Saturday, February 19, 2011

A bit of de briefing (a bit confronting)

Well, this post is a bit strange. I am about to post parts of my various responses in a forum discussion about whether babies should be resuscitated from 20wks.. It was stemmed by Poppi's Rule, a FB group campaigning to have this happen. It's funny how ok I feel at the moment, but how some things trigger such deep emotions. So here are some of my posts: (Some of them aren't full posts I just posted what is relevant to me and I didn't quote anyone else..)

I joined it.. My babies were JUST viable.. When I went into labour I was only 23wks (by date of 1st U/S) and my local hospital said I was not at the point of viability and were going to let me birth.. It was horrid to be told that just because of a 'date' my children weren't going to be given the chance to survive.. Luckily for me, I was under the care of another hospital and I was transferred up there and I stayed in labour til over 24wks.. So we got to choose whether the babies were rescusitated or not.. If anyone has read my story, (link in sig) you will know we chose that.. However we also chose later to cease their treatment.. My babies had 12 days of tubes, wires and ventilators and I feel guilty every day.. They died anyway, it sometimes seems like they went through all that for nothing.. On the other hand, I know they had the chance.. I know they knew their Mummy and Daddy loved them.. And selfishly, I am grateful I got to be a mummy for 12 days..

...My babies were past viability by 2 days and we still got the choice to resuscitate or not.. If we wanted to let nature take it's course that was ok. But selfishly, we wanted our babies saved. As I have said in my previous post I feel guilty for putting them through 12 days of hell, when at the end of the day they were said to have irreversible brain damage and to us it was the wrong thing to do to keep putting them through all that when they may have had what we deemed a bad quality of life..

But each side has it's bad.. I would have felt guilty not giving them a chance.. Even after we turned off their life support, I agonised for months if we had done the right thing.. I lie.. I regretted for months turning off their life support. I wanted them back, brain damaged or not.. I thought what kind of mother was I to not 'accept' my babies just because they were disabled.. But again on the other hand I did it for them.. I loved them and thats why I let them go.. I honestly have no idea what I would do if I was faced with the same situation.. As a mother, you do the best you can with what you know.. I knew I loved my babies and would be a good Mummy.. I feel guilty for many decisions and probably always will. The whole situation is FUCKED.. We need to prevent pre term birth

Not sure if my post made sense, obviously this is hugely emotional for me.. Also, I know it's not right to justify what babies go through medically, and I'm sure I have trauma scars that I don't even know about, but I was a very sick baby, I had a bad heart condition. As a bub, I had a nasogastric tube and was in and out of hospital. I had 2 surgeries, 1 open heart. I don't remember ANY of it.. As I said, it doesn't make it right to put babies through such trauma BUT if my babies had survived I would hope they could forgive me for what they went through..

...I think the same as you in some respect.. What my boys life would have been like had they survived with the brain damage would not be what I want. I would not want to be severly disabled.. Again not saying those who are have a low or no quality of life, it's what I deem I guess.. And with the twins it was about us and what we thought, and what we wanted. What we wanted for us and our sons and their older brother.. My partner didn't want our sons growing up looking at their older brother and cousins kicking a footy when they were stuck in a wheelchair not being able to MOVE let alone kick.. We had no idea how brain damaged they would be. Would they even be able to think? Really we don't know. Even before we turned off their life support I started grieving for my sons when I found out they had bleeding into their brain tissue. I was grieving for the chance to have a normal life, be a normal mother.. Does that make sense?? I totally understand what you are saying when you say by saving premmies we could be creating disabled children.. My babies were perfectly healthy, just born too soon. It was MY body that failed, not theirs. Had I carried to full term I am sure (never know ANYTHING for sure) but I am pretty sure they would have been healthy.. That just adds another guilt emotion into the mix because my body let me down..

I got 1 thing from reading over my posts.. I still hold an ENORMOUS amount of guilt.. I saw a psychic and she told me that I wont have another preterm baby. She said there was an evolved soul just waiting for me, but I cannot accept it yet.. In other words I'm not going to fall pregnant til I clear my emotional shit.. I think I need to let go of my guilt.. I'm going to work on it...

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

I got to do a bit of a Mummy brag on the w'end :)

On the weekend I went back to my hometown for a friends birthday party.. While I was there I caught up with my Mummy (Yay!) and many other people.. Some people I hadn't seen for 10yrs or more. Some people that knew I was a Mummy, ssome people that didn't.. Either way, I got to tell people about my beautiful boys to people that actually hadn't heard it before! I feel that EVERYONE knows about the twins, and because there's no new experrience or pics to show, I'm just telling people the same story, over and over.. It was nice to have a bit of a Mummy brag and to have people look at my pictures and tell me how beautiful my son's were.. I chose carefully who I showed the pics to because I knew I would get upset if I could see they were uncomfortable..

I only had 1 bad experience.. 1 person (a male) saw me and asked if I had kids yet.. I thought he may have known but obviously he didn't, anyway, I said Yeah I did have twins 2yrs ago, but they were premmie and died.. He said "Oh well, 2yrs, you'd be over it by now wouldn't you"
I laughed and said sarcastically "Yeah, it only takes 2 yrs to get over when your kids die" He said "Oh well, you know what I mean, you're alright" I just nodded and said dryly "Yeah, I'm alright" and changed the subject.. I was pretty proud of myself, if something like that had been said a year ago I probably would have thrown my champagne in his face and abused him! Lol Now at least I can laugh at his utter ignorance!

I also find it amusing that because I went through this traumatic experience of losing my children, people ask if I am going to try again.. Some are shocked when I say yes without a doubt.. Of course I'm scared, but I want to be a Mum.. Nothing will change that for me.. Maybe it does for some though....

Anyway, apart from that ignorant comment, Yay for my Mummy brag, but I also found it was a trigger in other ways. I saw a girl there, a daughter of someone at the party. Last time I saw her she was literally a child.. Now she is 22 with 3 kids! It kind of made me sad that I was my age and still childless.. My babies should have come on this holiday with me.. When I was on the plane I kept visualising what it would have been like, taking my 2yr old twins down to meet people they had never seen before. I wished they were here to show off.. But they aren't so I just thought about them, and talked about them lots instead..

All in all I had a great weekend. Things are going pretty well at the moment, I still get sad (of course) and I hate TAFE, but I am feeling ok about my life, which is always a good feeling :)

About Me

I am a Nurse and Mama to 2 Angels and a premmy Miracle