The little things..

Last night as I logged off my computer I noticed how beautiful my son's ears were. So little, so cute, so perfect. It's strange how sometimes things like that just catch your eye sometimes. I look at that picture of them together every day and it's the screen saver on my computer, but for some reason last night it was their ears that drew my attention. I miss those ears. I remember one of Seth's ears was squashed from him laying on it.. Very very cute. I miss you Taite and Seth. I wish you were here and we gave you the coolest names EVER!! :)

Just let me sleep...

I am awake at 11pm still. I am normally in bed early unless I am partying! For the last 3 nights I haven't been able to get to sleep til 1am or so. Then I wake feeling like shit.

I am feeling a bit down at the moment, with easter coming up, the the dreaded mother's day.. I just wish I could sleep til it's over and wake up pregnant. I want to be a Mum, but even if I had another baby this pain wouldn't heal.. I just don't know if I can deal with this for the rest of my life.. How can I do it? This will be my 3rd Easter without Taite and Seth and although my grief has improved on a day to day basis, these family holidays and anniversaries are still as hard as they were the 1st year. Only difference is I have an idea of what's coming and I know I have felt it before.. I just hate it. I hate that my son's aren't here with me, and I hate that I am not yet a mother when I should be.. :(

Why do due dates still bother me?

At first it was subconsciously. I was emotional, angry, irritable, missing the twins and felt that tugging at my heart that is the longing to be a mother.. Then I realised it is nearing what would have been the twins due date Their due date was March 11th 2009 they were due on this date, and it was 2yrs ago!.. This will be the 3rd of their due dates that I have been through.. I truly have no clue why it effects me so much.. Most bubs aren't even born on their due date!Anyway, today it's just the same story. I'm unhappy, I wish my babies were here,I feel unfulfilled.. Feeling like shit today.. Blah..

Missing my babies :(

Over the last week or so I have been really missing my babies and what should have been.. The good old 'Ripped off' feeling comes to mind. I think I have been wanting to distract myself so much that maybe I have been distracting myself too much. This is the 1st day I have been alone all day for ages. I have either been at TAFE or studying, or with friends studying. I think I still need my 'grief' time.. To tell myself thats it is still ok to grieve and be sad, rather than pushing it away because I have had my time grieving.

It still cuts me to the core when conversations come up about pregnancy or children and I don't join in. I sometimes would like to, but I don't want to join in like my babies are alive then have to explain that they aren't.. A conversation about pregnancy or birth for example.. I experienced it, but some people don't know that and its just assumed I don't have children, so I wouldn't want to talk about my experience and have someone say "oh you have children do you? How many" Or "How old are they?" Then for me to just deflate the whole conversation by the awful truth.. I don't want people to think I am saying it for sympathy. It was different in the 1st year as people recognised it was so raw, but now I think that people wouldn't understand and would have expected me to move on.. I don't know why I give a shit about what people think, but I do..

Anyway I am missing my baby boys so so much and wish they were here with me. :(

I started on my herbs from the natropath and have been on them for 10 days.. Will be interesting to see if they work.. Even if they do it wont change the fact that I lost my beautiful first born boys and I will always have a piece of my heart missing..

Dear Taite and Seth,

My baby boys, it has been 15 months since you gave me the most precious gift of being your mother. I wish so desperately that you were still here. I miss you more than I can even try to explain. I miss what should have been. I wish I could have watched you grow, seen you smile and laugh. I would have done my best to be the best mother to you, just like I am doing now. You still make me proud my babies. From the day I found out I was pregnant through to the day you were born and during those precious 12 days they remain the happiest and proudest moments of my life. I will love you and miss you forever, not a day goes by where you are not in my thoughts.

Love Mummy xx