Finding the right space for my babies..

So we have moved house and I haven't got a proper cabinet or bookshelf to put my babies memorial stuff and ashes on. I have set up the stuff on a little table and corner unit, and I'm happy with it, it looks good BUT then I realised that behind them is a power point with the cables we run to the TV/DVD player. My 1st thought was, if there was an electrical fault at that power point, their stuff would go 1st in a fire. I can't stand that, I can't stand the thought of losing their stuff forever, even if it is an unlikely event. So they have to be moved and I don't know where. Also I have to get Jade to move them, as i have to stay resting.. Why are these things so hard. I wish i was just setting up clothes and toys in their own rooms, not their ashes and memories :(

Opening old wounds..

Last night i read the journal I kept when Taite and Seth were in NICU.. I shouldn't have. It was really painful to read, but I think it also affected me subconsciously because I woke up this morning feeling like shit. I mean REALLY feeling like shit.. It's amazing to read, what we went through. There are a lot of things I would do differently,if I had another NICU baby, but then again I don't know until I have to face the situation. I'm praying I never have to.

It was strange reading the joy of a new mother in the early days. The joy I felt when their 1st lot of brain scans came back clear. I could feel joy oozing from the page. Unfortunately i felt the same reading the sad parts. I could feel it, and I was back there making that awful decision of whether my son's would live or die. Then the pain of living after their death. I just can't believe that this happened. That it's real. It happened to us. Our son's died at 12 days old.. I wont be exposing myself to the reality of the story again for quite sometime. I think for the moment although of course I know every day that my son's died, I don't feel that raw grief like I did. i just can't go there at this stage of my life.. It's like I'm in some sort of denial..

Working through the trauma..

Subsequent pregnancy briefly mentioned...

So this pregnancy has triggered lots and lots of memories, that although I remembered, they weren't something I consciously thought about for quite some time. I hoped that this blog would remain about Taite and Seth alone, but I am finding that impossible because as most of the pain I'm feeling, apart from just missing my babies, is actually triggered by this pregnancy. This far down the track when I think of my babies I think of what they brought to my life and I think of what could have been, however most of the trauma of the pregnancy, birth & neo natal time before they actually died had not been in the fore front of my mind..

Anyway, I have been back to the hospital a few times now which was hard. I had a suture put in on the 15th and today I had to tell a mid wife my full obstetric history. I'm just feeling a little drained I think. I have been wanting to post for a while, but I just don't have the energy. Maybe I'll come back when I feel I have more to say.

A Mothers Grief

You ask me how I'm feeling,
but do you really want to know?
he moment I try telling you
You say you have to go

How can I tell you,
what it's been like for me
I am haunted, I am broken
By things that you don't see

You ask me how I'm holding up,
but do you really care?
The moment I start to speak my heart, You start squirming in your chair.

Because I am so lonely,you see,
friends no longer come around,
I'll take the words I want to say And quietly choke them down.

Everyone avoids me now, I guess they don't know what to say
They told me I'll be there for you, then turned and walked away.

Call me if you need me,
that's what everybody said,
But how can I call and screaminto the phone, My God, my child is dead?

No one will let me say the words
I need to say
Why does a mothers grief
scare everyone away?

I am tired of pretending my heart hammers in my chest,
I say things to make you comfortable,but my soul finds no rest.

How can I tell you things
that are too sad to be told,
of the helplessness of holding a child who in your arms grows cold?

Maybe you can tell me,
How should one behave,
who's had to follow their childs casket,watched it perched above a grave?

You cannot imagine what it was like for me that day
to place a final kiss upon that box,
and have to turn and walk away.

If you really love me,
and I believe you do
if you really want to help me,
here is what I need from you.

Sit down beside me
reach out and take my hand,
Say " My friend, I've come to listen,
I want to understand."

Just hold my hand and listen
that's all you need to do,
And if by chance I shed a tear,
it's alright if you do to.

I swear that I'll remember till the day
I'm very old,
the friend who sat and held my hand
and let me bare my soul.

Written by Kelly Cummings

I wish I had found this poem when I lost Taite and Seth. It is so true. However I have been so blessed to have many good friends that I can talk about my babies too. I have bored many of them 1000 times with the same stories. There are a lot of people that get really uncomfortable though. I can't blame them. It's not nice to talk about, but it's frustrating when people think it's too upsetting for them when it didn't happen to them.. At this stage I find I am avoiding stories of miscarriage and loss for my own reasons. I really appreciate the fact I can choose to avoid these stories though now. I am still living my own nightmare of loss though and that will never go away..

The little things..

Last night as I logged off my computer I noticed how beautiful my son's ears were. So little, so cute, so perfect. It's strange how sometimes things like that just catch your eye sometimes. I look at that picture of them together every day and it's the screen saver on my computer, but for some reason last night it was their ears that drew my attention. I miss those ears. I remember one of Seth's ears was squashed from him laying on it.. Very very cute. I miss you Taite and Seth. I wish you were here and we gave you the coolest names EVER!! :)

I wondered when I would be writing this post!

I have no idea who reads this blog but I do know if you have just lost a baby this will be a difficult post to read.. I'm writing about subsequent pregnancy, but I'm hoping this will be the only time I write about it on here. If I ever do write about it, I will put a warning. So here it is. If it's too painful to read about subsequent pregnancy do not read on..............................................



Well, I was wondering if I would ever get to write this post. Taite and Seth are going to be big brothers. Jacob will be a big brother for the 2nd time. I'm 6wks pregnant. We had an U/S yesterday and there is 1 little tiny bub with a flickering heart. Absolute relief.. This is my 3rd pregnancy. 1st one was about 10yrs ago and ended in early M/C, 2nd pregnancy was with Taite and Seth, so now I'm hoping 3rd time lucky. I'm hoping and praying with everything I have I get to bring this baby home..

Finding out about this baby has brought so many emotions. 1st of course excitement! I am so happy to be pregnant again. It also bring worry because, I haven't brought a baby home before. So many things could go wrong. One thing I have on my side is that there is only 1 baby! My chances of carrying further are higher. Another thing is I will be having regular cervical measurements from 12wks. If I need a stitch it will be placed, hopefully earlier than 19wks. I have made an appointment with my cardiologist and had a referral sent to RWHB. They called me to confirm some details and said they would arrange an appointment ASAP. That was a week ago and I still haven't heard anything. I'm trying not to stress but it's hard. Anyway, I have started a pregnancy journal that I may make into a blog later. I didn't want Taite and Seth's space taken up by the new baby. (Who I refer to as 'Button'). I will still blog about my Forever babies. I miss them so much and wish they were here to look after this bub. They will just have to watch over from above. Love you Taite and Seth. Forever in Mummy's heart xxxxxx

Mother's Day..

Has to be one of the worst days invented for Mummy's of Angels.. I woke up alone. Hugged Taite and Seth's bears and cried most of the morning. I should have my babies with me. This should be my 3rd Mothers day where I am happy and smiling. Instead I'm hurting and miserable.. I love and miss my Angels so much. I wanna be woken up with dribbly kisses from my 2 and a half year olds.. Instead, I just think of them.. It's not quite the same..