Sunday, September 19, 2010

Sharing my story

So, on my parenting forum, one of the administrators put out a call to members to share a story. So I put my hand up to share my story about loss..

They are going to have something called Member Monday, where each Monday a member shares a story (not particularly about loss) So I got the details and tonight e mailed my story, pretty much the same as what is on my website..

I wonder how it will be received, as a lot of members may have read it, and the ones who haven't may have done so by choice?? I am hoping though that it may help members who may have recently had a loss..

I feel I have a lot to give in telling my story. There was so much to it. It wasn't that I had a baby and it died.. There was the fact I had twins, they were premmie, they survived in NICU for 12 days and the one that I wish I had been able to read IT GIVES AN ACCOUNT OF HOW IT FEELS TO MAKE THE DECISION TO TURN OFF YOUR BABIES LIFE SUPPORT! The hardest decision ever.. To know, that day that your baby is going to die. To know that this is the last hold you are ever going to have while your babies are alive.. That's powerful emotion and I want to share it, because I am sure it is more common than we think, but it is one thing that is not spoken about.. I suffered guilt for months, wondering if I had made the right decision and it was very very hard for me to find someone that related to that.. I hope I can help someone with my story.

I must admit it also has come at a good time for me in my grief as I am feeling very far away from my babies as more time passes.. This may just be my opportunity to remember them and have that closeness with them again through the grief. It also reminds others that I am a Mummy, I have had 2 beautiful son's that have made my world a different place..

I don't know how much sense that post makes but it makes sense to me.. I love and miss my babies so much and I can't believe that they would be almost 2!!

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Fathers day...

I am wondering how Jade is feeling today. Wondering if he is thinking about the fact he should be spending today with 3 children not just 1.. I wonder if he even cares that it's fathers day. I know he is not as sentimental as me.. Surely he is thinking of the twins today though.. I hope so. They deserve to be missed. I miss them. I miss them so much.. My life is about to take another positive step, I passed my exams so begin placement in the hospitals this week. It's great, I am proud of myself andd how far I have come, but I miss my babies. I wish I was a mother to my boys, not studying to be a nurse. I still feel ripped off. It was their brothers 6th birthday last week, he had a great party, but the twins were missed by me that day too. I kept thinking how they should have been there and how much fun they would have had. I wish I could see Jacob with his brothers. No words can ever express what I feel.. Saying I miss them isn't enough.. I can't describe how I feel about being a childless mother. The more time that passes, the more I learn to live with it. But it's also longer since I held them and saw them.. I feel like they are further away from me with each day that passes. I found this poem today and thought I would post it although it still doesn't explain how I am feeling as a childless mother.

A thousand tears or more these eyes have cried
and a thousand more lay in wait -
I am bathed with them
and yet my heart is still broken,
and all that is within me aches
with the loss of you, the wanting of you.

There is never a time for this that is right-
never a way that can prepare the heart
for this reft -you have passed through
my arms too soon, like sand flowing through fingers
I could not hold you here, though
I would try.

I know that your spirit flies free
and in the quiet depths of my heart, I can see you still
in the rhythm of the waves upon the shore
in the crisp fall air that fills my chest,
in the iridescent gleam of each dragonfly
skimming the surface between heaven and earth.

About Me

I am a Nurse and Mama to 2 Angels and a premmy Miracle