Merry Christmas my sweet angels

My darling Taite and Seth,

Merry Christmas my Angels. Mummy missed you so much. I hate so much that you aren't here for me to spoil at Christmas time. You would have been 3 this Xmas, an age where you really would have enjoyed the magic of Santa. I miss you everyday, but at Xmas I get so sad to be without my firstborn son's. I love you so much and will never stop loving or missing you. When you left a piece of my heart went with you. I hope you had a lovely Xmas, up there in the stars with your many angel friends.

Love always Mummy xxxxl

:(

I miss my babies so so much. They should be here and they're not. Life really fucking sux sometimes. I am so grateful I have another son who brings me so much happiness. I still miss them though.

Taite and Seth, Mummy will never stop loving you or missing you. "There's a hole in my soul that can never be filled, in my heart, you live on, always there, never gone"

Happy 3rd Angelversary my Babies

Dear Taite and Seth,

Wow, it's been 3 years. I can't believe it has been that long since I held you in my arms. I remember it like yesterday, walking into that isolation room, doing your cares 1 last time, watching on as you had a cuddle with your grandparents, then the time came. Daddy held Seth and I held Taite as they removed your ventilation. We lay with you as you took your last breaths and the colour drained from your tiny bodies.

You stopped breathing within about 4 mins of each other. Seth first, then Taite. I remember because you were born within 4 mins of each other. When we were sure all signs of life had gone, we left the room while the doctors took out your lines and declared your time of death.. I don't remember what time it was. Sometime in the early evening. When we came back in the nurses had positioned you beautifully, together, holding hands. You looked so at peace, so glad to be in your new world together. It was the only thing that made the experience bearable, was seeing you wrapped together looking so so peaceful.

We lay together with you for a little while, then we took you for your first big boy baths. We gently bathed and wrapped you, then left you together..

I saw you a couple more times before your cremation. The next day I saw you at the hospital before the funeral home came and took you. You were still laying together, looking like perfect little dolls.

Your funeral was on December 10th at a beautiful little chapel. How I wish I'd had photo's of that day. I didn't know, I didn't think I'd want to remember such a day. I regret that so much. It was a beautiful chapel and a beautiful service. Daddy and I released doves after it. The pictures would have been beautiful.

I don't remember how long after, we got your ashes back. A few days? A week? They were back before xmas. They are in a tiny silver urn with teddy bears. They always sit pride of place, along with your pictures, scrapbooks, candles and other various gifts we have received in your memory over the last 3 years.

The story of your life and death is very short, but the impact you have had on my life will last a lifetime. You have touched many many peoples lives and will continue to do so.

Not a day goes by where I don't wish you were here. I love you so so much my babies. Thank you for choosing me to be your Mother.

Always in my heart,

Love & miss you always, Mummy xxxxxx

Happy 3rd Birthday my gorgeous boys!!!

Wow! 3 years have passed since my firstborn sons were brought into this world. Sometimes it feels like forever, other times like yesterday.

We had a nice day today. Debbie and Jeff from Bonnie babes came up and brought us balloons to release, and make beautiful cupcakes :) Mum, Deb, Jeff and I went to Newfarm park. It was so beautiful and the weather was perfect. We sat down first and had a cuppa and chat then let the balloons go. The balloons always stay together. I like to imagine them playing with their balloons with their many angel friends. I put on my FB status that although I try to imagine my babes as the 3 year olds they would be, they are still my newborn babies that I held in my arms. I wish so much they were still here. I think about them every day. Sometimes I remember their journey so clearly, other times, I think it's too painful to let my mind think about. Their birthday though is always a celebration. It's a happy day for me, the day they were born. I'm so proud Taite and Seth chose me to be their Mama. They brought so much to my life. They made me a Mother.

I love you Taite and Seth, I miss you so much.

Missing my babes

Taite and Seth, Mummy is thinking about you all the time. As it creeps up to your 3rd birthday I can't believe it has been that long. I miss you and wish you were here. We are hoping to get to a park to release balloons up to you so you have something to play with. I am so proud of you both and I'm sure you are holding your brother's hand as he struggles through.. I love you my sweet angels. xx

2 weeks today til...

My babies 3rd birthday.. Wow, I never expected to spend their birthday in the NICU with their baby sibling. I can't believe how fast time has gone, but also how much it can feel like yesterday.

I think with Jett here and so much going on I haven't been able to let my mind think about the twins too much.. I do think of them and miss them everyday still, but I mean the fact that they died right here in the hospital I'm in everyday.. I think if I let my mind go there I would have some sort of breakdown with the stress, grief etc..

I had a dream the other night that I was trying to tell people about taite and Seth and no one would listen. When I woke up, I knew I had to let my mind acknowledge the feelings that were deeply buried. If I was at home right now, without anything else to focus on I would probably be a wreck, but the mind has an amazing coping mechanism..

I am not sure what to do on Taite and Seth's birthday. I wanted to go to Burleigh Hill like I did last year and do a balloon release, but this year I can't.. I feel a bit guilty in a way that this year their birthday isn't about them because it is still all about Jett. I comfort myself by thinking that the twins are looking after their baby brother and they know that I am right where I need to be. Once Jett is home, I will go back to having Taite and Seth time. Monthly support group meetings and proper memorial celebrations for them. I miss my support group meetings, I miss talking about my boys. I do talk about them though, a lot of the nurses that look after Jett were here when the twins were and they all remember us :) I also tell other Mums about them, although I think it makes the other Mums uncomfortable. (I don't tell Mums of bubs under 25wks gestation, because I am I will make the possibility of death more real for them, which I don't want to do)

I miss Taite and Seth so much, I am so proud of my beautiful boys.. They were strong, they were fighters. People seem to forget that I think sometimes..

I love you Taite and Seth, you are never far from my thoughts and always in my heart xx

ETA: I just realised that my other website is working again yay!! Click on the picture of the twins together if you haven't seen my memorial website.

Taite and Seth's website..

I just discovered tonight that the twins memorial site has changed and for some reason some of the links can't be accessed.. I would like to fix it, but don't have the time. If anyone who reads this blog is tricky with websites I would love it if you could contact me because I would like to add links to this blog and combine the sites.. The links in particular that I would like to add are the poems and quotes and our story.. I am upset that I could have directed people to this site and not be able to access these parts..

On another note - I can't believe it is nearly Taite and Seth's 3rd birthday. I think about my beautiful angels all the time..

Thank you Taite and Seth for watching over your baby brother and your Mummy. I love and miss you so much xx