Merry Christmas my sweet Angels

Considering this is my 4th Christmas without Taite and Seth, you'd think I'd know by now how painful it is.. I am missing my boys so much. I really wish they were here. Although it's painful, I am one of the lucky ones who got to wake up to my take home baby this morning. There was nothing sweeter and it truly makes this Christmas the best Christmas EVER!I feel so very very lucky, but my family will always be incomplete. This Christmas they would have been old enough to understand the excitement of Santa and presents. Their little faces would have lit up in amazement to see that Santa had been. Their little imaginations would have run wild as they tried to speculate how Santa actually got in and left the presents. *Sigh, I will get to see that one day with my beautiful rainbow baby, but it should be this year. Taite and Seth SHOULD be here. I SHOULD have 3 children with me this Christmas.. Taite and Seth will never ever be forgotten and they are forever missed.

Dear Santa,

I'm writing this letter as I'm feeling a little blue. I hope you don't think I'm asking too much of you. You visit every year and leave us such wonderful things, but I'm wondering if you visit all the children who have wings?

I know you are very busy, so much to do in one night, but could you please make an extra trip to the stars that shine so bright?

You see my baby lives up there, just too perfect for life on earth, no presents I could send to truly show their worth.

Please leave them a gift and put a stocking on their cloud, filled full of precious presents from their family on the ground.

Please stroke their sleepy head and tell my baby I love them so, that my heart aches with sadness and my tears just seem to flow.

If you could do this for me Santa, I may even be able to smile, even if it is just for a little while. So thank you very much Santa for all that you do, after all it is Christmas in heaven too.

Birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas..

Wow, it is the 2nd of December..

21st of November it was what would have been Taite and Seth's 4th Birthday. My babies would have been 4 years old. Wow. I can't believe that much time has passed.

The day was nice. Mum, Baby Button and I did a balloon release. I normally get blue ballooons, but I got red this year, as I was told you can see them for longer in the sky. Unfortunately it was so bloody windy, one of the balloons popped before we let them go, then when we did let them go they got stuck in the tree :/ We tried to get better pics but it didn't happen lol



The last 13 days have been better than previous years. I have been on a nice holiday and with Baby Button around, I have a very very good reason to smile. I always wish his big brothers were here though, running around and playing. I wish I knew what they were like. In looks and personality. I see Baby Button and wonder if they would all be similar.

So tomorrow is the anniversary of their death. 4 years since my babies died. 4 years since I last held them. Felt their soft skin and smelt their baby smell. If I had just one more day... If I had just one more day I would have more photos. I'd have skin to skin with them.. I'd put some breastmilk on their lips and around their mouths so they could be familiar with me. I'd drink them in even more than I did.

I DIDN"T GET ENOUGH FUCKING TIME WITH THEM. It isn't fair.. I want more of everything, but most of all I wish they were here. My perfect little 4 year old boys.

Taite and Seth, I love you and I always will. I miss you xx