Probably my last post for 2009..

Well Christmas came and went.. Jade and I spoke about the twins but they were not mentioned by anyone on Christmas day. Except when we noticed the sky and I said I hope it storms.. Jade's sister asked "For Taite and Seth" to which I replied "Yes".. End of conversation.. Trying not to let it bother me though because apart from that I didn't have a bad day.. Got very drunk and after we came home from the family thing we stayed up all night, and I tortured the neighbours with my VERY loud singing.. On Boxing day we got J and it was a fun day with him.. I really wish my babies were here and I really missed them but I think I got all my bitterness out xmas eve.. Don't have much more to say.. I hope next year I get a job, start studying and fall pregnant.. Until then, I am drinking!!!

Feeling a little better now...

Well, it is nearly 7pm Christmas eve.. I have poured myself a bacardi and coke and I am a bit more relaxed and feeling a bit better.. I am at home to stay tonight and this is where I want to be.. I feel like in some ways it is my first xmas without the twins.. I think because last year I was still numb and in shock. Also because last year I should have still been pregnant, where as this year I really should have babies.. We do't have Jacob this year. Normally we alternate.. Jacob wakes up and has Santa then the other parent comes to get him around lunchtime.. This year his mother wants him for dinner as well so in stead of just having him for a couple of hours we though it better to just get him 1st thing boxing day.. Jacob will probably be so overwhelmed with all his present anyway, it will be more exciting for him to get presents the next day.. So I am going now to wrap some presents and have a few drinks with Jade.. I just will add I will be upset if when we see family tomorrow no one mentions them.. I really hope my babies get a mention even though they are not with us, as they are still part of our family..

And so it is...

Fuckin Christmas Eve.. I have only cried about 5 times today.. I am so bitter and twisted and I really don't want to be.. It is just so fuckin hard when Christmas is for Children and mine are dead!.. I tried to deny it was even Christmas for a while there.. And to tell you the truth I would have been happy to go away where no one knows me and hibernate.. But instead I have to try and put on a brave face AND I DON"T WANNA!!! I should have been buying for Taite and Seth. I should be looking forward to telling them all about Santa. But no, I can't they aren't here and never will be... I can barely remember last Christmas.. I didn't have the internet then.. I wish I did and I had been able to blog.. It would have been interesting to read back on I think.. I feel like it is just as hard this year as it was last year though.. Last year my grief was very fresh.. I didn't know if I would survive every day.. Now I know I will, I have been for over a year now, it's just right at this moment I don't want to.. I want my babies here and I am angry that I am unable to enjoy xmas like I should be.. I hope I wont feel like this forever..

It's like a pimple being popped..

I remember the day after my first Bonnie Babes support meeting I got a phone call from Deb (who runs it) to see how I was.. She explained that coming to a meeting and speaking about the bubs can sometimes feel like a pimple being popped.. You have all this build up underneath the surface, then it is released and although it is crucial to the healing, it is sometimes a bit raw after... I found this analogy very useful and I guess it can explain why I feel so blah today.. (That and cos I have AF and Xmas is in a few days) Yesterday I met up with Kathi, from http://butterfliesandkittens.blogspot.com/ . Her story is similar to mine.. We both had twins at similar gestation, they both lived for similar amount of time and it happened within a couple of weeks as one another.. Anyway, we had been e mailing for a while and yesterday we met IRL.. It was great to finally meet her (Hi Kathi, if you read this) and we talked for ages. Later last night I felt really emotional and I realised that I hadn't really spoken that in depth about the twins for a long time.. (Everyone had already heard it all before lol) We spoke about labour, delivery and the past year without our babies.. So I think today I am feeling a bit raw. Like the pimple has been popped.... I do have to add though this is in no way a negative thing. I think it is crucial to my healing and I really enjoyed talking about Taite and Seth with someone who really could understand what I was on about.. Thank You Kathi and I would like to catch up again sometime :)

Researching....

Yesterday I went to my cardiologist at Prince Charles Hospital.. I haven't seen her since before the babies were born/died. Anyway, she asked me what I was using for contraception.. When I told her nothing she was quite concerned and said "You know another pregnancy would be extremely high risk don't you" I said Yes but also questioned her about the fact my heart coped with the pregnancy well and the high risk OB I was under seemed to think the pre term labour was due to twin pregnancy. Although the cardiologist agreed she also said there is a a link to fontan mothers and pre term labour (Fontan was the type of op I had).. So then I went down and had my echo and after she saw the pics from that she said that my left ventricle, which is the one that does most of the work is performing 'fairly'. Not good and not normal.. She advised against pregnancy, but she must have seen the look in my eyes telling her silently to FUCK OFF I AM DOING IT ANYWAY, and said it was my decision ultimately and if I do fall pregnant they would do the best they could, I just needed to know it's a risk.. So all in all, IF I ever do fall pregnant again, I will be looking at having a premmie bub I know doctors aren't always right and there is every reason I could go on to have a healthy bub, it's just hard to hear that what happened with the twins could happen again..

