And so it is...

Fuckin Christmas Eve.. I have only cried about 5 times today.. I am so bitter and twisted and I really don't want to be.. It is just so fuckin hard when Christmas is for Children and mine are dead!.. I tried to deny it was even Christmas for a while there.. And to tell you the truth I would have been happy to go away where no one knows me and hibernate.. But instead I have to try and put on a brave face AND I DON"T WANNA!!! I should have been buying for Taite and Seth. I should be looking forward to telling them all about Santa. But no, I can't they aren't here and never will be... I can barely remember last Christmas.. I didn't have the internet then.. I wish I did and I had been able to blog.. It would have been interesting to read back on I think.. I feel like it is just as hard this year as it was last year though.. Last year my grief was very fresh.. I didn't know if I would survive every day.. Now I know I will, I have been for over a year now, it's just right at this moment I don't want to.. I want my babies here and I am angry that I am unable to enjoy xmas like I should be.. I hope I wont feel like this forever..