be able to smile, even if it is just for a little while. So thank you very much Santa for all that you do, after all it is Christmas in heaven too.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Wow, it is the 2nd of December..
21st of November it was what would have been Taite and Seth's 4th Birthday. My babies would have been 4 years old. Wow. I can't believe that much time has passed.
The day was nice. Mum, Baby Button and I did a balloon release. I normally get blue ballooons, but I got red this year, as I was told you can see them for longer in the sky. Unfortunately it was so bloody windy, one of the balloons popped before we let them go, then when we did let them go they got stuck in the tree :/ We tried to get better pics but it didn't happen lol
The last 13 days have been better than previous years. I have been on a nice holiday and with Baby Button around, I have a very very good reason to smile. I always wish his big brothers were here though, running around and playing. I wish I knew what they were like. In looks and personality. I see Baby Button and wonder if they would all be similar.
So tomorrow is the anniversary of their death. 4 years since my babies died. 4 years since I last held them. Felt their soft skin and smelt their baby smell. If I had just one more day... If I had just one more day I would have more photos. I'd have skin to skin with them.. I'd put some breastmilk on their lips and around their mouths so they could be familiar with me. I'd drink them in even more than I did.
I DIDN"T GET ENOUGH FUCKING TIME WITH THEM. It isn't fair.. I want more of everything, but most of all I wish they were here. My perfect little 4 year old boys.
Taite and Seth, I love you and I always will. I miss you xx
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
I miss Taite and Seth so much. I can't believe it's coming up to their 4th birthday! I am planning a balloon release, hopefully Mum will be here for it too :)Not a day goes by where Taite and Seth aren't thought of.. I often picture them hovering above, perfect angels, sprinkling angel dust that symbolises love and protection..
Love you my Sons xxx
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Monday, July 9, 2012
As we were driving to the airport there was the most beautiful rainbow. My boys were with me. All of them. At the airport Jett and I looked out the window and I just knew that Taite and Seth were saying "It's ok Mummy, we're here"On the way back We had a window seat on the plane. Sure enough, just before take off I saw another rainbow. I watched as another plane took off towards it. My boys were there with me again...
Rainbows had never really been significant before. In the baby loss world surviving babies born after the death of a baby are often called 'Rainbow babies' Sure enough, the weekend Jett was conceived, I was standing out on the balcony and viewed a small rainbow streaking through the dark clouds.. I hoped that was a sign, and low and behold it was. Ever since then, rainbows have become a sign of my boys.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Friday, March 23, 2012
Friday, February 17, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
I miss my twins so much still. I always think of what could have been. I love to imagine a life where my twins are running around being crazy boys, playing with each other, then imagine what they would be like with Jett once we're home.. I am exposed to twins every day in the hospital.. They are everywhere and I have become friends of some of the parents. It's hard sometimes. I want my twins.. I want to know what it's like to be a mother to twins. I feel sad that they aren't here. I feel sad that I couldn't take them home. I have come a looong way in my grief though. I honestly do think Jett has been part of that healing. The twins are my past and Jett is my future if that makes sense....
Dear Taite and Seth,
Mummy loves you and thinks about you two all the time. I hope you are having fun up there! Thank you so much for being awesome big brothers to Jett and keeping a close watch on him. I wonder if he can see you. He stares at your picture for hours.. I think you have a communication between you. I like to think that anyway.. I love you my babies. No matter what happens you will always be in my heart. I Miss you. xxx
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