One of the hardest things about my relationship ending is knowing for a fact I have no chance of being pregnant. I want to be a Mum to a living baby so much. I know I'm young, my time will come blah blah blah but I want it now.. I should be a mum to 2 beautiful boys, running around, causing mischief. I wish I wasn't maternal at all.. I really wish the desire would just go away. Sometimes it's bearable, other times the desire is so overwhelming and it is so hard to be patient. Another year til I have finished my nursing and until I'm 30, but I hope by then I will have some sort of plan in place and be closer to my dream of being a mum again..
I have had 2 conversations in the last couple of nights that have made me really think.. Convo 1: I was at a friends house and she was having a 'make up work shop' She had 3 other ladies there who I had never met.. Fast forward to 1 of them leaving and the host (my friend) walks her out..
Meanwhile I am at the table with 2 other women who know each other.. Convo between them is all about schooling etc then suddenly 1 turns to me and says "What school do your kids go to?" I thought, Fuck am I really old enough to have school kids? Oh shit of course I am!! Then replied the horrid "I don't have kids..." Then quickly went on to say "I did, I had twins, but they were born premmie and only survived for 12 days....... bla bla bla.." Well one of the women turned away horrified and started a new convo with the hosts hubby, but the other lady spoke about it. Asked how I felt talking about them, then looked at pics on my phone etc.. It was nice.. The thing that really struck me was that lady 1 who turned away, didn't have a clue about my babies (and probably never will) but the other lady, not only asked 1st how I felt about speaking about them, but then was happy to speak about them with me.. She had the honour of seeing their pics and knew it was an honour. She thanked me for sharing my story.. Which was nice..
Anyway Convo 2: A friend I have known for 17yrs called me and I was speaking about my nursing course and she said : "You know, I never thought you would do this" I asked her why, thinking it was due to my total laziness or lack of motivation but her response was : "I thought you would be a Mummy and thats what I thought you would be, for at least the next 10 yrs" And again that slap hit me and I thought yeah, I did too :( But I'm not. I am a nursing student working towards being a Mummy.. And that will have to do for now.. :(
Well I moved again today.. I am so over fucking moving! THIS time, I hope it's the right place! I have been so up and down emotionally. I can't stand being unsettled! I hate it! I have exams exams exam.. Yuk.. I had exams the other day and I am pretty sure I failed one of my exams.. There is always the resit, but with everything that has been going on it has been so damn hard to focus and study :(... Anyway, time to focus on exams and try to accept that life throws shit at you and if it hits you and knocks you down you just have to get back up!! So, hopefully, things might go my way! I moved most of my stuff today and am spending my 1st night in my new house.. Taite and Seth are set up on my TV cabinet, so they have their space! (Always 1st priority) and I am just playing on the computer in between unpacking.. Also off subject but I wanted to thank my gorgeous friend KATHI from www.butterfliesandkittens.blogspot.com for the beautiful quilting block she made for me.. I can't wait to get it! :)
It had to come.. I knew it would.. I have been seperated for just over 2wks and it's fuckin hard! I miss my babies and I miss their father.. The amount of grief I am feeling is overwhelming. I feel so depressed, stressed, anxious, teary.. I try to keep reminding myself I wont always feel like this. I am just sad, and I am back to living life 1 minute, 1 hour, 1 day at a time.. I just want this to pass and quickly. I don't feel like I can cope with much more. I have had enough of my shit life. I deserve to be happy so why the fuck does it feel impossible. There's always something.. I'm sick of waiting to be happy..I am trying to take positive steps and make positive life choices but I AM HURTING AND NEED THIS PAIN TO STOP!!
Happy Mothers day to all my babylost Mama friends! It is such a sad day when you are a childless mother. Today was good though I went and had lunch with Kathi from www.butterfliesandkittens.blogspot and we talked about our children. It was so good being able to talk about Taite and Seth so freely, not worrying about whether it made anyone uncomfortable. It was like we were just 2 mothers talking about our kids. (Which mothers of living children do all the time!)It was really good. I miss my babies so much and it really sux not having them here. But it was good to talk about them.. Now, even though I should be studying, I'm not going to, I am going to lay down with my pussy cat Jazz and watch DVDs! :)