Merry Christmas my sweet Angels

Considering this is my 4th Christmas without Taite and Seth, you'd think I'd know by now how painful it is.. I am missing my boys so much. I really wish they were here. Although it's painful, I am one of the lucky ones who got to wake up to my take home baby this morning. There was nothing sweeter and it truly makes this Christmas the best Christmas EVER!I feel so very very lucky, but my family will always be incomplete. This Christmas they would have been old enough to understand the excitement of Santa and presents. Their little faces would have lit up in amazement to see that Santa had been. Their little imaginations would have run wild as they tried to speculate how Santa actually got in and left the presents. *Sigh, I will get to see that one day with my beautiful rainbow baby, but it should be this year. Taite and Seth SHOULD be here. I SHOULD have 3 children with me this Christmas.. Taite and Seth will never ever be forgotten and they are forever missed.

Dear Santa,

I'm writing this letter as I'm feeling a little blue. I hope you don't think I'm asking too much of you. You visit every year and leave us such wonderful things, but I'm wondering if you visit all the children who have wings?

I know you are very busy, so much to do in one night, but could you please make an extra trip to the stars that shine so bright?

You see my baby lives up there, just too perfect for life on earth, no presents I could send to truly show their worth.

Please leave them a gift and put a stocking on their cloud, filled full of precious presents from their family on the ground.

Please stroke their sleepy head and tell my baby I love them so, that my heart aches with sadness and my tears just seem to flow.

If you could do this for me Santa, I may even be able to smile, even if it is just for a little while. So thank you very much Santa for all that you do, after all it is Christmas in heaven too.

Birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas..

Wow, it is the 2nd of December..

21st of November it was what would have been Taite and Seth's 4th Birthday. My babies would have been 4 years old. Wow. I can't believe that much time has passed.

The day was nice. Mum, Baby Button and I did a balloon release. I normally get blue ballooons, but I got red this year, as I was told you can see them for longer in the sky. Unfortunately it was so bloody windy, one of the balloons popped before we let them go, then when we did let them go they got stuck in the tree :/ We tried to get better pics but it didn't happen lol



The last 13 days have been better than previous years. I have been on a nice holiday and with Baby Button around, I have a very very good reason to smile. I always wish his big brothers were here though, running around and playing. I wish I knew what they were like. In looks and personality. I see Baby Button and wonder if they would all be similar.

So tomorrow is the anniversary of their death. 4 years since my babies died. 4 years since I last held them. Felt their soft skin and smelt their baby smell. If I had just one more day... If I had just one more day I would have more photos. I'd have skin to skin with them.. I'd put some breastmilk on their lips and around their mouths so they could be familiar with me. I'd drink them in even more than I did.

I DIDN"T GET ENOUGH FUCKING TIME WITH THEM. It isn't fair.. I want more of everything, but most of all I wish they were here. My perfect little 4 year old boys.

Taite and Seth, I love you and I always will. I miss you xx

Birthdays and Balloons..

What a week we've had and my boys have sure been missed. This week the twins little brother turned 1. I planned a party with excitement but also with a hint of sadness. This should not have been the first party I planned..

The theme for Baby Button's party was jay Jay the Jet Plane. We had a helium balloon and today I suggested we should let it go so Taite and Seth can play with it.. Baby Button gave a great big smile :)

Watching Baby Button grow has been truley amazing. I often wonder what Taite and Seth would look like. Would they be challenging feeders like their brother? Would they sleep, how would they interact?

I miss Taite and Seth so much. I can't believe it's coming up to their 4th birthday! I am planning a balloon release, hopefully Mum will be here for it too :)

Not a day goes by where Taite and Seth aren't thought of.. I often picture them hovering above, perfect angels, sprinkling angel dust that symbolises love and protection..

Love you my Sons xxx

Incomplete

I miss my big boys. I am so lucky to have my beautiful miracle take home baby, but I will never be truly complete. It is unfair that my first born babies aren't here.. I love you Taite and Seth xx

Rainbows :)

Last week I got back from an interstate trip. I took Jett to see family in the toen I grew up in.. It was a long time coming.. Ever since Taite and Seth died, I felt a heavy heart when travelling, as I always thought how they should be with me. So this trip was bittersweet...

