Getting left behind..

I found out a couple of days ago that a couple from the Bonnie Babes support group that I go to are expecting again.. They have been going to Bonnie Babes a month less than me. I am so happy for them, I really am, but there is still that pang of jealousy. I wish it was me.. Actually, I wish I never had to go to Bonnie Babes. I wish Taite and Seth were born healthy and survived.. I miss my babies so much.. It got me to thinking though I wonder if it will make their daughter's birthday/angelversary easier to cope with? I wanted to be pregnant by the time Taite and Seth's birthday came, but on further thinking, I don't think it would matter. Maybe it would give more hope for the future, but there is no way it would take away the pain... A lot of the blogs I have been reading over the past year, now have a subsequent baby or pregnancy. It's hard not to feel left behind.. I am a little bit worried about how I will go at the meetings now. Bonnie Babes was like my safe house.. I really hope I can keep going without it hurting too much. I really don't want it to bother me, but I am scared it might. All I can do is just go and see how I feel. Then deal with those feelings as they happen.

I keep dreaming I am pregnant, and the weirdest dream I had was the other night I dreamed I had triplets! 2 boys and a girl.. But it was like the boys were Taite and Seth.. and although they were in NICU in my dream they were about 1yr old!! Since the boys died I have begged them to come and see me in my dreams.. Maybe they finally are :)

A little blog gripe...

This morning I had some time to spare.. I have my 7yr Old brother here from NSW playing with little J, before I take them for a swim.. Anyway, I came across a few new blogs this morning and I have 1 gripe. If you haven't been reading these blogs from the beginning, I find sometimes it is hard to get the full story of what happened. I just want to make sure that if someone comes across my blog they are able to find out the full story. I know some people are different but when I first lost the twins I wanted to find a story as similar to mine as possible.. I wanted someone that lost twins due to prematurity. I wanted someone who had made the horrible heartwrenching decision to turn off their babies' life support. Although everyone's experience is always different it can sometimes be so similar and come with similar feelings and especially in the first few months it is good to know you are not completely insane and not a total nut case.. I hope this post made sense.. Anyway just for good measure I will include the link for the boy's memorial site. It has the full story, pictures, and poems. It took me 6 months to complete and was a crucial part of my healing.. I am very proud of it. http://www.taiteandseth.webs.com/

Mother of Angel friends..

Since I lost the boys I have met a lot of special people online and through Bonnie Babes. Although I wish I never had to meet them under these circumstances, there are 2 ladies in particular that I know will remain friends for life. 1 of these ladies is Debbie from Bonnie Babes. Her thoughtfulness and selflessness blows me away sometimes. She has made me scrapbooks and given me special candles all out of her own time and money, just to honour my son's. Another one of these friends is Kathi Slee, from http://butterfliesandkittens.blogspot.com/ . She and her husband went to a Mother's (and fathers) Of Angels retreat in Melbourne, where they had a candle lighting ceremony and a balloon release. When Kathi got back she e mailed me some photos. She had done a balloon release for Taite and Seth. If you haven't lost a baby you probably wouldn't understand just how significant this is. It is so beautiful to know that someone else is taking the time to think of and honour your babies. So thank you Kathi, the photo's are beautiful.. :) I wish you never had to understand what this meant to me..

Just a bit of a ramble about grief..

In the morning is when my grief is still the strongest.. Particularly since Jade had gone back to work, Little J is at his Mums, I don't have a job and TAFE hasn't started yet.. I wake up with Jade then after he leaves is when my mind ticks over.. It's always too early for me to get up so I just lay there and think about what should have been.. How I should be a mother to beautiful twin boys, how I shouldn't have even 5 minutes to myself. Then my mind wanders to the NICU stay and their death.. That part of the morning is awful.. I am glad though that I don't feel that grief all day. When I think back, I have come SO far in my grief.. And when I have this horrible feeling in the morning, I have to remind myself that it will pass. I wont feel like this all day like I did at first.. I am looking forward to starting TAFE, to have a distraction again.. Don't get me wrong, I think of Taite and Seth ALL DAY EVERY DAY, it's just not with that awful feeling of sadness and grief.. I don't know how to describe it.. I hate the fact that this is, and will be the rest of my life.. In a way, I hate that I have learnt to live with it. I have no other choice, but it is not fair that I will always be a mother to dead babies..

13 months is not long in a lifetime, but I feel that I can't really speak about the babies or my grief anymore.. The fact that my babies didn't even get mentioned at Xmas really showed me that everyone has moved on.. I thought maybe we might have played Tears in Heaven for them like we did last year.. I guess last year they were so fresh in everyones minds. It's funny that I think of them as much now as I did then.. I don't even know where I am going with this. I guess my point is, although I am learning to live without my babies, it doesn't mean that I think of them any less. I still want to speak about them, I still want them remembered as part of our family.. I don't want them fading away like a distant memory, and that is what I feel is happening..

A mothers Love...

I found this quote on a memorial site for twin boys Logan and Brody born at 22wks and thought I would share it..

A mother's love persists beyond the grave, stronger than death enduring and everlasting. A mother's love persists. You ARE a mother, even in the physical absence of your children. You are a mother, because a mother's love persists