Incomplete

I miss my big boys. I am so lucky to have my beautiful miracle take home baby, but I will never be truly complete. It is unfair that my first born babies aren't here.. I love you Taite and Seth xx

Rainbows :)

Last week I got back from an interstate trip. I took Jett to see family in the toen I grew up in.. It was a long time coming.. Ever since Taite and Seth died, I felt a heavy heart when travelling, as I always thought how they should be with me. So this trip was bittersweet...

As we were driving to the airport there was the most beautiful rainbow. My boys were with me. All of them. At the airport Jett and I looked out the window and I just knew that Taite and Seth were saying "It's ok Mummy, we're here"

On the way back We had a window seat on the plane. Sure enough, just before take off I saw another rainbow. I watched as another plane took off towards it. My boys were there with me again...

Rainbows had never really been significant before. In the baby loss world surviving babies born after the death of a baby are often called 'Rainbow babies' Sure enough, the weekend Jett was conceived, I was standing out on the balcony and viewed a small rainbow streaking through the dark clouds.. I hoped that was a sign, and low and behold it was. Ever since then, rainbows have become a sign of my boys.

Where you used to live..

Dear Taite and Seth, I thought about you lots today, as I stood outside room 4. Room 4 is where you spent majority of the time you were Earthside. I miss you so much, I wish so much I got to walk you out of that hospital, instead of leaving your dead bodies in the morgue for some funeral director to collect. I think of you as little babies still, but you wouldn't be. You two would be 3 and a half.. I would love to be able to see you as the adorable little boys you would have been. I miss you. I miss what could have been, I miss being able to watch you grow.. What should have been.. I hope wherever you both are, you're having loads of fun. Keep playing up there boys, I love you so much.. Missing you always my Angels.. Love Mama xxx

Missing being a twin mummy

Having Jett in NICU for so long I came across lots of twins. Twins are special. I stayed with a friend of mine the other week who has twin boys.. They were prem as well and when she was going though her NICU journey I was very detached. It hadn't been that long since I lost the twins and it was before Jett was even a twinkle.. I am now very close to this wonderful Mama so off I went to stay with her. It was strange sometimes, seeing her twins interact made me think of mine.. A lot. I think of them anyway, but I guess seeing the bond between her boys made me realise this is what I am missing out on seeing with mine. It all comes back to what should have been. I should be watching my 3 year old twins play together. I should have 3 children not 1. When answering the question of how many children I have, I wish it wasn't tainted with sadness.. I love you Taite and Seth, I imagine you are here sometimes, I think about what you would look like and how you would play together. I miss you. I wish I had you in my arms. xx

Time..

How fast the time goes. I went through some of Taite and Seth's stuff the other day because I want to find some of their stuff to have in Jett's photo shoot. I feel so far away from my son's. I feel like it was a lifetime ago. I feel a bit detached and I wish I didn't. I don't know why I feel that way. Maybe because I am so busy. maybe the trauma of having 3 premature babies is too much to deal with so I only focus on right now. I am so traumatised. I thought I was ok. I'm not. The trauma of having 3 premature babies is right there doing my head in. Why now? I got my happy ending.. I brought a baby home. I'm grateful. I wanted Taite and Seth too. I wish they were here. I miss them so much.

I miss you

Taite and Seth, I miss you. I am a mother of 3, not one. I think now that Jett is better I am seeing all I have missed out on. I love you, I wish you were here. xx

My Little Babies.. I miss you.

I have a feeling Taite and Seth have been working very hard to protect their brother.. I like to think of them as his guardian angels :) I have been talking to them a lot about Jett.

I miss my twins so much still. I always think of what could have been. I love to imagine a life where my twins are running around being crazy boys, playing with each other, then imagine what they would be like with Jett once we're home.. I am exposed to twins every day in the hospital.. They are everywhere and I have become friends of some of the parents. It's hard sometimes. I want my twins.. I want to know what it's like to be a mother to twins. I feel sad that they aren't here. I feel sad that I couldn't take them home. I have come a looong way in my grief though. I honestly do think Jett has been part of that healing. The twins are my past and Jett is my future if that makes sense....

Dear Taite and Seth,

Mummy loves you and thinks about you two all the time. I hope you are having fun up there! Thank you so much for being awesome big brothers to Jett and keeping a close watch on him. I wonder if he can see you. He stares at your picture for hours.. I think you have a communication between you. I like to think that anyway.. I love you my babies. No matter what happens you will always be in my heart. I Miss you. xxx