Tuesday, December 5, 2017

9 years

9 years... I didn't cry on their birthday, I have forgotton so many little things I never thought I would. There were so many moments that were so emotional, so intense, so indescribable, I thought I'd never forget.... But 9yrs later I have forgotten so many. Those moments are now only connected through grief.... So I am grateful for it's intensity. I'm grateful that grief reflects love... and that will never leave me. I will forever grieve. I am a mum of 3 and my first borns died.
I will never forget the love that I feel for my baby boys...
♡Taite and Seth ♡ (21.11.08 ~3.12.08)
"If love could have saved you, you never would have died"

The above is what I posted to FB... Trouble is, I haven't felt connected to my grief. I feel like it's a protection. The memories aren't so fresh anymore so I feel like to REALLY connect I have to tap into a locked box in my brain... And I haven't had time to do that. Life is busy.

I can feel it in other ways though. I can't sleep and I'm feeling a bit more anxious, hypervigilant and fearful. I feel like until I have a good cry, I wont release my emotions properly. There was a time when I didn't have a choice. The tears would simply fall and were incredibly beyond my control. I don't know what is better. I'm glad I'm not a crying mess. Glad I can work, glad I can function, but I still need to release these very real emotions... Sometime. I see my psychologist Thursday, so maybe it will be then.

I usually go to a support meeting around this time of the year but this year I didn't make the time. We had so much going on. I don't know if it would have helped. I don't know how to grieve this far along.

On the twins birthday this year I went xmas shopping, to the drs... Just normal stuff. I wasn't frightened of being in public in case I broke down. Early on, I avoided seeing other children or babies. I didn't do that at all this year.

We did go out for dinner though and had a cake. Jett blew out the candles and sang Happy Birthday which is always cute.

This morning Jett woke up crying saying he missed Taite and Seth. Strange thing is, I haven't even mentioned their anniversary which was on Sunday, so I'm not sure what that was about. That kid is so smart and in tune.

We still haven't gotten around to see the binary stars I name last year! It depends on the weather, so it's hard to plan. Now it's storm season again we can't. I'm sure we'll get there 1 day.

So we're almost at the end of another year. I wish I blogged more, but it takes time and energy and I don't always want to unlock that box in my brain that holds all my big feelings. It can be too hard to lock away again...

Well, that wraps up another blog post til probably same time next year...

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

8 years!!

Well another birthday, Christmas,  Easter and Mother's day gone without my babies. Not that they would be babies anymore. 8 years old! The last birthday was the first birthday I didn't do anything.... I can't really remember what I did... Anyway,  I was ok with it. I did name binary stars though. We haven't had a chance to see them yet. I was sent a certificate with the co ordinates, but they sky has to be very clear. Maybe in the next couple of weeks.  Jett would be excited. He knows his brothers are in the stars and speaks of them often.

My grief has changed so much, my life has changed so much, but nothing will change my endless love for my beautiful boys. I wish they were here. I wish I had 3 children here (although I'd probably go mad!!). I ♡ you Taite & Seth. Forever in my heart beautiful babies xx

About Me

I am a Nurse and Mama to 2 Angels and a premmy Miracle