Missing my babies :(

Over the last week or so I have been really missing my babies and what should have been.. The good old 'Ripped off' feeling comes to mind. I think I have been wanting to distract myself so much that maybe I have been distracting myself too much. This is the 1st day I have been alone all day for ages. I have either been at TAFE or studying, or with friends studying. I think I still need my 'grief' time.. To tell myself thats it is still ok to grieve and be sad, rather than pushing it away because I have had my time grieving.

It still cuts me to the core when conversations come up about pregnancy or children and I don't join in. I sometimes would like to, but I don't want to join in like my babies are alive then have to explain that they aren't.. A conversation about pregnancy or birth for example.. I experienced it, but some people don't know that and its just assumed I don't have children, so I wouldn't want to talk about my experience and have someone say "oh you have children do you? How many" Or "How old are they?" Then for me to just deflate the whole conversation by the awful truth.. I don't want people to think I am saying it for sympathy. It was different in the 1st year as people recognised it was so raw, but now I think that people wouldn't understand and would have expected me to move on.. I don't know why I give a shit about what people think, but I do..

Anyway I am missing my baby boys so so much and wish they were here with me. :(

I started on my herbs from the natropath and have been on them for 10 days.. Will be interesting to see if they work.. Even if they do it wont change the fact that I lost my beautiful first born boys and I will always have a piece of my heart missing..

Dear Taite and Seth,

My baby boys, it has been 15 months since you gave me the most precious gift of being your mother. I wish so desperately that you were still here. I miss you more than I can even try to explain. I miss what should have been. I wish I could have watched you grow, seen you smile and laugh. I would have done my best to be the best mother to you, just like I am doing now. You still make me proud my babies. From the day I found out I was pregnant through to the day you were born and during those precious 12 days they remain the happiest and proudest moments of my life. I will love you and miss you forever, not a day goes by where you are not in my thoughts.

Love Mummy xx

Busy couple of weeks...

What a busy couple of weeks I have had.. Little J started school and i have started TAFE.. I am glad I am at a TAFE.. It's a great distraction, however everytime I start a new chapter in my life it is always bittersweet. As thrilled as I am to have this opportunity to do Nursing and as much as I enjoy going to TAFE, meeting new people etc, I still get the thought that it's not where I'm meant to be. I am MEANT to be raising my children. Taite and Seth. 15 month old twins that were born premmie, or 11 month old twins born when they were due. Either way I should be up to my elbows in nappies, washing, I should be awake all night getting up to them. I should be going to playgroups, not bereavement support groups, and the list goes on....... At this stage of my grief I am not a crying mess on the floor every day, but I think of them everyday and I miss them every day and the pain is always there.. I miss my babies and would rather have them here, but as they aren't I think I am doing the best that I can to bring positive things in to my life. And I am proud of that.. I so desperately want to be a mother. I am going to see a natropath on Friday.. She is well know as the Baby Maker and has a really high success rate apparently. Something like 90%. So I am hoping that I wont even make it through my 1st semester of nursing without having to defer it.

I would like to post a couple of poems that I got out of the SANDS newsletter this month. I have changed them a bit to suit my situation a bit more.

A baby Wanted (Marion Grimmett)

The loving
my babies so wanted,
born too soon,
My babies dying
What pain,
What loss,
What damage
For What?

Dreaming (Joy Blackburn)

There's a sadness in this living,
There's a pain that has no words,
There's a missing and a longing,
And a sob that can't be heard,
There's a grief that can't be spoken,
There's a wound that one can't see
There's a dreaming and a hoping
When from pain we can be free