Taite and Seth's 6th birthday.... How my grief has changed.

November 21st was my twins 6th birthday. It was a nice day. Mum and I took a nice walk around the chapel, then went for a yummy lunch. I picked the kids up from school and day care and we had a swim then did a cake with sparklers. I got a really gorgeous video
of Jett singing Happy birthday.

I didn't cry. I don't speak about them as often as I used to and when I do, it's not with the same intensity. Things have changed. I love them and they are very much a part of the family. Their 'stuff' is around. They're brother knows about them. But yes, there are many layers added to what was once intense grief.. I am now parenting living children, I'm back at work, I'm studying and yes, life is happening. I felt so guilty, so alone. Confused by this change. I feel I don't fit in. I'm not a mother who has ever lost a child, but I'm a mother that is not in the intense early stages of grief either... I don't need to feel guilty, because this is a natural progression, but somehow I do. "You're grief is as deep as your love" I still love them. That will never change, and some days I can be hit by a an unbearable wave of grief, but those days are few and far between now, but does that mean that I love them less? I've read some blogs from parents who have lost babies around the same time and it does make my feelings seem 'normal'. I spoke to a friend who lost her babies over 10 years ago and she said she stopped crying probably around the 6 year mark. I guess it's just strange for me because I have never not cried on their birthday. Anyway, their anniversary is Wednesday, maybe I'll cry then??

Happy 6th Birthday my Angels

Wow, 6 years! I say it every year, but I can't believe it. Time goes so fast, yet can sometimes seem like yesterday. Today I am planning to visit the chapel their funeral was held at. It's so beautiful. Then have a nice lunch with Mum, then in the arvo do a cake, candles and balloons in the afternoon with the kids. Jett still doesn't understand, but I still talk about Taite and Seth all the time.

I wrote a birthday poem for my babies:

My Birthday Boys, up in the stars
6 years old, it's gone so fast
I really wish you were here on Earth
So we could help you celebrate the day of your birth.
Instead I imagine you both with your wings,
up in the stars with lovely things,
having a party with cake and balloons
while your angel friends sing you birthday tunes.
Mummy misses you and wishes you were here
I'd love nothing more than to hold you near
You're both in my heart and thought of every day
but today is special, cos it's your birthday!

I was actually really proud of that poem. I was looking for poems, but couldn't find one that 'fit'. A lot of poems now reflect the deep intense grief that is felt, or more focused on 'babies'. My babies wouldn't be babies anymore. This is really the first year I don't see them as babies like I did. It's strange though because I only knew them as babies, so I guess they always will be.

*TRIGGER WARNING, RAINBOW BABY AND PARENTING CHALLENGES ARE TALKED ABOUT*



It's amazing how grief changes over time. Parenting a living baby is really so exhausting. When Taite and Seth died, before I knew what it was like to actually parent a child 24/7 I put parenthood on a pedestal. I think my expectations were so high. I thought I'd be the perfect mother.... But I'm not. Some days I struggle, I get frustrated, tired and all the *normal* things that come with being a mum. This brings new challenges for me though. I was a mum for 3 years before I brought a baby home, yet I had no idea what it was like.

I feel so guilty. How can I want a break from my beautiful child that is here, yet cry and grieve for the ones that aren't. On hard days, I often find myself thinking that they died because I would have been a crap mum. The guilt, the guilt, does it ever go?

I do my best to parent all of my children. Today I even struggled with whether I should send Jett to day care or not.... I decided to though. I decided that Taite and Seth, although thought of often, they don't get 'time'. Time where it's all about them. I do talk about them still, but this far down the track I don't always mention them when asked how many children I have. Sometimes I even get uncomfortable talking about them, because I don't want to make people uncomfortable. Then I feel guilty for that. Anyway, I guess this is just something I have to live with. It is what it is and I need to go with it.

Anyway, enough of the depressing crap. I am going to get ready and celebrate the day I became a mum! The day 2 very special little boys entered the world and changed my life forever.

Taite and Seth, Mummy loves you so much. I hope where ever you are, you know my love for you will never fade. You will always be my firstborn sons. The day you died I lost a piece of my heart and I'll always miss you. Thank you for choosing me to be your Mummy. 'Some people only dream of Angels, I held 2 in my arms' xxxx