Sometimes I wonder how I got here.. Today I woke up with the feeling of grief so profound and it brought me back to the early days after the twins died and I wondered how the hell I survived.. But I did, and it has gotten better. I don't always have that wave that crashes against you and knocking you to the ground. I still do sometimes, but not that often.
Yesterday I enrolled into Endorsed Enrolled Nursing. I have wanted to be a nurse for a long time, and had even applied to get in about 7yrs ago, not long after I moved up to the Gold Coast.. Needless to say I didn't get in.. I don't cope with failure or rejection very well, so I pushed it to the back of my mind. After the boys died, the thought came back to me. I knew however in my fragile mental state I didn't think I would be able to cope with the pressure of applying through QTAC and sitting the stat test so I decided I would do Aged Care. A nice little 6 month no pressure course and surely this would help me get my foot in the door when I want to eventually apply again. (You know after I have children!!) As luck would have it, this course not only put my foot in the door it opened the door right up and i got direct entry.. There for the taking, if I want, no tests to sit just wait for the letter, pay a deposit and I am in! What an opportunity! I was thinking 'I don't feel ready for this.. 18months full time study and besides what about children??' However as luck would have it, I didn't have time to muck about. Once the letter arrived in the mail I would have to enrol straight away or I will miss out. So here I am.. I am enrolled. A bittersweet decision. As greatful as I am for the opportunity I would much rather have my babies here, but since I don't I have grabbed at the opportunity with both hands and I am terrified.. I am scared of studying and working because I am so shit at time management, but to be honest I am scared of getting to June 2011 and graduating because that will mean I am still not a mother to living children. And that thought TERRIFIES me.. I guess the main thing I am hoping to achieve out of this course is a distraction. A reason to get up and something to think about other that my dead babies and trying to get pregnant again.. What I really hope is this: I start the course and love it, I find out I am pregnant, I am able to defer the course and I will bring home a live healthy baby, then commence studying when I feel ready and by age 32 I will be a nurse And a mother to live babies!! Ahh.. the dreams of a perfect world.. Wish me luck on that one :) This post has gone off on a bit of a tangent, but I think this is what I need to do today; let my mind wander and go wherever its needs to, so I can get through what is the 1st year anniversary of Taite and Seth's death..
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