Taite and Seth's website..

I just discovered tonight that the twins memorial site has changed and for some reason some of the links can't be accessed.. I would like to fix it, but don't have the time. If anyone who reads this blog is tricky with websites I would love it if you could contact me because I would like to add links to this blog and combine the sites.. The links in particular that I would like to add are the poems and quotes and our story.. I am upset that I could have directed people to this site and not be able to access these parts..

On another note - I can't believe it is nearly Taite and Seth's 3rd birthday. I think about my beautiful angels all the time..

Thank you Taite and Seth for watching over your baby brother and your Mummy. I love and miss you so much xx

Nearly 3yrs..

I can't believe it's only a couple of months off what would have been Taite and Seth's 3rd birthday.. I hate thinking about what I have missed out on in that time.. Missing my babies so so much.. It's times like this the pain is still just too much to bare and I wish I could go to sleep and wake up from this nightmare.. I am so sorry my body failed you, my gorgeous son's..

Taite and Seth's special place in our home :)

The picture is a little unclear, I think because of the glass doors reflecting light.

Taite and Seth are back at 'home'

We ended up getting the glass diplay cabinet that all their stuff was in at my old house! Their stuff is all together, looking gorgeous, and importantly we have a space that is out of reach of little hands, which although doesn't matter now, it will one day.. I am loving their set up, I'd take a photo but it has mirrored backs so the light reflects and also you can see my reflection. It looks good and I love it when my babies stuff is set up 'just right'..

I miss you Taite and Seth.. You would be so big now and learning new things every day! I wish you were here. xx

Finding the right space for my babies..

So we have moved house and I haven't got a proper cabinet or bookshelf to put my babies memorial stuff and ashes on. I have set up the stuff on a little table and corner unit, and I'm happy with it, it looks good BUT then I realised that behind them is a power point with the cables we run to the TV/DVD player. My 1st thought was, if there was an electrical fault at that power point, their stuff would go 1st in a fire. I can't stand that, I can't stand the thought of losing their stuff forever, even if it is an unlikely event. So they have to be moved and I don't know where. Also I have to get Jade to move them, as i have to stay resting.. Why are these things so hard. I wish i was just setting up clothes and toys in their own rooms, not their ashes and memories :(

Opening old wounds..

Last night i read the journal I kept when Taite and Seth were in NICU.. I shouldn't have. It was really painful to read, but I think it also affected me subconsciously because I woke up this morning feeling like shit. I mean REALLY feeling like shit.. It's amazing to read, what we went through. There are a lot of things I would do differently,if I had another NICU baby, but then again I don't know until I have to face the situation. I'm praying I never have to.

It was strange reading the joy of a new mother in the early days. The joy I felt when their 1st lot of brain scans came back clear. I could feel joy oozing from the page. Unfortunately i felt the same reading the sad parts. I could feel it, and I was back there making that awful decision of whether my son's would live or die. Then the pain of living after their death. I just can't believe that this happened. That it's real. It happened to us. Our son's died at 12 days old.. I wont be exposing myself to the reality of the story again for quite sometime. I think for the moment although of course I know every day that my son's died, I don't feel that raw grief like I did. i just can't go there at this stage of my life.. It's like I'm in some sort of denial..

Working through the trauma..

Subsequent pregnancy briefly mentioned...

So this pregnancy has triggered lots and lots of memories, that although I remembered, they weren't something I consciously thought about for quite some time. I hoped that this blog would remain about Taite and Seth alone, but I am finding that impossible because as most of the pain I'm feeling, apart from just missing my babies, is actually triggered by this pregnancy. This far down the track when I think of my babies I think of what they brought to my life and I think of what could have been, however most of the trauma of the pregnancy, birth & neo natal time before they actually died had not been in the fore front of my mind..

Anyway, I have been back to the hospital a few times now which was hard. I had a suture put in on the 15th and today I had to tell a mid wife my full obstetric history. I'm just feeling a little drained I think. I have been wanting to post for a while, but I just don't have the energy. Maybe I'll come back when I feel I have more to say.