Sunday, September 5, 2010

Fathers day...

I am wondering how Jade is feeling today. Wondering if he is thinking about the fact he should be spending today with 3 children not just 1.. I wonder if he even cares that it's fathers day. I know he is not as sentimental as me.. Surely he is thinking of the twins today though.. I hope so. They deserve to be missed. I miss them. I miss them so much.. My life is about to take another positive step, I passed my exams so begin placement in the hospitals this week. It's great, I am proud of myself andd how far I have come, but I miss my babies. I wish I was a mother to my boys, not studying to be a nurse. I still feel ripped off. It was their brothers 6th birthday last week, he had a great party, but the twins were missed by me that day too. I kept thinking how they should have been there and how much fun they would have had. I wish I could see Jacob with his brothers. No words can ever express what I feel.. Saying I miss them isn't enough.. I can't describe how I feel about being a childless mother. The more time that passes, the more I learn to live with it. But it's also longer since I held them and saw them.. I feel like they are further away from me with each day that passes. I found this poem today and thought I would post it although it still doesn't explain how I am feeling as a childless mother.

A thousand tears or more these eyes have cried
and a thousand more lay in wait -
I am bathed with them
and yet my heart is still broken,
and all that is within me aches
with the loss of you, the wanting of you.

There is never a time for this that is right-
never a way that can prepare the heart
for this reft -you have passed through
my arms too soon, like sand flowing through fingers
I could not hold you here, though
I would try.

I know that your spirit flies free
and in the quiet depths of my heart, I can see you still
in the rhythm of the waves upon the shore
in the crisp fall air that fills my chest,
in the iridescent gleam of each dragonfly
skimming the surface between heaven and earth.


  1. Heartbreaking Abby....they're beautiful. I know that yearning, the one that begs to have your arms filled with living, breathing babies again. I have it too...Sending you much love xo

  2. BAL - I am so glad you posted.... I have been thinking about you a lot lately....

    I know those feelings too, all too well. I have trouble with the concept of time passing.. since I held my babies. I often seek out people in their very raw new grief so I can reconnect with mine and then feel like I am back in those moments so connected with my babies.

    I am so proud of you for passing your exams... and on your placement. Hope it goes well.


  3. Hey there gorgeous - just wondering how your oncology placement is going? It's a touch area to work in, but I would suspect some of the patients resilence and strength can just be so inspiring.



About Me

I am a Nurse and Mama to 2 Angels and a premmy Miracle