Happy 5th Birthday my beautiful son's...

The anticipation of another birthday without my firstborns sucked, but as usual the lead up was worse than the day. The night before I felt good and in the morning I felt good. Waking up to Jett is just divine and makes me feel so lucky.

So tonight I have friends coming from NSW and our place was a pigsty so I dropped Jett at Mum's so we could clean in peace. Then I gathered Taite & Seth's urn, their puppies and some candles and Mum, Nae Jett and I went to the chapel.

It was even more beautiful than I remember. .. I had felt fine all morning but started to feel sick on the drive there. When we got there my breath was taken away. All the emotion but also beauty.

We took some pics by the lake then the woman arrived to show us through. Krista was lovely and said I could just call her whenever I wanted to come through again.

Mum and I both had tears but it was so nice. We got some really nice pics. After that we had lunch at the golf club.

That night, I lit their candles and we had a cupcake. Jett sang Happy Birthday it was the cutest thing everrrr!

Such a beautiful peaceful day, and we have found our new tradition.

♥Happy 5th birthday My Precious Sons, I can't believe how fast time has gone. Always loved, Never forgotten.

Time for Taite and Seth

On Thursday night I went to a bereavement support meeting. I have only been once since my rainbow has been born because I don't feel comfortable leaving him. Now that he's older though, I am thinking I might start going again.. Not every month, but just sometimes..

The meeting was good. (Well as good as a support group can be when you talk about dead babies) It felt good to tell the story of my beautiful babies to someone who had never heard it. I showed photo's of them that I still keep in my phone. I showed my tattoos of their tiny footprints.

It was really strange though listening to other people's stories.. I am so far along in my grief now compared to these poor people that have just lost their babies. You can see they are just in pure shock, sad, angry and all the other things you feel when your baby dies. It is when I see people so fresh in their grief I realise how far I've come.. I NEVER thought I'd function again, let alone smile and dare I say learn to actually LIVE and not just exist.. I left there feeling so glad I am not back there..Even though grief is everchanging, I still ride the waves and sometimes the waves are huge and crash over me leaving me struggling to get up,I guess It just really does feel different now??

I still have a lot of guilt.. I am on a prem FB page and sometimes you hear of all the 'miracle stories' of the babes that had grade IV brain bleeds and they are healthy children now.. It's really hard to read.. It's hard to read all the 'Never give up' messages.. I don't like to think I gave up.. Logically I don't think I did.. But, I guess it depends what day you catch me on.. Some days are better than others..

I don't post a lot here anymore, I am part of a close knit bereavement group on FB so I post in there if I feel I need to. I should really post here though, as I like to think that I may be helping someone who publically comes across this blog for whatever reason.. I never would have got through without the support I recieved online and through the support group.. Baby loss can be so isolating.. Unless you have been through it, you don't understand, no matter how hard you may try. That's the reason I started this blog, to try and give back and let a newly bereaved family know they are not alone... Anyway, I'll wrap it up there.. I'll be back :)