Busy couple of weeks...

What a busy couple of weeks I have had.. Little J started school and i have started TAFE.. I am glad I am at a TAFE.. It's a great distraction, however everytime I start a new chapter in my life it is always bittersweet. As thrilled as I am to have this opportunity to do Nursing and as much as I enjoy going to TAFE, meeting new people etc, I still get the thought that it's not where I'm meant to be. I am MEANT to be raising my children. Taite and Seth. 15 month old twins that were born premmie, or 11 month old twins born when they were due. Either way I should be up to my elbows in nappies, washing, I should be awake all night getting up to them. I should be going to playgroups, not bereavement support groups, and the list goes on....... At this stage of my grief I am not a crying mess on the floor every day, but I think of them everyday and I miss them every day and the pain is always there.. I miss my babies and would rather have them here, but as they aren't I think I am doing the best that I can to bring positive things in to my life. And I am proud of that.. I so desperately want to be a mother. I am going to see a natropath on Friday.. She is well know as the Baby Maker and has a really high success rate apparently. Something like 90%. So I am hoping that I wont even make it through my 1st semester of nursing without having to defer it.

I would like to post a couple of poems that I got out of the SANDS newsletter this month. I have changed them a bit to suit my situation a bit more.

A baby Wanted (Marion Grimmett)

The loving
my babies so wanted,
born too soon,
My babies dying
What pain,
What loss,
What damage
For What?

Dreaming (Joy Blackburn)

There's a sadness in this living,
There's a pain that has no words,
There's a missing and a longing,
And a sob that can't be heard,
There's a grief that can't be spoken,
There's a wound that one can't see
There's a dreaming and a hoping
When from pain we can be free