As we were driving to the airport there was the most beautiful rainbow. My boys were with me. All of them. At the airport Jett and I looked out the window and I just knew that Taite and Seth were saying "It's ok Mummy, we're here"

On the way back We had a window seat on the plane. Sure enough, just before take off I saw another rainbow. I watched as another plane took off towards it. My boys were there with me again...

Rainbows had never really been significant before. In the baby loss world surviving babies born after the death of a baby are often called 'Rainbow babies' Sure enough, the weekend Jett was conceived, I was standing out on the balcony and viewed a small rainbow streaking through the dark clouds.. I hoped that was a sign, and low and behold it was. Ever since then, rainbows have become a sign of my boys.

Where you used to live..

Dear Taite and Seth, I thought about you lots today, as I stood outside room 4. Room 4 is where you spent majority of the time you were Earthside. I miss you so much, I wish so much I got to walk you out of that hospital, instead of leaving your dead bodies in the morgue for some funeral director to collect. I think of you as little babies still, but you wouldn't be. You two would be 3 and a half.. I would love to be able to see you as the adorable little boys you would have been. I miss you. I miss what could have been, I miss being able to watch you grow.. What should have been.. I hope wherever you both are, you're having loads of fun. Keep playing up there boys, I love you so much.. Missing you always my Angels.. Love Mama xxx

Missing being a twin mummy

Having Jett in NICU for so long I came across lots of twins. Twins are special. I stayed with a friend of mine the other week who has twin boys.. They were prem as well and when she was going though her NICU journey I was very detached. It hadn't been that long since I lost the twins and it was before Jett was even a twinkle.. I am now very close to this wonderful Mama so off I went to stay with her. It was strange sometimes, seeing her twins interact made me think of mine.. A lot. I think of them anyway, but I guess seeing the bond between her boys made me realise this is what I am missing out on seeing with mine. It all comes back to what should have been. I should be watching my 3 year old twins play together. I should have 3 children not 1. When answering the question of how many children I have, I wish it wasn't tainted with sadness.. I love you Taite and Seth, I imagine you are here sometimes, I think about what you would look like and how you would play together. I miss you. I wish I had you in my arms. xx

Time..

How fast the time goes. I went through some of Taite and Seth's stuff the other day because I want to find some of their stuff to have in Jett's photo shoot. I feel so far away from my son's. I feel like it was a lifetime ago. I feel a bit detached and I wish I didn't. I don't know why I feel that way. Maybe because I am so busy. maybe the trauma of having 3 premature babies is too much to deal with so I only focus on right now. I am so traumatised. I thought I was ok. I'm not. The trauma of having 3 premature babies is right there doing my head in. Why now? I got my happy ending.. I brought a baby home. I'm grateful. I wanted Taite and Seth too. I wish they were here. I miss them so much.

I miss you

Taite and Seth, I miss you. I am a mother of 3, not one. I think now that Jett is better I am seeing all I have missed out on. I love you, I wish you were here. xx

My Little Babies.. I miss you.

I have a feeling Taite and Seth have been working very hard to protect their brother.. I like to think of them as his guardian angels :) I have been talking to them a lot about Jett.

I miss my twins so much still. I always think of what could have been. I love to imagine a life where my twins are running around being crazy boys, playing with each other, then imagine what they would be like with Jett once we're home.. I am exposed to twins every day in the hospital.. They are everywhere and I have become friends of some of the parents. It's hard sometimes. I want my twins.. I want to know what it's like to be a mother to twins. I feel sad that they aren't here. I feel sad that I couldn't take them home. I have come a looong way in my grief though. I honestly do think Jett has been part of that healing. The twins are my past and Jett is my future if that makes sense....

Dear Taite and Seth,

Mummy loves you and thinks about you two all the time. I hope you are having fun up there! Thank you so much for being awesome big brothers to Jett and keeping a close watch on him. I wonder if he can see you. He stares at your picture for hours.. I think you have a communication between you. I like to think that anyway.. I love you my babies. No matter what happens you will always be in my heart. I Miss you. xxx