So this morning I have done some research.. So far what I have found for pregnancy in fontan mothers isn't TOO bad.. It's not great, but not bad.. Found 1 case of a mother having modified fontan at 17.. Had healthy baby by emergency C section at 32wks because of threatening cava compression. Then found another study of 33 pregnancies.. 15 were live births average gestation 36.5 wks 5 elective terminations and 13 miscarriages... Follow up on live births, birth mother and baby well 1 infant had ASD.. Interesting.. That study was done in America.. 1993..

The thing that scares the absolute shit out of me is that I have obstetric problems too.. Getting pregnant is hard enough and then IF i do eventually fall pregnant I have to stay pregnant for as long as possible (obviously) but I feel like I have 2 things against me as far as going into pre term labour.. First I have to keep my cervix long and closed.. THEN I have to keep my heart providing the baby with enough oxygen so that it keeps growing and I don't have to deliver because of that.. This post is probably a bit jumbled, I am feeling like crap and trying to put all the information I have recieved into perspective.. I wish I was born a career woman and didn't have this horrible maternal yearning.. :(

1yr ago today :(

Sometimes I wonder how I got here.. Today I woke up with the feeling of grief so profound and it brought me back to the early days after the twins died and I wondered how the hell I survived.. But I did, and it has gotten better. I don't always have that wave that crashes against you and knocking you to the ground. I still do sometimes, but not that often.
Yesterday I enrolled into Endorsed Enrolled Nursing. I have wanted to be a nurse for a long time, and had even applied to get in about 7yrs ago, not long after I moved up to the Gold Coast.. Needless to say I didn't get in.. I don't cope with failure or rejection very well, so I pushed it to the back of my mind. After the boys died, the thought came back to me. I knew however in my fragile mental state I didn't think I would be able to cope with the pressure of applying through QTAC and sitting the stat test so I decided I would do Aged Care. A nice little 6 month no pressure course and surely this would help me get my foot in the door when I want to eventually apply again. (You know after I have children!!) As luck would have it, this course not only put my foot in the door it opened the door right up and i got direct entry.. There for the taking, if I want, no tests to sit just wait for the letter, pay a deposit and I am in! What an opportunity! I was thinking 'I don't feel ready for this.. 18months full time study and besides what about children??' However as luck would have it, I didn't have time to muck about. Once the letter arrived in the mail I would have to enrol straight away or I will miss out. So here I am.. I am enrolled. A bittersweet decision. As greatful as I am for the opportunity I would much rather have my babies here, but since I don't I have grabbed at the opportunity with both hands and I am terrified.. I am scared of studying and working because I am so shit at time management, but to be honest I am scared of getting to June 2011 and graduating because that will mean I am still not a mother to living children. And that thought TERRIFIES me.. I guess the main thing I am hoping to achieve out of this course is a distraction. A reason to get up and something to think about other that my dead babies and trying to get pregnant again.. What I really hope is this: I start the course and love it, I find out I am pregnant, I am able to defer the course and I will bring home a live healthy baby, then commence studying when I feel ready and by age 32 I will be a nurse And a mother to live babies!! Ahh.. the dreams of a perfect world.. Wish me luck on that one :) This post has gone off on a bit of a tangent, but I think this is what I need to do today; let my mind wander and go wherever its needs to, so I can get through what is the 1st year anniversary of Taite and Seth's death..

Letter to my little Twinnys :)

Dear Taite and Seth,

Today is 1 year exactly since you left this earth.. I remember so much of that day. I remember you, Taite with that frown on your precious little face. I remember when Meme was holding you for the 1st and last time how you were so comfy, your ventilation got dislodged and you had a brady right there.. I was standing there while nurses rushed, alarms sounded and you were brought back to this cruel world, but it wasn't to be for much longer.. I just needed you to die in my arms.. I needed to hold you alive for the 3rd and last time.. And Seth, you were very quiet that day, but made your presence known by slightly opening both your eyes for the 1st time.. I remember the look of peace on both your little faces as you were leaving this earth.. When Daddy and I layed you together.. In the last year I have felt so many emotions. The hardest emotion is the unknowing.. Not knowing what the hell is the right thing to do but doing what is right at the time.. I have struggled with the decision we made to let you go. Sometimes I think we didn't give you much of a chance to fight. But then I have another overwhelming emotion that tells me that the decision was the right one, because as your mother I am supposed to protect you, therefore my duty has been fulfilled. You fought for 12 days, babies, and, I have protected you from having a life of hurt anger and sorrow. No more fighting.. Our boys, You deserve beauty, peace and happiness. I really hope that wherever you are, my precious son's, you know how desperately you were wanted and how much I miss you and what should have been.

Love Always,

Mummy xxxxx